Archive for the ‘Licking’ Category

Pre­sent­ing the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Lol­lipop

Girl: He’s like, “Why so cold?” and I’m like, “You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I can­not em­pha­size enough that you licked my ear.”

–43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ru­in our friend­ship?

–W 4th Street

Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eye­ball, mom?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: thank­ful­ly, not the mom

20-some­thing woman talk­ing to friends: So, hav­ing some guy re­al­ly close to your ear with his tongue out is the most hor­ri­fy­ing thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the sub­way. He emp­tied, like, an en­tire tube of tooth­paste on my hair and back and then pro­ceed­ed to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bath­room. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I did­n’t feel clean un­til I got home and took a show­er.

–Gift Shop, The Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Over­heard by: Lau­ren Weiss

Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.

–As­tor Place Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Shane and Sam­my

Pre­ten­tious red­head: So I said, “Please don’t lick me. I’m just try­ing to do my job.”

–Up­town E Train

Over­heard by: won­der­ing where she works

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Cen­ter Of a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Chick on cell: It’s all about the eye­ball lick. Tell her.

–59th St & 9th Ave

Over­heard by: aenig­ma

NYPD cop: I would rather lick the street than ever smell your fart again.

–Forsyth St & E Hous­ton St

Over­heard by: Dave‑o

Teen girl to friends: He’s so gross! Se­ri­ous­ly, I’d rather lick my cat’s ass­hole than hook up with that guy!

–Barnes & No­ble, Bay­side

Guy at bar to friend: I can’t be­lieve you mar­ried a woman who won’t lick your ass­hole.

–Ale House, Mac­Dou­gal St

Ran­dom woman: Why do you al­ways in­sist on lick­ing my el­bow?

–86th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Jana

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Cen­ter of a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Chick: How am I sup­posed to ex­er­cise my au­thor­i­ty when peo­ple are ask­ing me, ‘Do you want to lick it?’?!

–Chur­ras­caria Platafor­ma

Dude: I used the lit­tle bath­room in the back, and there was sauce all over the toi­let. I want­ed to lick it up.

–Di­Fara’s Pizze­ria

Teen boy: Oh my god, Bar­rett Foa! He’s so hot… I want him to lick my vagi­na! Oh, my poor, crusty vagi­na…

–Stage door of Gold­en The­atre

Over­heard by: Emo Bar­bie Ju­lia

Hip­ster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!

–L train

Over­heard by: how many hot dogs?

Punk chick: Why are you so dis­gust­ed by lick­ing oth­er peo­ple’s eye­balls?

–17th Ave, Brook­lyn

That’s How Much I Re­spect Her.

Old la­dy to hus­band: I heard Brit­ney wants to adopt some pets in­stead tak­ing care of her chil­dren.
Hus­band: They should just leave her alone.
Old la­dy to hus­band: Now you are de­fend­ing her?
Hus­band: Not on­ly de­fend­ing her, I would wipe-lick her butt and ass-rape her un­til she farts cum.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: gio

There’s No Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Like Show Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Hip­ster Pee-wee Her­man looka­like to friend: Oh, and when I give her anilin­gus to let me di­rect a show? You’re to­tal­ly gonna be in it!

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Flea

Man: I be­lieve some of this will be made up.

–Go­ing in­to Wicked, Broad­way

Over­heard by: CAM

Black high­school girl: Oh my god, why do they keep singing?

In the Heights, Broad­way Mu­si­cal

Over­heard by: Cook­ie

Woman in Jer­sey ac­cent: Is this the one about the boy who wants to be a horse or the girl who wants to be a fish?

–At Equ­us, Broad­hurst The­atre

Over­heard by: Harlem­Ry

Daniel Rad­cliffe fan girl: I have to be in this show some day. Even if I’m eighty, I got­ta be in this show with him. I’d be like, “put it in me! Put it in me!”

–At Equ­us, Broad­hurst The­atre

Over­heard by: Nik­ki

Man leav­ing Hair: Well, that beats the hell out­ta Shake­speare!

–Out­side Dela­corte The­ater, Cen­tral Park

What? I Was at Berke­ley in the 70’s

Boyfriend: What do they got, babe?
Girl­friend: Um, sand­wich­es, baked zi­ti, tossed sal­ad…
Boyfriend: Aaaaw yeeeah. Tooossed saalaad.
Girl­friend: Alex…
Old­er 50-some­thing: What, what’s so fun­ny? What?
Boyfriend: Um…yeah, no. Noth­ing, I was just be­ing stu­pid.
(girl­friend gig­gles)
Old­er 50-some­thing: What?
(boyfriend whis­pers in 50-some­thing’s ear and she looks con­fused for a sec­ond)
Old­er aunt: Oh. You mean a rim job.

–Out­door Cafe, 1st & 7th

5‑­to-7-Day Lin­ers

Girl: Lisa went down on me while I was on my pe­ri­od. I de­cid­ed just to roll with it.

–Fry­ing Pan Bar

Pro­fes­sor: Let’s all go home and men­stru­ate! My goal in this class is to get all of you on the same sched­ule.


Over­heard by: Leslie

Up­scale fe­male suit on cell: I’m to­tal­ly on the rag, but you can still lick my ass­hole.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: The Troop­er

Gay guy on cell: I’m so cranky, I feel like I’m a girl who’s on her pe­ri­od and preg­nant.

–Park Ave & 29th St

Big black guy, loud­ly on phone: Why you bitchin at me be­cause I won’t cleeeeen be­hind you? I’m not gonna clean your nasty pe­ri­od ass of­fa the toi­let! (near­by peo­ple be­gin laugh­ing) Bitch, even the peo­ple on the streets be laugh­ing at you!

–123rd St & Man­hat­tan Ave