Archive for the ‘Languages’ Category

If You’re So Smart, Ex­plain the Wax

Buff dude #1: Hey, guy.
Smart guy: What’s up?
Buff dude #1: Can you set­tle some­thing? Is Por­tu­gal in Eu­rope or South Amer­i­ca?
Smart guy: Uh, it’s in Eu­rope.
Buff dude #1: See?
Buff dude #2: Okay, okay. But, like, the Por­tuguese they speak in South Amer­i­ca — that’s not the same lan­guage as they speak in South Amer­i­ca, right?
Smart guy: Ac­tu­al­ly, it is. Brazil was set­tled by the Por­tuguese, and the Span­ish got the rest of South Amer­i­ca, which is why they speak Span­ish in the oth­er coun­tries that aren’t Brazil.
Buff dude #2: Oooh! Look who passed his ge­og­ra­phy class!

–Ex­o­dus Gym, Union & Met­ro­pol­i­tan, Williams­burg

“I Said Cof­fee!”

Cashier #1: I felt so bad. She was try­ing to be so nice to her, but this woman was just hor­ri­ble.
Cashier #2: What hap­pened?
Cashier #1: She asked her if she want­ed a vente mocha frappacino–she was even smil­ing and stuff when she asked–and then the woman got all mad and said, “Look it, I don’t speak Ital­ian.”

–Star­bucks, As­tor Place

Tow­er of Bab­ble

Kid: I speak sev­en dif­fer­ent lan­guages.
Mom: The on­ly lan­guage you speak is Stu­pid.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Susspect

Head­line by: Matt Hig­gins

Run­ners-Up:

· “And your Man­darin is con­ver­sa­tion­al at best” — Greg Costel­lo

· “Bar­bara Bush reach­es her tip­ping point.” — Sab­ri­na

· “But I got the Vile Cunt ac­cent from you , mom.” — Chuck Roast

· “Kill his con­fi­dence so you don’t have to pay for Har­vard” — Kristin

· “Ob­vi­ous­ly, it’s his “Moth­er Tongue”” — Big Lar­ry

· “The wit of your re­ply has left me aghast and inar­tic­u­late, moth­er” — Grin­ning Id­iot


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Sure, Lisa, Some Mag­i­cal Wednes­day One-Lin­er.…

Dude with chick to group of smok­ers out­side bar: We are go­ing to eat pork chops and fuck.

–Bleeck­er and Cros­by

Gay male on cell: …Do you re­al­ly think I would try his sausage balls?

–53rd St & 8th Ave

Bud­get Vin Diesel: I love ba­con. If I could, I would put ba­con in my ce­re­al.

–Sun­burnt Cow, Av­enue C

Over­heard by: LeahPia77

His­pan­ic deli work­er: Es muy bara­to, co­mo la carne de gato.

–10th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: An­na Pi­lar

Black man, to Jew­ish friend: You’re not Jew­ish. You had ba­con at your baby’s nam­ing cer­e­mo­ny. Thick­est, juici­est most de­li­cious ba­con I ever ate in my life. You named your kid Samuel and you had ba­con. De­li­cious, de­li­cious ba­con.

–A Train

Man on cell phone: The sausages! I mean, I don’t feel bad for the hot dogs. But, the sausages?!

–41st and 7th

Over­heard by: Justin

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Tend to Ram­ble On

Old man at the bar: Every­day that I wake up and see that my name is­n’t in the obit­u­ar­ies is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Old­er woman, to friend: Then we’re go­ing to have to do the sun­tan lo­tion thing, and that’s go­ing to be a night­mare.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old peo­ple on this train. I bet they’re all wish­ing they were our age again. Suck­ers!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Old la­dy, to man play­ing steel drums as she dances along to the mu­sic: Shalom! That was awe­some, my man!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

El­der­ly woman to el­der­ly friends: So then Andy comes down in his biki­ni, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old la­dy look­ing in­to fan­cy cafe: An­oth­er shit­hole!

–74th near Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Old la­dy: Geral­dine, do you want to come up lat­er and play… With my wire­less router!

–Clark & Herny

Over­heard by: Lacy

Think We Saw Pearl Har­bor Com­ing?

Japan­ese teacher: So the ‘sou desu’ form is used when you want to say some­thing seems like some­thing else. Like, Tana­ka San seems hap­py — you could say ‘Tana­ka San wa ure­shisou desu.‘
Stu­dent #1: What if he’s smil­ing and he just won the lot­tery? Would you have to say he seems hap­py, or could you say that he is hap­py?
Japan­ese teacher: Well, you are not Tana­ka San — he could find the mon­ey to be a bur­den — so you’d have to use ‘sou desu.‘
Stu­dent #2: What if he’s yelling that he’s hap­py?
Japan­ese teacher: He could be ly­ing. You nev­er know with Tana­ka San…

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg