Woman #1: I hate this time of year in the city. It’s like there are ten times as many tourists as usual, because everyone’s on vacation.
Woman #2: I know. I mean, just look at the flocks of Asian people around here!
Woman #1: Ummmm, we’re in Chinatown.
–Mott & Grand
Overheard by: Elisabeth
Guy: Do you know how a penis works?
Chick: Yeah, but they are usually in my mouth.
–Houston St
Overheard by: HA
Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife.
–B train
Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff
Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.
–F train
Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!
–63rd & 3rd
Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”
–33rd & Park
Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.
–Park Slope
Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?
–55th & Madison
Overheard by: Matt
Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!
–Atlantic Avenue gas station
Overheard by: Megan
Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.
–Newark airport
Overheard by: jk
Drunk girl: My sister is coming! You have to be nice to her!
Guy: Yeah, sure… Who are you, again?
–Attorney & Houston
Overheard by: tj
Guy: The thing is, when you’re a pothead all of your friends are going to be potheads because when you’re out of pot, that’s who you’re going to call.
–The Magician, Rivington Street
Young Asian woman at a party on the Lower East Side: “…and it turns out that Chris Isaak asked me out only because he has an Asian fetish, and he’s apparently dated every Asian girl in San Francisco, I was creeped out…”
Stripper: Hey, baby! You got a cigarette?
Gentleman customer: No, baby. I’m Jamaican — I only smoke the herb.
–Scores, East Side
Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric’s an asshole, but he’s like… my asshole.
–11th & Broadway
Overheard by: Z
Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.
–Brooklyn Public House
Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies
Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn’t suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?
–Office, Midtown
Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!
–Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You’re all assholes! Stupid assholes!!
–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Hollister
Man, in a fury: And then she said that you had three kidneys and you won’t share none of them! That ain’t true, is it?
Woman, dejected: No, I only have two kidneys…
–Cooper Square
Overheard by: traceface
Wheeltard: Round here I’m just an idiot, but not in Brooklyn. I’m king in my neighborhood. When I cross that bridge and they see me comin’, they know I’m king.
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
Girl: I don’t know who she thinks she is, but just because she’s got cancer doesn’t make her Queen Bitch.
–Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
