Employee #1: Did you know one company will fly you to outer space for $40 million?
Employee #2: I would never do that. I’d shit myself.
Employee #1: I shit myself even going to Queens!
–Broad & Beaver
Archive for the ‘Lower Manhattan’ Category
I’m a Little Fuzzy on the Late Nineties
Woman: Well, it turns out that I was married a second time.
Man: Turns out to be? Like this was a surprise to you?
–Church & Liberty
Times Were Tough for Fezzik After the Flash in the pan of ‘The Princess Bride’
Fat bouncer #1: Where the fuck is there a bagel store around here?
Fat bouncer #2: Umm… Bagels are delicious. Hey, maybe they have knishes. That rhymed!
Fat bouncer #1: You make no fucking sense.
–The Knitting Factory
Overheard by: hjane
Think They Have Italian Food?
Girl #1: Do you think there are more places to eat this way or that way?
Cop: Well, there are four that way, and two this way, but the better places are this way.
Girl #2: Can you recommend a good place to eat then?
Cop: Uh, there’s supposed to be somewhere good on the corner of Spring and Mulberry.
Girl #1: Do you know the name of the place?
Cop: Maybe Lugi’s or Lombardi’s or something, some woppy Italian name.
–Little Italy
Overheard by: San Gennaro Reveler
That’s Clearly What’s Written There
White guy: Yo, what up my nigga?
Black guy: Chillin’, bro.
White chick #1: Did you hear what he just said?
White chick #2: Yeah, but it’s OK, he said nigga, not nigger.
–Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Uncle Ray Ray
Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Understand the Caucus System
Bleach-blonde: I would totally vote for McCain if Miley Cyrus were his running mate.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Democrat
Woman: Oh, I am definitely a single-issue voter. And right now, that issue is: Which one of the candidates can get me to a bathroom soonest?
–7th Avenue, Park Slope
Overheard by: Chuckell
Drunk hobo to a group of pigeons: And they’re all Democrats. Can’t trust them Democrats.
–Washington Square Park
Young African American woman speaking animatedly on cell: … Vice president? Why should I run for Vice President, I’m doing better than you, bitch! "Dream ticket!" That’s why I hate white liberals. They don’t know when they’re fucked up. Republicans don’t give a shit about you, but they know it.
–124th St, Harlem
Drunk wheelbo, shouting across the entire ferry terminal: Hillary, Hillary, she’s our man! If she can’t do it, no one can!
–Whitehall Ferry Terminal
Lady on cell: When you done turn Governor, you can’t play dat shit…
–Associated Supermarket, Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PdQ
Maybe If You Shaved Her Balls?
Chick #1: I dunno, I’d be scared to have kids with Todd.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: I mean, he’s an okay-looking guy and all, but can you imagine if a girl looked like him?
–15th & 5th
Overheard by: Manhattman
Do You Take This Wednesday to Be Your Lawfully Wedded One-Liner?
Grad student: Translation: Will you marry me? Or: I don’t want germs.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude: … My wedding [mumble] gonna take away my clothes, so I’m going to need a tear-away tuxedo.
–53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jo
Chick to another: Yeah, he’s the one who wouldn’t marry her because she was too pale.
–Starbucks
Blonde: … And I’m really not sure, because he said he shouldn’t unless we are married, but that it’s okay, we could just do it and then he could just confess his sins or something like that…
–Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: Dan
Lesbian to group: So, what is the reason behind getting married, besides pretending to be heterosexual? Exactly — presents!
–Party, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jude
Just a Little Bit Of Wednesday One-Liner Repeating
Mother to child in front of diorama of pilgrims and Native Americans: Well, that's because the Indians never met real people before.
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Peter R.
Young girl, arriving through train tunnel at Grand Central Station: I wonder if Harriet Tubman is down here.
–Grand Central Station
Airhead: I think like… Colonialization is like… The umbrella theme of, like… Diplomacy.
–Pommes Frites
History teacher, about Andrew Jackson: He tight, he kill mad people, he buggin'.
–High School
Teacher, discussing Thomas Jefferson's mistress: You see, guys? History is exciting! It's full of sex!
–High School, Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: SzN31
You Don’t Expect It to Rise Up Like That
Forklift operator #1: How’s it going, James?
Forklift operator #2: These boxes of matzah just ain’t cooperatin’.
–NYC Food Bank
Overheard by: Shane Hoffman