Archive for the ‘Jesus’ Category

There’s No Cry­ing in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Con­duc­tor: This is Wil­lets Point/Shea Sta­di­um. You know, home of the oth­er team. (pas­sen­gers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one re­al­ly likes the Mets. Any­hoo, have a nice day, every­one. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors.

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Kris­ten

20-some­thing guy wear­ing Red Sox hat to girl­friend: There’s no way we can have kids in New York. They’d be go­ing to school with a bunch of brain­washed Yan­kee fan off­spring, and every night we’d have to be telling them bed­time sto­ries that end with “and they all lived hap­pi­ly every af­ter, ex­cept for Derek Jeter, be­cause he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole.”

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I’m from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It’s hard be­ing a Yan­kees fan sur­round­ed by fuck­ing Red Sox fans. I can’t do it any­more.

–L Train

Over­heard by: I agree…

Sub­way con­duc­tor: Yan­kees fans. This is a Bronx-bound ex­press D. This will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. Trans­fer at the next sta­tion to the B. (20 min­utes lat­er) Yan­kees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. You can trans­fer to the B at the next sta­tion. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-some­thing moth­er to an­oth­er, try­ing hard to look knowl­edge­able: The Yan­kees and Mets are play­ing two games to­day, the first at Yan­kee sta­di­um and the sec­ond at Fen­way, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & No­ble Cafe

Woman in Je­sus t‑shirt: Je­sus hates the Yan­kees.

–Up­town C Train

Over­heard by: Pen­ny

Con­duc­tor to packed train: At­ten­tion, at­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. To all Yan­kee fans on this train, please have a safe day to­day, and en­joy the game. Per­son­al­ly, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Up­town 4 Train

I Pre­fer to Think That He Jumped Out Of a Cake and Yelled “Sur­prise!”

For­eign TA: I don’t un­der­stand why they use the egg for East­er.
Amer­i­can TA: Oh, it does­n’t re­al­ly have any­thing to do with East­er, we just ap­pro­pri­at­ed pa­gan rit­u­als.
For­eign TA: I thought East­er is when Je­sus was re­born.
Amer­i­can TA: It is.
For­eign TA: I thought maybe he was re­born out of an egg.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: MCLD

What About Es­ki­mo Je­sus?

Boyfriend: Look at that lit­tle kid, it looks like he’s walk­ing on wa­ter.
Girl­friend: He’s Je­sus.
Boyfriend: I nev­er knew Je­sus was a mu­lat­to.
Girl­friend: No, he was In­di­an, did­n’t you know? (pause) An Amer­i­can In­di­an.

–6th Ave

Over­heard by: eaves­drop­per

Jews for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talk­ing smack about Je­sus. He was one of our great­est pres­i­dents!

–Q train

Over­heard by: J‑Lo

Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Je­sus fuck­ing Christ! [Looks up and no­tices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.

–71st & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: She did­n’t even pick it up

High school boy: He’s like a fat home­less Je­sus who stole a rich man’s coat.

–Bronx

Soc­cer mom to an­oth­er: You know, Fri­day nights are al­ways a great time for Je­sus.

–82nd and Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Just bought a bot­tle of Jack to share with Je­sus

Stu­dent on phone: All I have to say about be­ing friends with Je­sus is that un­lim­it­ed fish sand­wich­es and wine does­n’t sound like a bad deal.

–NYU

Crazy guy: Praise Je­sus! But stay out­ta my way — I will stab you.

–W 17th St

Over­heard by: dawl­lyl­la­ma

Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who re­al­ly cares about Je­sus?

–El­e­va­tor, NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter