Archive for the ‘Lube’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are “Tech­ni­cal Vir­gins”

Slut­ty gay kid: My ass is not a stor­age shed for your dick.

–6th Ave & W 11th St

Over­heard by: Matthew

Man on cell on bench at mid­night: It’s like this: you ei­ther take it in the ass or suck dick.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: DAISY­MAE

Guy hold­ing KY lube con­tain­ers to pass­er-by: Hey, you want some for your girl­friend? You can put it on her ass­hole.

–St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: Kon

Girl on cell: Maybe if you change your re­la­tion­ship sta­tus on Face­book to “in a re­la­tion­ship”, I’ll let you have butt­sex with me.

–So­Ho

Over­heard by: seal

Blond suit scream­ing in­to Black­Ber­ry: I said I don’t want butt­sex for Valen­tine’s Day!

–38th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kat

Some Wednes­day One-Lin­ers to Make You Lose Your Ap­petite

Guy on cell: It’s not like I take my ear wax, put it on my pe­nis, and use it as lube.

–Queens

Over­heard by: Jess

Friends on stoop: Bro, did you see that ass? I would lick the fart out that ass!

–19th & 6th

Mid­dle-aged yup­pie, about club in Las Ve­gas: And I said “here’s our check, and if an­oth­er pu­bic hair falls in our drink, you’re in trou­ble!”

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Scott

Boy in car to mom: Hey mom, what about anal leak­age?

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Bren­na

Guy to friend: She said she was stressed out study­ing for fi­nals, I did­n’t re­al­ize that meant she had­n’t been show­er­ing. As soon as I got there we start­ed “hit­ting it”. It was too late when I re­al­ized how dirty she was. Dude, I lit­er­al­ly licked a lay­er of crust off her.

–3rd St b/w Ave A & B

Over­heard by: saf­fro­sun

Wednes­day One-Lin­er Can Be Made Of Ivory, Glass, Rub­ber and Some­times Wood

Loud girl to friend: How the hell do you lose your vi­bra­tor?

–4th St & 2nd Ave

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m just wait­ing in line at Whole Foods. Still want me to bring the dil­do over?

–Whole Foods

Gay man to boyfriend: I’m glad we could come here and show your cowork­ers that we re­al­ly do buy lube for our sex­u­al ad­ven­tures.

–The Leather Man

Over­heard by: i don’t go to sex shops with my boyfriend

Creepy old­er man on phone: Some­one should re­al­ly dil­do her.

–5th Ave & 58th St.

Over­heard by: Court­ney

Girl, loud­ly: Why did­n’t you tell me you bought lube?!

–Crowd­ed NYU El­e­va­tor

Over­heard by: S

Large woman to group of friends: And if some­one asks a ques­tion, I just wave a dil­do in front of their eyes!

–Brook­lyn Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: Li­at

Your Ed­i­tors Have Seen All These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watch­ing some porn the oth­er day and saw the creepi­est thing! (pause) No, it’s not a pe­nis. I’ve seen penis­es be­fore. (pause) No, it was­n’t an ug­ly pe­nis. That would be like…what, a her­pes pe­nis? (pause) So any­way, I was watch­ing this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it in­to a vagi­na. Like, up to his friggin’…past his nose! (pause, then laugh­ing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Prep­py guy: If it’s made out of brass, it’s not porno­graph­ic.

–Brook­lyn Botan­i­cal Gar­dens

Over­heard by: Hunter (aka

Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: j

In­dig­nant law stu­dent: Look, the fact is, the videos of an­i­mal tor­ture were not be­ing used for sex­u­al grat­i­fi­ca­tion!

–Ford­ham Law School

Beat­nik pro­fes­sor: The in­ter­net is on­ly good for two things. On­line bank­ing is not one of them. If you on­line bank, then you’re fucked for life. They’ll steal your iden­ti­ty. The in­ter­net is good for porn, and for get­ting un­der­wear on sale. Now, I know many peo­ple may find buy­ing a brassiere on­line to be strange, but women do it any­way. Now, the in­ter­net is great for porn, but you can’t do kid­die porn. If you do kid­die porn then they’ll get you. We all know who they are.

–Queens Col­lege

Those Who Can’t Do, Wednes­day One-Lin­er

An­thro­pol­o­gy prof: Amish youth in Penn­syl­va­nia have the op­por­tu­ni­ty to go out and ex­pe­ri­ence main­stream so­ci­ety for a pe­ri­od of time be­fore de­cid­ing whether or not to leave Amish so­ci­ety. An over­whelm­ing amount de­cide to re­turn to Amish so­ci­ety. That re­al­ly tells you some­thing about the co­he­sive­ness of this re­li­gious sect! (pause) Then again, maybe it’s just be­cause Philadel­phia is the city they all go out in­to.

–Class­room, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Mar­tin Van Nos­trand

Pro­fes­sor: You still need to lu­bri­cate any­thing that’s slid­ing in and out.

–The Coop­er Union

NYU prof: I have an aunt who is 105, and she just keeps on liv­ing. I just want to tell her, “you don’t need to live for-fuck­ing-ever. Die al­ready, you have no qual­i­ty of life!

–NYU

Co­lum­bia pro­fes­sor (to teach­ing as­sis­tant): You know, I’ve been teach­ing this stuff so long, I al­most be­lieve it.

–Class­room, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Pro­fes­sor: I hope that Freud read­ing gave you a rise. I did­n’t just say that.

–NYU

Over­heard by: Yeah. It did.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Do It Via Text

Girl on cell: My ex-boyfriend used to call the sub­way “The MTA,” and I was like, “Yeah…this is­n’t work­ing out.”

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: I would’ve dumped him too

Teenag­er on cell: If, hy­po­thet­i­cal­ly, what we had been do­ing was dat­ing, then tech­ni­cal­ly, hy­po­thet­i­cal­ly, he just broke up with me. Fuck­ing douche.

–Fi­na­cial Dis­trict

Cute girl: Don’t you know the rules of break-ups? You have to clean out the draw­er. You can’t bring old lube to a new re­la­tion­ship.

–Es­sex & Grand

Over­heard by: yale­townkid

Guy to friend: So you’re telling me that I broke up with her be­cause of lube?

–Park Slope

Guy on cell: Look, I know I said “for­ev­er.” It’s not your fault! To be hon­est, I just nev­er re­al­ly liked you that much!

–West 4th St. Sub­way En­trance

Prep­py boy: That was the worst part about break­ing up with my ex-girl­friend. She got a 50% dis­count at Po­lo!

–Bloom­ing­dale’s