Archive for the ‘Laughter’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors

Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!

–Columbus Circle

Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)

–Cab, Broadway & Houston

Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?

–Battery Park

Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!

–Cab, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Gene Gray

Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Overheard by: Fiasco

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Remember This Tomorrow

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!

–Madison Square Garden Bathroom

Could You Remind Me How to Breathe?

Hip Indian chick #1: We should totally go to Raj's party tomorrow night.
Hip Indian chick #2: Oh my god, we totally should! Except it's in Brooklyn. Like, how would we even get there? Are there like, bridges or something?
Hip Indian chick #1: You're kidding, right?
Hip Indian chick #2, laughing: Wow! I am so one of those people who are like total geniuses but always forget like, really basic stuff.
Hip Indian chick #1: Umm, yeah. Totally.

–M14D Bus

Overheard by: Cody

If You're Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don't Have One

Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brooklyn Music School

Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mickey

Bar customer to bartender: You're only 22? I have an aborted fetus that's older than you!

–110th & Amsterdam

Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend's abortion by coming to the comedy club!

–Times Square

Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict