Archive for the ‘Kosher food’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Eyes Are Big­ger Than Their Stom­achs

20-some­thing woman: Is she a bialy in re­al life?

–To­mo sushi, 110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred

Very large black woman on cell phone, bel­low­ing: I don’t do no moth­er­fuck­ing corn bread! Why the fuck you al­ways want corn bread, moth­er­fuck­er?

–St. Luke’s-Roo­sevelt Hos­pi­tal, 114th & Am­s­ter­dam

Punk girl to an­oth­er: I wish I was a muf­fin. But I’m not. I’m a hu­man.

–B Train

Over­heard by: id rather be a cup­cake

Black Whole Foods em­ploy­ee to black whole Foods cus­tomer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c‑town, key foods. I ain’t gonna pay no 4 dol­lars for no eggs.

–Union Square Whole Foods

Clue­less suit on cell: I’m just re­al­ly bad at know­ing if stuff is per­ish­able or not. I just don’t know. Ok, so ice cream ‑that’s per­ish­able, right? But­ter ‑non-per­ish­able. Caviar is­n’t per­ish­able ei­ther… Wait, what? Oh, but­ter is per­ish­able? Wait, how do you know? Does per­ish­able mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?

–E 60th St

An­gry 20-some­thing on cell phone: Why? Why? Be­cause I can’t eat spaghet­ti-o’s any­more!

–E 13th St & 1st Ave

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers with a Reser­voir Tip

Girl on cell: I don’t need any­thing else. I’ve got 20 dol­lars, my phone, and a con­dom.

–11th & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Alex

Flam­boy­ant boy on cell: Wait, where are you? What are you do­ing? Please tell me you’ll wear a con­dom. (pause, then boy’s face grows in­creas­ing­ly hor­ri­fied) Sev­er­al con­doms.

–Din­ing Hall, NYU

Street ven­dor next to hot dog ven­dor: Get your Oba­ma con­doms! They go great with a pret­zel!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: not an­oth­er tourist

15-year-old girl: Damn, nig­ga, I hope you flushed the con­dom, cuz they be us­ing turkey basters for oth­er shit now. They be tak­ing the con­dom from the trash can and suck up the cum and put it in they­selves. I know, cuz I messed with a few niggaz who be telling me and I learn in sex ed!

–74 Bus, Stat­en Is­land

In What Con­text Have Arm­bands Ever Been Bad?

Or­ga­niz­er #1: What about dif­fer­ent food op­tions for the lun­cheon, (thought­ful pause) what about kosher food?
Or­ga­niz­er #2: Good idea, but how will we be able to tell who wants to eat kosher?
Uni­ver­si­ty staff: We could just make black arm­bands with the Star of David on them. (col­lec­tive gasps in the room) What?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: fdh

Why Pharaoh Did­n’t Want to Let the Is­raelites Go

Guy #1: So my room­mate keeps kosher.
Guy #2: Dude, that’s awe­some.
Guy #1: Why is that awe­some?
Friend: ‘Cause you now have in­tri­cate, first­hand knowl­edge of the best pas­tra­mi sand­wich­es this side of Park. In fact, I think you should call him right now. I want a knish.

–6 train

Over­heard by: Not to men­tion the best lawyers, doc­tors, sch