Archive for the ‘Malls’ Category

Reg­u­lar Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman: …Then they gave him en­e­mas un­til it ran clear. Now he has­n’t had a move­ment in three days. Should I be wor­ried?

–Sub­way

Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the up­stairs bath­room.

–44th & 3rd

Am­bigu­ous­ly gay ac­tor: Flow­ers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Over­heard by: a girl who poops

Fresh­man chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.

–Re­stroom, Hunter Col­lege

Cheru­bic blonde chick to an­oth­er: You know that ‘BM’ means poop, right?

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Suit-in-train­ing: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit — I for­got.

–NYU Stern Build­ing

Guy wait­ing for stall: Let’s go gang, push it out! We got­ta go out here!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: KeeZ

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Vanes­sa Hud­gens

Girl on phone: Well then, rid­dle me this, smart guy: why’d I wake up naked?

–Smith & Sack­ett, Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Swim­fan

Girl: Oh my god! I can’t wait to see them naked!

–El­e­va­tor, Times Square Arts Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Mu­se­um work­er: And then I woke up buck naked in a ho­tel, and there were pic­tures of me all over the room.

–Mu­se­um of Art and De­sign

Guy: No, I will not do it in here again. Just be­cause I’m wear­ing noth­ing un­der my jack­et, does­n’t mean I’m go­ing to flash a crowd of peo­ple in every store we en­ter. I’ve done it three times al­ready. Get your rocks off some oth­er way.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle Mall Es­ca­la­tor

Over­heard by: Mar­tin

Drunk girl at NYU protest: I don’t even know why I’m here, I just want to take off my clothes!

–NYU Kim­mel Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Lilo

Girl on train: Oh, hi! I did­n’t rec­og­nize you with your clothes on.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Don’t even wan­na know

Girl on cell: So I’m gonna be naked, but that’s okay, I’ll be wear­ing rollerblades.

–N 4th & Bed­ford Ave

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers (the King James Ver­sion)

Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then loud­er.] If the Amish can do it, so can you!

–113th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

La­dy on cell: You tell my mom­ma to get her ass to church and stop sin­ning!

–Grand Con­course, 205th St.

Over­heard by: LSB

Black guy to an­oth­er: Go to the Catholic church, crac­ka. They got good drugs.

–11th & A

Mid­dle East­ern man: I be­lieve in Is­lam and Al­lah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop do­ing those things, then I’ll pray.

–C Train

Over­heard by: Mark

Thug: I to­tal­ly in­vent­ed the Chuck Nor­ris re­li­gion.

–Queens Mall

Over­heard by: LSB

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!

Young woman to an­oth­er: But do you know how big a horse dick is?

–5th Ave & Car­roll, Park Slope

Girl: I’m re­al­ly tired. I’m, like, an an­i­mal ac­tivist right now.

–Park­ing Lot, Broad­way Mall

Over­heard by: Lysa

Stu­dent: I’m not that sen­si­tive. I can watch those videos where they like, tor­ture the an­i­mal or what­ev­er, and then I’ll go eat it.

–Car­do­zo Law School

Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Pan­da?

–NYU Din­ing Hall

Co­lum­bia girl: I’d nev­er have asked if I knew he was the one who’d killed it. But I did­n’t sus­pect him. Who’d spend their time stran­gling a ger­bil?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Who’d have thought?

Gui­do to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.

–Penn Sta­tion

La­dy on speak­er: If you have an an­i­mal, please do not put it through the X‑ray.

–La­Guardia Air­port

You’ll Un­der­stand When You Have Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fraz­zled moth­er to young child: Hur­ry. Hur­ry. Look, the mon­ster is go­ing to get you if you don’t walk faster!

–Queens Mall

Moth­er to small child: If you eat your two pieces of chick­en, I’ll give you a raisin.

–Col­lege Point Shop­ping Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Yese­nia

Mom speak­ing to son: Sweet­ie, do I look like a egg­beat­er?

–Wa­ter­side Plaza

Woman on bus to child with large hear­ing aid: Sit down prop­er­ly! Are you lis­ten­ing to me?

–M23 Bus

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Moth­er to whiny tod­dler: I can’t lis­ten to you any­more! I fear for both of us.

–15th St & Uni­ver­si­ty Place

Over­heard by: Sarah M.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go Look­ing for a Vein

Girl #1 to girl #2: Would­n’t you just rather have a night where we just get re­al­ly high and scis­sor?

–Grand & Union, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: So they’re smok­ing crack and fuck­ing on his moth­er’s bed!

–17th & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Dave

Lit­tle kid: Look, I’m on crack!

–Ap­ple Store, Stat­en Is­land Mall

Over­heard by: Robert

Junkie to junkie com­pan­ion, stand­ing in front of Band-Aids: I need to test pos­i­tive for methadone and neg­a­tive for every­thing else…

–Wal­greens, Union Square

Hobo on train: Does any­one have any mon­ey for me? Any food? Any opi­um? Lots and lots of opi­um?

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: left my opi­um stash at home

20-some­thing blond girl on cell: You just have to con­vince them that you care more about col­lege than you do about drugs, and they’ll give you an­oth­er chance…that’s what I did!

–Chi­na­town Bus

Over­heard by: Gav­in­Joyce

Tourist: So I called her up and said, “Come down or you’re go­ing to miss break­fast, and I want to have break­fast with you.” And all she said was, “I re­al­ly like opi­um.” and I was like, “Oh, okay.”

–33rd & 7th

Over­heard by: EthanK