Archive for the ‘Lower East Side’ Category

If Every­body You Meet Is a Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Check the Mir­ror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Er­ic’s an ass­hole, but he’s like… my ass­hole.

–11th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Z

Man on cell: I en­joy suck­ing the wind out of ass­holes.

–Brook­lyn Pub­lic House

Over­heard by: In fair­ness, the con­ver­sa­tion was about ver­bal bul­lies

Girl: Wow, my ass­hole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four dif­fer­ent bath­rooms on this floor and the one up, so I would­n’t suf­fer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Of­fice, Mid­town

Loud dude: My ass­hole is re­al­ly fuck­ing itchy!

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: ur­banad­ven­tur­er

Crazy hobo: At­ten­tion every­one! You’re all ass­holes! Stu­pid ass­holes!!

–Park Row, near Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: Hol­lis­ter

Democ­ra­cy Clears Does­n’t Work; Back to Monar­chy?

Wheeltard: Round here I’m just an id­iot, but not in Brook­lyn. I’m king in my neigh­bor­hood. When I cross that bridge and they see me comin’, they know I’m king.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: Alex Ro­manovich

Girl: I don’t know who she thinks she is, but just be­cause she’s got can­cer does­n’t make her Queen Bitch.

–Bleeck­er & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Tony

More Like Fist­ing Them, Re­al­ly

Lati­na: You like to dance?
Prep­py guy: Yeah.
Lati­na: The girls here are re­al­ly easy. I can in­tro­duce you to some that will let you touch their pussies.
Prep­py guy: Um­mm. I’m en­gaged.
Lati­na: That’s okay. My hus­band’s over there danc­ing with them right now.

–El­dridge St

Over­heard by: David

If They Had Kids, There’s a Fifth Op­tion

Girl: Think you’ll be able to con­vince your par­ents to go see a movie or some­thing over Christ­mas?
Guy: Not a chance. My par­ents are im­pos­si­ble to mo­ti­vate to do any­thing.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try dur­ing the hol­i­days.
Guy: I’m not kidding…They are com­plete­ly ex­haust­ed by eat­ing, sleep­ing, shit­ting, and work­ing. That’s all they have en­er­gy for.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: BBW

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Do Dal­las

Hobo: I was an ex­tra in the movie [in­audi­ble] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees scream­ing, ‘I’m a born-again porno ad­dict!’

–N train

Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don’t know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!

–Out­side adult video store, 14th & 6th

Over­heard by: Sarah

Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don’t be so se­ri­ous about it! It’ll be okay! Here, did you know there’s an an­i­mal rights group called ‘Porn Stars for Pups’?

–The Black Sheep

Over­heard by: Ar­gopel­ter

Guy on cell, push­ing by cou­ple with ba­by in stroller: I’m not go­ing to Cal­i­for­nia! I pay her twelve hun­dred dol­lars per hour. If she does­n’t sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hun­dred thir­ty-eight fuck­ing grand yes­ter­day! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!

–Ho­r­a­tio & Hud­son

Over­heard by: Stephen Lind­say

An­gry girl to friend: Se­ri­ous­ly, Chris, can’t we go one day with­out talk­ing about shiz­er porn?!

–East Vil­lage