Archive for the ‘Lies’ Category

It De­pends on Whether She Swal­lows

Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a mes­sage that says “Sweet dreams, gor­geous.”
Girl #2: Hmm. Is­n’t that what they say to Mafioso girl­friends be­fore they slit their throats and throw them in the East Riv­er?

–Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: djlindee

Yup­pie #1: …and it’s not just be­cause she’s a chick.
Yup­pie #2: Yeah, it’d be the same if she were a dude.
Yup­pie #1: To­tal­ly! And it’s not be­cause I re­al­ly like to work, be­cause I don’t.
Yup­pie #2: To­tal­ly!

–Dock­’s Oys­ter Bar, 40th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

When He Drinks, the Hu­man Torch Be­haves Bad­ly

Drunk guy: Hi, my name’s Bob­by Flamer.
Girl: Ha­ha, there’s no way your last name is re­al­ly Flamer.
Drunk guy: No, se­ri­ous­ly, look at my ID.
Girl, look­ing at ID: This says your name is Er­ic Flamer.
Drunk guy: Yeah. I lied.

–Bar None, 3rd Ave be­tween 12th & 13th

Over­heard by: Zak San­tuc­ci

Jim Gaffi­gan: The Hor­ror!

Loud woman: You said you’d had Hot Pock­ets!
Qui­et woman: No, I…
Loud woman, in­ter­rupt­ing: Yes, you did! You told me you had had Hot Pock­ets!
Qui­et woman: I haven’t had Hot Pock­ets in weeks. Not since Evan*‘s par­ents were in town.
Loud woman: You told me you did just days ago! You lie! Li-ar!
Qui­et woman: No, I said the rea­son I had cake for break­fast is that I *ran out* of Hot Pock­ets!

–6th St & Ave A

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers– As Far As You Know

Man on cell, com­ing out of The Dark Knight: I’m sor­ry that I could­n’t pick up your call, I was in a very im­por­tant meet­ing with a client.

–Lowes Movie The­ater, 68th & Broad­way

Guy on cell walk­ing out of sub­way en­trance: I’m get­ting on the sub­way now.

–Park Place & Church Street

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Fe­male suit on cell: Well, I can’t talk long, I’m about to get on a plane. Yeah, JFK.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: pop pop

Over­weight woman to daugh­ter in pink tu­tu: You made me come here! Don’t lie! Don’t lie! Don’t lie!

–Ikea, Red­hook

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

An­noy­ing an­chor: I’m writ­ing a news­cast. I don’t have time to check facts.

–CBS News Head­quar­ters, 57th St

Over­heard by: The Shad­ow News Bun­ny

Wednes­day One-lin­ers

A chick push­ing an old woman in a wheel­chair says: Just let me know when you get tired of walk­ing.

–59th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Christo­pher

Queer: I can’t be­lieve she said I was a liar. Sure I make ran­dom stuff up, but I’m not a liar.

–West 4th & broad­way

Over­heard by: Mr­Robin­son

Hobo: All right fine, you win, I guess I do wish they were shit­ty pi­lots.

–6th Av­enue & 9th Street

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m se­ri­ous, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and mas­tur­bat­ing burns a lot of calo­ries, too.

–Brook­lyn

Very up­set drunk hobo, af­ter con­duc­tor an­nounces last stop: Your kickin’ all these peo­ple out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowl­ing Green Sta­tion

Street dancer: Every­one on earth was born as a re­sult of an or­gasm. Every­one mas­tur­bates. And if they say they don’t, they’re ly­ing. Even the Pope mas­tur­bates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throw­ing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Ass­hole mas­tur­bat­ed in my tea!

–Out­side Star­bucks

Teen thug: I wan­na plea­sure my­self while writ­ing an es­say, what’s the prob­lem with that?

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Robert G.