Guy: …and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.
–Fulton & Gold
Archive for the ‘Man’s Best Friend’ Category
Wednesday One-liners, American Idols
Tourist: Oh my god! That’s Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s like, actually walking down the street!
–Magnolia Bakery
Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear
JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!
–The Prime Grill, 49th Street
Twentysomething woman on cell: I’m gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore’s dog.
–in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave
A New York Moment
A woman has a chihuahua in her purse. An old man enters the train.
Old man: Cute dog. Do you take him everywhere?
Woman: Uh huh. We saw Spider-man yesterday.
Old man: You saw Spider-man yesterday?
Woman: Yeah.
Old man: How did you like it?
Woman: Oh, you know. It is what it is.
Old man: Not that great, huh? Ha, ha. Well, take care.
The man leaves the train. The woman looks down at her dog.
Woman: That was weird.
–V Train
Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?
Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!
–23rd & 8th
Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C’mon, buddy. It wasn’t meant to be.
–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so upset.
–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what’s wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?
–West 4th Station
The End Of Western Civilization: An OINY Short Story.
Lawyer #1: I saw this funny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “retards” and there was this one called “retarded Britney Spears fan.” It was a retard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two seconds of it before I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “extreme pain”? I could only watch about five seconds of it. A guy was cutting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That's some sick shit. How's your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her between the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eating pussy.” You'll get a million hits!
–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
The Cooties Appear to Have Gone to His Brain
Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn’t.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don’t let him pet you.
–Central Park
Overheard by: amused tourist
Which, Coincidentally, Is Also the Name Of My Band.
Chick: I wanna get me one of those, like, silent dogs?
Guy: It'll probably be a sneaky dog.
–1 Train
Overheard by: de kraai
Nuts for Wednesday One-liners
Chris Noth: I talked to her for 10 minutes and figured out she was crazy.
–15th & Irving
Overheard by: Ameha Beyene
Dog: Um, I'll Just Stay Here, Thanks
Hispanic dude, about large Pitbull: Yo, this nigga is the one! I'ma take this nigga home with me!
Girlfriend, about adjacent dog: I like this one!
Hispanic dude: Bitch, fuck you! I'ma take the dog and leave you here! Put you in the dog cage, take this nigga home!
–Animal Care and Control, Adoptable Dog Ward
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Superpoke! Wednesday Has Thrown a One-Liner at You!
Frustrated stylist on computer: How do you spell "Google"?
–Dramatics Hair Salon
Hot Asian woman: She hasn't even posted her face on Facebook!
–88th & 2nd
Overheard by: Sam H.
Teen to friend: My mom still hasn't Facebooked me back about taking care of my dog.
–Bedford Ave
Overheard by: kayt
Sorority girl: Like…oh my god. We should write about ourselves on Juicy Campus and see what other people say.
–Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angela
Middle-aged janitor: You've got to try that internet! It has everything!
–MoMA
Overheard by: Cristina