Archive for the ‘LaGuardia Airport’ Category

And the Forty?

TSA em­ploy­ee to peo­ple in line: All liq­uids and gels are pro­hib­it­ed be­yond this point. Dis­pose of them now.
Four-year-old boy to fa­ther: Aw, man! Does that mean I have to get rid of my pimp juice?

–La­Guardia

Above the Av­er­age Would Be Luck­i­er

Mom: Eat this first and then you can have your Lucky Charms.
Lit­tle boy: No! I hate ba­nana!
Mom: You do not; you were beg­ging me for ba­nana on Sun­day. Fine. Turkey ba­con, then.
Lit­tle boy: No.
Mom: Fine. Noth­ing for you. Say, “OK, Mom­my.”
Lit­tle boy: You’re mean.
Mom: You’re lucky to have a mean mom­my.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Kate Lane

Which Is My De­fault An­swer for All Is­sues In­volv­ing Men

50-some­thing woman to cowork­er at Burg­er King: And he said, “Why you al­ways com­ing in here, dressed up like you’re at the beach? What is that?” And I was like, “Yeah, please, put me on a re­al beach, in like Do­mini­can Re­pub­lic or some­thing.“
Cowork­er: He prob­a­bly just want­ed to see you in your biki­ni.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: … But I know I would­n’t

Full Frontal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude to an­oth­er: Yeah, but she got a yeast in­fec­tion from sit­ting around naked on muffins all day.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: chris

Art­sy guy on cell: No, no, she’s not naked… But you want to see her naked!

–12th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: EthanK

Flight at­ten­dant: Your pi­lot for the flight to­day is Buck Naked. Your first of­fi­cer is Justin Case. That’s just in case Buck Naked de­cides to get buck wild.

–La­Guardia

Dude: I heard that all they do there is have sex and drink beer… And have naked snow­ball fights.

–41st & 7th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Aren’t Up to FAA Reg­u­la­tions

Tick­et agent: Due to re­cent se­cu­ri­ty re­stric­tions, no one will be al­lowed on­board with any li­quages. No li­quages are al­lowed on­board the air­craft.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Liz

Pi­lot: Those of you who re­quire wheel­chair as­sis­tance, please re­main seat­ed.

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: able to stand

Pi­lot: At­ten­tion, pas­sen­gers… this is your pi­lot from the flight deck. We’ve just been giv­en no­tice that we’re now num­ber two for take­off, so we should be get­ting off the ground in just a mo­ment… so if you could all do me a fa­vor and make sure that all your win­dows are rolled up, be­cause we’re about to go re­al­ly re­al­ly fast. Thanks for your pa­tience.

–JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the cap­tain will be dim­ming the cab­in light­ing for the re­main­der of the flight in or­der to en­hance the ap­pear­ance of the per­son sit­ting next to you. In­di­vid­ual lights are lo­cat­ed above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the per­son sit­ting next to you.

–Jet­Blue

Pi­lot: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I’m just go­ing to pow­er off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like con­trol-alt-delete on your com­put­er.

–La­Guardia

Flight at­ten­dant: Wow, that pi­lot re­al­ly does­n’t know how to fly!

–Board­ing Gate, Delta Ma­rine Air Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: Daniel

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Home­towns Were Glad to See Them Go

Brit la­dy, to MTA booth la­dy: Two adults, please. We’ll be get­ting off around 58th Street.

–14th St F sta­tion

Over­heard by: Fid­get

Tourist: Ex­cuse me, does the F train stop here?

–Sub­way sand­wich­es, Hous­ton & Lafayette

Tourist woman, loud­ly: Jeany? How many stops are we go­ing on this train?

–Times Square shut­tle

Over­heard by: nev­er­mind

Tourist: Ex­cuse me, which way is it to Up­per Town?

–Broad­way & Worth

Over­heard by: dukes

Tourist: Is this now the Grand Canyon of the East Coast?

–Ground Ze­ro

Tourist: My plane does­n’t leave for 4 hours. Can I walk to the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty from here?

–La Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Jose Her­nan­dez

Tourist, lead­ing a group of more than a dozen fel­low tourists: Okay, I… um…don’t know where we are now…Oh, wait! Yes I do! We’re at the South Street Sea­port!

–Union Square

Blonde: Look, there’s the Chrysler. Look, there’s Times Square. Where’s the Em­pire State Build­ing?

–Top of Em­pire State Build­ing

Over­heard by: eng­lish­man in new york

Tourist, to deck hand: I can’t see the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty. Would you please move the lifeboat out of the way while I take a pic­ture?

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: Steven Low­ell

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Di­ane Keaton

Straight guy in hot pink un­der­wear: Yeah, I’ve fall­en asleep in deer stands, and all kinds of weird places.

–Gold’s Gym, 54th St

Over­heard by: John­ny V

Girl on cell: His hair is wiry and weird. He had a par­ty and sold raf­fle tick­ets, the win­ner got to restyle his hair. He’s weird.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: whirlygirlie518

White teen girl to friends: No, no, no! I told you guys, if I mar­ry a Japan­ese, then there’s all that weird sex stuff. I’m mar­ry­ing Ko­re­an. They’re adorable, and don’t have that weird com­mu­nism thing the Chi­nese do.

–Chi­na­town

Girl from Nashville on cell: They serve like weird pas­ta here with weird veg­eta­bles and weird meat. My fa­vorite meal here is break­fast. I am so ready to go home!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: D‑Law