Archive for the ‘Manhattan’ Category

Sadly Not Beyond the Realm of Possibility

Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.

Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I’m sorry. I didn’t know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].

–World Trade Center PATH station

The Wednesday One-liners NYC Tour Guide

Black woman: This here is Chelsea. It’s where all the rich homosexuals live.

–18th Street between 7th & 8th

Teenage kid: There are some hot Chinese bitches at this stop, son!

–Fulton Street G station

Overheard by: Thomas Bugarin

Woman: Well, I’m in Soho now…

–Union Square

Overheard by: Davis McDavis

Queer: Oh, I went to Queens once. By accident. I was coming back from La Guardia and the taxi driver said he was taking me on a shortcut.

–Starlight, Avenue A

Overheard by: Lukas

Thug: Next stop: Ghettoville, USA! That’s real America, none of this Japanese-American bullshit. Mmmm…smell that? Smells like the East Village!

–A train

Guy: This is the new Wall Street Times building.

–41st & 8th construction site

Man: See, that’s the one. If I was gonna write it a letter, I would begin, “Dear Ugliest Building in New York City”.

–Westin Hotel, Times Square

Overheard by: Kayla Cagan

Guy on cell: Bond Street? It’s north of Houston Street so it’s not in Soho. But I don’t know what the neighborhood is called.

–City Hall Park

She’s a Vegan — Pass the Cheesecake

Girl #1: So I was thinking about milk the other day. Milk comes from cows. And what do cows eat?
Girl #2: Other cows?
Girl #1: No, dumbass! They eat grass! So it stands to reason, when you drink milk, you’re actually drinking liquified grass.
Girl #2: Ugh, gross! I’m so not drinking milk anymore.
Girl #1: Totally, that’s why I drink soy.

–Veniero’s, 11th St & 1st Ave

Where’s the Climax to This Story?

Guy #1: Last summer I was hangin’ out in Richmond for a weekend and me and some other people were havin’ a party and someone gave me and this girl a pill and told us it was painkillers.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? Sounds like…fun.
Guy #1: Well the next day, after we had had sex in a pool in front of like 30 people for about 10 hours, the girl who told us it was painkillers told us it was actually Cialis.

–CVS, 23rd & 1st

Overheard by: katie facada

Wednesday One-liners Spell It “Aminals”

Laina and Nathan (A NYC Short Story)

Man: Why’d you read all my email?
Woman: I only did it once.
Man: Yeah, right. You mentioned whether I wrote to Barry about that girl from Canada out of the blue, where’d that come from?
Woman: Why would I lie?
Man: It’s against the law. You violated me. I’d never do that to you.
Woman: You’d do it.
Man: No.
Woman: You don’t get it.
Man: I do.
Woman: Here, read my email.
Man: No.
Woman: Read mine!
Man: Laina, no!
Woman: “I liked the way you touched me after yoga class–”
Man: Laina, it was a joke!
Woman: It’s not funny.
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You fucked her! And what about Match.com girl? You gave her your home email.
Man: Please. When was this?
Woman: January. What is that? You want to screw other people? Why is that?
Man: Laina…it was a joke.
Woman: Oh, and what about this? “I love the way your long hair shakes down onto my chest. I will have to repay you soon.”
Man: I didn’t pay her a dime.
Woman: Two weeks later you went with me and my family to the Vineyard.
Man: You have every right to be upset. It was once, honey!
Woman: You told me you loved me!
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You don’t joke like this with someone you used to fuck and still likes you.
Man: I didn’t fuck her.
Woman: She still likes you.
Man: Laina.
Woman: You’re sick, Nathan! You hear me?! You’re just sick!

–Cafe Pick Me Up, Avenue A

Overheard by: Gideon Wallace