Archive for the ‘Jesus’ Category

What About Es­ki­mo Je­sus?

Boyfriend: Look at that lit­tle kid, it looks like he’s walk­ing on wa­ter.
Girl­friend: He’s Je­sus.
Boyfriend: I nev­er knew Je­sus was a mu­lat­to.
Girl­friend: No, he was In­di­an, did­n’t you know? (pause) An Amer­i­can In­di­an.

–6th Ave

Over­heard by: eaves­drop­per

Jews for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talk­ing smack about Je­sus. He was one of our great­est pres­i­dents!

–Q train

Over­heard by: J‑Lo

Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Je­sus fuck­ing Christ! [Looks up and no­tices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.

–71st & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: She did­n’t even pick it up

High school boy: He’s like a fat home­less Je­sus who stole a rich man’s coat.


Soc­cer mom to an­oth­er: You know, Fri­day nights are al­ways a great time for Je­sus.

–82nd and Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Just bought a bot­tle of Jack to share with Je­sus

Stu­dent on phone: All I have to say about be­ing friends with Je­sus is that un­lim­it­ed fish sand­wich­es and wine does­n’t sound like a bad deal.


Crazy guy: Praise Je­sus! But stay out­ta my way — I will stab you.

–W 17th St

Over­heard by: dawl­lyl­la­ma

Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who re­al­ly cares about Je­sus?

–El­e­va­tor, NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Died for Our Sins

Hip­ster: So I was walk­ing down the street, and I saw Je­sus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it go­ing, Je­sus?’

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kanad

Sub­way preach­er: The ocean is full of wa­ter. Je­sus changed wa­ter in­to wine. It’s all good. Michael Jack­son called it ‘Je­sus Juice.’

–Rock­e­feller Plaza sub­way

Over­heard by: G‑Lime

Queer: I re­placed my imag­ing of Je­sus as a trans­ves­tite se­r­i­al killer to an im­age of Je­sus as a mil­i­taris­tic ter­ror­ist…

–1 train

Queer to an­oth­er: I think Je­sus loves Hal­loween.

–23rd St, be­tween 7th & 8th

Over­heard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Je­sus,’ but it’s pro­nounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Over­heard by: Jo­Bell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a hand­some man and think to your­self, ‘I want him to be my sug­ar dad­dy.’ Oh, yes! And he be­comes your sug­ar dad­dy, and he takes you to Ma­cy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then lat­er he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you re­al­ize that it is not he who is your sug­ar dad­dy, it is re­al­ly Je­sus Christ who is your sug­ar dad­dy! Oh, yes!

–4 train

Hap­py Birth­day, Mithras!

Red State Girl: Is that a ham­mer in your bag?
Deal­er: Yeah. It’s a metaphor. ‘Cause Je­sus was a car­pen­ter, see. And I walk with Je­sus.
Red State Girl: Oh.

–29th Street & 7th Ave.

Over­heard by: M. Mar­tin

As It Clear­ly States in Joss Whe­do­n’s Ver­sion Of the Bible

Pro­fes­sor: Does any­one know where the term “Passover” comes from?
Stu­dent: It’s be­cause the Jews put blood on their doors so Je­sus would pass over their house and not kill the first-born son.

–Class­room, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: dun­dun

If Any­one Has In­sight, Let Him Cal­cu­late the Num­ber

Two ho­bos are pass­ing a bot­tle.

Woman: You can’t do that! This is a pas­sen­ger train…The blood of Je­sus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a pas­sen­ger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the dev­il’s drink. By the blood of Je­sus you need to re­pent!
Hobo #1: La­dy, I am the dev­il.
Woman: You can’t do that on a pas­sen­ger train! If I see a po­lice I will have you ar­rest­ed!
Hobo #2: You wan­na bor­row my cell phone?

–F train