Archive for the ‘Lube’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are “Technical Virgins”

Slutty gay kid: My ass is not a storage shed for your dick. –6th Ave & W 11th St Overheard by: Matthew Man on cell on bench at midnight: It's like this: you either take it in the ass or suck dick. –Battery Park Overheard by: DAISYMAE Guy holding KY lube containers to passer-by: Hey, you want some for your girlfriend? You can put it on her asshole. –St. Mark's Overheard by: Kon Girl on cell: Maybe if you change your relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship", I'll let you have buttsex with me. –SoHo Overheard by: seal Blond suit screaming into BlackBerry: I said I don't want buttsex for Valentine's Day! –38th St & Broadway Overheard by: Kat

Some Wednesday One-Liners to Make You Lose Your Appetite

Guy on cell: It's not like I take my ear wax, put it on my penis, and use it as lube. –Queens Overheard by: Jess Friends on stoop: Bro, did you see that ass? I would lick the fart out that ass! –19th & 6th Middle-aged yuppie, about club in Las Vegas: And I said "here's our check, and if another pubic hair falls in our drink, you're in trouble!" –Times Square Overheard by: Scott Boy in car to mom: Hey mom, what about anal leakage? –Brooklyn Overheard by: Brenna Guy to friend: She said she was stressed out studying for finals, I didn't realize that meant she hadn't been showering. As soon as I got there we started "hitting it". It was too late when I realized how dirty she was. Dude, I literally licked a layer of crust off her. –3rd St b/w Ave A & B Overheard by: saffrosun

Wednesday One-Liner Can Be Made Of Ivory, Glass, Rubber and Sometimes Wood

Loud girl to friend: How the hell do you lose your vibrator? –4th St & 2nd Ave Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm just waiting in line at Whole Foods. Still want me to bring the dildo over? –Whole Foods Gay man to boyfriend: I'm glad we could come here and show your coworkers that we really do buy lube for our sexual adventures. –The Leather Man Overheard by: i don't go to sex shops with my boyfriend Creepy older man on phone: Someone should really dildo her. –5th Ave & 58th St. Overheard by: Courtney Girl, loudly: Why didn't you tell me you bought lube?! –Crowded NYU Elevator Overheard by: S Large woman to group of friends: And if someone asks a question, I just wave a dildo in front of their eyes! –Brooklyn Museum Overheard by: Liat

Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald. –11th St & 5th Ave Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic. –Brooklyn Botanical Gardens Overheard by: Hunter (aka Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep. –St. Mark's Place Overheard by: j Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification! –Fordham Law School Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are. –Queens College

Those Who Can't Do, Wednesday One-Liner

Anthropology prof: Amish youth in Pennsylvania have the opportunity to go out and experience mainstream society for a period of time before deciding whether or not to leave Amish society. An overwhelming amount decide to return to Amish society. That really tells you something about the cohesiveness of this religious sect! (pause) Then again, maybe it's just because Philadelphia is the city they all go out into. –Classroom, Fordham University Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand Professor: You still need to lubricate anything that's sliding in and out. –The Cooper Union NYU prof: I have an aunt who is 105, and she just keeps on living. I just want to tell her, "you don't need to live for-fucking-ever. Die already, you have no quality of life! –NYU Columbia professor (to teaching assistant): You know, I've been teaching this stuff so long, I almost believe it. –Classroom, Columbia University Professor: I hope that Freud reading gave you a rise. I didn't just say that. –NYU Overheard by: Yeah. It did.

Wednesday One-Liners Do It Via Text

Girl on cell: My ex-boyfriend used to call the subway "The MTA," and I was like, "Yeah…this isn't working out." –Penn Station Overheard by: I would've dumped him too Teenager on cell: If, hypothetically, what we had been doing was dating, then technically, hypothetically, he just broke up with me. Fucking douche. –Finacial District Cute girl: Don't you know the rules of break-ups? You have to clean out the drawer. You can't bring old lube to a new relationship. –Essex & Grand Overheard by: yaletownkid Guy to friend: So you're telling me that I broke up with her because of lube? –Park Slope Guy on cell: Look, I know I said "forever." It's not your fault! To be honest, I just never really liked you that much! –West 4th St. Subway Entrance Preppy boy: That was the worst part about breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. She got a 50% discount at Polo! –Bloomingdale's

Insert “Shitty Education” Joke

Young guy to his friend: As least if she’s got diarrhea, I won’t need the lube.
Friend: Dude. That’s gross. Like I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Guy: Well I mean it sounds gross and if you get past the smell, it’s pretty kick ass. Awesome texture man!
Friend: You’ve done this before?!
Guy: The first time, I didn’t want to. But afterwards, I was thinking of sneaking her laxatives cuz it was so rad. But dude! I lucked out, she has digestive issues!
Friend: What the hell did NYU do to you? –F Train