Chick #1: … I don’t know…
Chick #2: Trust me — he wants it, but he’ll never ask. You do it by surprise, and he’ll, like, cum all over you.
Chick #1: It just seems nasty.
Chick #2: Yeah, it’s nasty — that’s why guys like it! And I guess it feels good. I mean, boy dogs lick their own, right?
–21st St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Manhattman
Hipster #1: Oh look, a Boston Terrier!
Hipster #2: Boston Terriers are so last year…
–Bedford, Williamsburg
Geek: Well, she was dog-sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn’t get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn’t have a car and didn’t know what to do with it because she couldn’t carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn’t think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, ‘Electronics!’ Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: … Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can’t wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later…] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face… Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!
–Metro-North, New Haven line
Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you’re out of breath because you’re out of shape. (pause) No, you’re not fat. You’re voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it’s not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.
–Central Park
Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I’ve been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn’t working!
–Williamsburg
Woman to her dog: Don’t be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!
–10th St & Broadway
Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.
–Brooklyn
Fat lady walking Pit Bull: The cop told me I have to put a muzzle on my dog.
Friend: Are you?
Fat lady: Hell no. Does my dog look like he’s into kinky shit?!
–115th & Broadway
Overheard by: nassah
Hipster to her dog: You know, you really are the best pooper I know!
–Prince & MacDougal
Overheard by: Yann
Woman to dog: Why do you always have to pee on your paws? Oh, honey… Do not pee on your feet!
–12th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Thompson
Hispanic guy to his dog: What are you do – ? Why don’t you listen to me? What the hell — didn’t I tell you that is bad?!
–98th & Lex
Overheard by: Laughing my ass off
Queer to his yappy dog: No, no, no! You’ve already peed on that. You’ve peed on everything!
–28th St & 8th Ave
Woman to dog in baby talk: Yes, other people’s poo makes me very happy, yes!
–48th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Jrsey tan Carrie Bradshaw: Oh. My. Gawd. This naybahood look jus like Charlotte’s! (King Charles Spaniel walks by) Oh my gawd! Thats Charlotte’s dawg!
Jersey tan long summer dress: Oh my gawwwd, it is… That’s so weird!
Jersey tan Carrie Bradshaw: Everything is sooo Sex and the City right now! It’s scary that like everything in my life relates back to Sex and the City!
–81st & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Andy
A Lab suddenly breaks free from the parking tenant and runs into the street and starts nipping at the skirt of a lady walking with her boyfriend.
Parking guy #1: Yo! Come on, pooch! Get your ass over here! Fuckin’ bitch!
Parking guy #2: Yo! That bitch is crazy, B!
Lady: What in the fuck is that?
Guy: Clearly it’s a dog, hon.
Lady: No shit! Get it the fuck away from me!
Passing dude: Damn…see that’s the beauty of the hood…that bitch would have been shot. No question, yo!
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: E‑nigmatic
Guy: What does that tattoo say?
Chick: *Sigh* I promised myself I’d never get a tattoo unless I had a kid. Then I got a dog. It says Roxy. That’s her name. Now I have to explain to everyone how I’m the biggest loser in the world.
–LES
Law student to little girl with pink balloon dog: I really like your balloon! It’s so pretty!
Girl’s dad: What do you say?
Little girl: Woof woof!
–79th & 2nd
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist