Archive for the ‘Lawsuits’ Category

…Douchebag.

Judge, at con­clu­sion of tri­al: Well, I must say I was very im­pressed with the qual­i­ty of the at­tor­neys for both sides. It’s ex­treme­ly un­usu­al and re­fresh­ing to see at­tor­neys act­ing like lawyers.
At­tor­ney: I would sug­gest, your hon­or, that it would be more ac­cu­rate to say that it is un­usu­al and re­fresh­ing to see at­tor­neys not act­ing like lawyers.
Judge: Point well tak­en.

–Civ­il Court, Sut­phin Boule­vard, Ja­maica

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Can You Hear Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Now?

Judge to room packed with prospec­tive ju­rors: I am go­ing to give you a num­ber to call in case of an emer­gency. You should copy this down. The num­ber is 917–480… (pause) Oh shit! (mic be­comes muf­fled). Um, sor­ry. That was my cell phone num­ber.

–Supreme Court Build­ing

Woman on cell: Our code­pen­dent lewdi­ty shall rage on, Ver­i­zon! Take that!

–113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: McF

Hip­sterette to an­oth­er: Well, you should­n’t have to sleep with some­one to find out if he’s go­ing to call you back.

–Cof­fee Shop, Park Slope

Over­heard by: The­Green­Cat

Con­duc­tor: There is a C train just across the plat­form. For those of you who have a sud­den urge for a change of plans and wish to aban­don your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your fam­i­ly, you won’t be home for din­ner!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Stay­ing on the F

Girl in bath­room stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dy­ing, I will call you lat­er. (pause) Call you from a pay­phone? I don’t know how to use one of those.

–School, Low­er Man­hat­tan

Well-dressed woman walk­ing tiny dog, yelling in­to cell: You know what, John? You can e‑mail, don’t even call me. I don’t want you on my phone. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Want to Know What Makes the Law & Or­der Sound

Law pro­fes­sor: Some­times you just want to tell your client, “Wake the fuck up!”

–NYU Law School

Law stu­dent on cell: Well, it’s hard to lo­cate them, since I don’t know who they are.

–Co­lum­bia Law School

Over­heard by: arct­i­nus

Old­er look­ing woman on cell: No, don’t fight him, Hen­ry. We’re Jew­ish. God gave us lawyers for a rea­son.

–42nd & Av­enue of the Amer­i­c­as

Over­heard by: Eliz­a­beth

Awe­some judge: If you do not have a ba­sic un­der­stand­ing of the Eng­lish lan­guage, you will not be able to serve. If you can­not un­der­stand what I’m say­ing, please come up now. Now, two trans­la­tors will trans­late what I just said. If you un­der­stood what I said, ob­vi­ous­ly don’t come up here.

–Supreme Court Build­ing

Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: How did he know?

Thug: Don’t say any­thing to her! Don’t you know any­thing you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?

–132nd & St. Nicholas

Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I con­vict rape vic­tims.

–Out­side Shea Sta­di­um