Archive for the ‘Jesus’ Category

If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number

Two hobos are passing a bottle.

Woman: You can’t do that! This is a passenger train…The blood of Jesus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the devil’s drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can’t do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?

–F train

OMG! It’s Wednesday One-liners!

Priest: Please exit using the side doors as there are things going on in the front.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Overheard by: Bryant

Old lady: Jesus on a check? Oh well, I’m an atheist, so it doesn’t really matter to me.

–E. 33rd Street office

Woman on cell: He can’t hear you when you hate me…You hate me? Then he can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! Jehovah can’t hear you when you hate me!

–42nd between 10th & 11th

Woman: You know, they tell those suicide bombers they’ll get 99 virgins when you get to heaven. 99 virgins! But if you blow yourself up in Brooklyn, you only get 50. Half off for Brooklyn.

–CVS, Harlem

Puerto Rican guy: Jesus loves you. I love you. I know you don’t want to listen to me. I know about your bunny rabbit… Will you be one of the 144,000 chosen?…On July 30th we will all come together. I will wear a kippa. But you know you have to accept the savior…There are 632,000 lords…I will stop talking to you now. The Flintstones told me not to.

–4 train

Overheard by: Matt F.

How Jesus Got People to Go on the Road With Him

Tourist: How do you know which ones are going where?
New Yorker: Which ones? Well, they have a 4, 5, or 6 number on them, and they’re all going uptown.
Tourist: But we’re going to 68th street, and they’re not all going there. How do you know which ones are making which stops?
New Yorker: Oh, well…You just kind of know.
Tourist: Oh. Well, we’re just gonna follow you.
New Yorker: Okay.

–4/5/6 station, 59th St

Overheard by: trish

Get a Little Cardio Without Your Ears Bleeding

Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: And so I discovered that Jesus Christ is the only messiah! I found the Lord! I found the truth and the light!
Trapped passenger #1: Could you turn it down a little?
Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: I was a sinner! I spent thirty-five years running from the word of the Lord!
Trapped passenger #2: At least you could run…

–A Train

Overheard by: peeper