Archive for the ‘JFK Airport’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Aren’t Up to FAA Reg­u­la­tions

Tick­et agent: Due to re­cent se­cu­ri­ty re­stric­tions, no one will be al­lowed on­board with any li­quages. No li­quages are al­lowed on­board the air­craft.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Liz

Pi­lot: Those of you who re­quire wheel­chair as­sis­tance, please re­main seat­ed.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: able to stand

Pi­lot: At­ten­tion, pas­sen­gers… this is your pi­lot from the flight deck. We’ve just been giv­en no­tice that we’re now num­ber two for take­off, so we should be get­ting off the ground in just a mo­ment… so if you could all do me a fa­vor and make sure that all your win­dows are rolled up, be­cause we’re about to go re­al­ly re­al­ly fast. Thanks for your pa­tience.

–JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the cap­tain will be dim­ming the cab­in light­ing for the re­main­der of the flight in or­der to en­hance the ap­pear­ance of the per­son sit­ting next to you. In­di­vid­ual lights are lo­cat­ed above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the per­son sit­ting next to you.

–Jet­Blue

Pi­lot: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I’m just go­ing to pow­er off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like con­trol-alt-delete on your com­put­er.

–La­Guardia

Flight at­ten­dant: Wow, that pi­lot re­al­ly does­n’t know how to fly!

–Board­ing Gate, Delta Ma­rine Air Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: Daniel

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Join the Jet Set

In­ter­com voice: If you heard your name, or some­thing that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leav­ing!

–Air­Tran gates, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White

Se­cu­ri­ty of­fi­cial: Okay, peo­ple, have your board­ing pass­es out! If you don’t have your board­ing pass­es out, I’m send­ing you to Am­trak!

–Se­cu­ri­ty screen­ing line, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Beth T

Pi­lot, on crowd­ed run­way: Wel­come to the park­ing lot known as La­Guardia Air­port.

–La­Guardia Tar­mac

Pi­lot: The mist you are see­ing is caused by a dif­fer­ence in tem­per­a­ture. The tem­per­a­ture out­side is dif­fer­ent from the tem­per­a­ture in­side. Once we close the door and pre­pare for take-off, the mist will dis­ap­pear, which will make us very sad be­cause we like mist.

–Jet­blue flight in­to New York

Over­heard by: Denise

Pi­lot: Good af­ter­noon, pas­sen­gers. We are about to make our fi­nal de­scent in­to John F. Kennedy In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port, so buck­le your seat­belts and hold on tight.

–Flight in­to JFK

Over­heard by: fre­quent fly­er

Sassy flight at­ten­dant: In the event of a loss of cab­in pres­sure, oxy­gen masks will be re­leased from the over­head above your seat. Af­ter the scream­ing sub­sides, please place the oxy­gen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are trav­el­ing with a child or an adult who is act­ing like a child, place your mask on first be­fore at­tempt­ing to help put theirs on.

–Flight out of La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Ron­nie F

Flight at­ten­dant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke in­side, you came to the wrong state.

–Spir­it Air flight in­to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Kathryn