Screaming deranged lesbian to gay leathermen: Who’s the titty toucher?
(bewildered looks all around, then a gay leatherman sheepishly raises hand)
Screaming deranged lesbian: Here’s a 10% coupon! Thanks for the titty grope!
–The Leatherman Store
Tipsy attractive Asian lesbian to girlfriend: Oh, well. Actually, I just learned how to deep throat in December… Pretty awesome, once you get it down.
Tipsy, equally attractive girlfriend: My last girlfriend said she used to do it, too! Wow, men must hate me.
–Uptown 1 Train
Queer to friend: What sign are you?
Friend: Leo.
Queer: Oh, good. I decided that I am going to base what I think of people based on their astrological signs, and I hate Geminis. Like, if I adopt a baby and it’s a Gemini I’m going to give it back!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: poor kid
Woman #1: …she’s also a lesbian.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah. She’s a black Jewish lesbian mother.
Woman #2: …What do the kids look like?
–Central Park reservoir track
Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex ‑but I am committed.
–W 52nd & 9th
Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about
Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first.
–Wagner College Dinning Hall
Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit.
–Christopher Street
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle!
–Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: bitterfame
Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol?
–23rd & 7th
Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.]
–Pillow Fight, Union Square
Overheard by: Lillian
Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo!
–Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, this is so cool.
Girl #2: I know. [Smiles.]Girl #1: Thanks for bringing me here, I love you. I am so glad I became a lesbian, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have met you!
Girl #2: Aww, thanks. Do you want to go to my apartment now?
Girl #1: Yes! Let’s go. Are we going to have fun like we did last night?
Girl #2: Even more, baby.
–M&M Store, Times Square
Girl: I always thought she was a cool girl and she kind of intimidated me. I know that makes no sense, because–
Queer: –because she’s a fat lesbian?
–Horatio & Hudson
Overheard by: Shane
Mom: Did you hear Rosie O’Donnell is in Fiddler now?
Son: Why is it that every queer that comes into this city gets cast but me?
–TKTS, Duffy Square
Overheard by: Patrick McTamany
Girl to class: I love classical music! I listen to the Bambi soundtrack all the time!
–Curtis High School, Staten Island
Guy in lobby, at intermission: Hands down, the best band I’ve ever seen in concert… Hootie and the Blowfish.
–Jazz at Lincoln Center
Guy on cell: I guess they’re musicians. They put bitches ahead of practice.
–79th St b/w York & 1st
Overheard by: Queixa
Gay man to another, walking out of a bank: I mean, if you listen to like, one Sade song every six years, it’s okay.
–15th St & 8th Ave
Lesbian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and listen to Melissa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Kateri
Straight girl with a seat at the piano: No, I’ve never been here before, but I’m actually having a good time. I mean, I don’t know most of these songs, but earlier he was playing The Sound of Music, and I was rocking out to that.
–Marie’s Crisis Piano Bar
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Crazy old cat lady to guy who just shut off obnoxiously loud music in next lane: Why’d you shut it off? I liked that song!
–Marathon Parkway & Northern Boulevard
Woman: And you are not a lesbian either! You are only gay on weekends.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Adam Bozarth
Teen girl: I know Jimmy’s not gay because he stole my girlfriend.
–R train
Preacher: Mark my words–by sunrise you will be smothered in lesbians.
–53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Kaleena
Thoughtful guy: I always thought that if I were gay I’d be the manlier one. But now that I think about it I’d want to be the girly one for all the free stuff.
–26th & 1st
Overheard by: Charles
Guy on cell: Wait…Christ! It’s gayer than three snaps in Z formation in here.
–The Hangar, Christopher St
Overheard by: TK
Midwestern guy: That is complete bullshit! How do you make a dog gay?
–Century 21
Teen girl: It’s funny talking to him now. I mean, in the eighth grade we knew he was gay, but not take-it-up-the-butt gay.
–Uptown 1 train
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
