Archive for the ‘Lawyers’ Category

…Douchebag.

Judge, at con­clu­sion of tri­al: Well, I must say I was very im­pressed with the qual­i­ty of the at­tor­neys for both sides. It’s ex­treme­ly un­usu­al and re­fresh­ing to see at­tor­neys act­ing like lawyers.
At­tor­ney: I would sug­gest, your hon­or, that it would be more ac­cu­rate to say that it is un­usu­al and re­fresh­ing to see at­tor­neys not act­ing like lawyers.
Judge: Point well tak­en.

–Civ­il Court, Sut­phin Boule­vard, Ja­maica

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

The End Of West­ern Civ­i­liza­tion: An OINY Short Sto­ry.

Lawyer #1: I saw this fun­ny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “re­tards” and there was this one called “re­tard­ed Brit­ney Spears fan.” It was a re­tard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two sec­onds of it be­fore I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “ex­treme pain”? I could on­ly watch about five sec­onds of it. A guy was cut­ting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That’s some sick shit. How’s your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her be­tween the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eat­ing pussy.” You’ll get a mil­lion hits!

–Civ­il Court, 141 Liv­ingston St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Suit Up

Suit on cell: I ex­pect­ed pus, but it’s got lit­tle black specks in it.

–Pel­ham Bay Park, the Bronx

Over­heard by: HelenA.Handbasket

Suit: When I said “fairy tale” I meant like Moth­er Goose–not Miss Dirty Mar­ti­ni!

–F train

Over­heard by: brain­curve

Suit #1 to suit #2: Oh sure, I’ve got a source. I can get you a kid­ney, no prob­lem.

–Madi­son Square Park

Fe­male suit on cell: I don’t think you’re hear­ing what I’m say­ing. I think you’re in a very nag­ging place right now.

–Du­ane & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Mid­dle-Aged suit: Boo­bies boo­bies boo­bies. Boo­bies boo­bies boo­bies…

–41st & 8th

Suit on cell: So there’s gonna be to­tal chaos on Sep­tem­ber 14th, but that’s all we have planned so far.

–Church St

Over­heard by: Dara

Suit: My goal in life is to one day sue some­one.

–A train

Over­heard by: LSB

We Pre­fer to Think of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers as “Found Art”

Girl on cell: So I bought this air con­di­tion­er for my liv­ing room, and it’s en­tire­ly too large for me to in­stall by my­self, be­cause it weighs 78 lbs. No, se­ri­ous­ly, I can­not even get it out of the box. I know–for the time be­ing I’m just re­fer­ring to it as a Duchamp “ready­made.” Ew! Don’t you call me bo­hemi­an!

–19th & 6th

Art pro­fes­sor: You should look at Pi­cas­so and Ma­tisse. These peo­ple will be more im­por­tant to you than your fam­i­ly. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he’s dead now.

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Over­heard by: traPt

Lawyer to friend, about Vin­cent van Gogh: You know, I could have got­ten him dis­abil­i­ty.

–Van Gogh Ex­hib­it, Mo­MA

Woman, dis­cussing gallery: It was all mod­ern stuff–but not, like, the kind of mod­ern art that chil­dren can do.

–20th & 5th

Tourist boy: You can see his pe­nis! It’s not art if you can see his pe­nis!

–Petrie Court, Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art