Archive for the ‘Man's Best Friend’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners and the Pooper-Scooper

Hipster to her dog: You know, you really are the best pooper I know!

–Prince & MacDougal

Overheard by: Yann

Woman to dog: Why do you always have to pee on your paws? Oh, honey… Do not pee on your feet!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Thompson

Hispanic guy to his dog: What are you do–? Why don’t you listen to me? What the hell — didn’t I tell you that is bad?!

–98th & Lex

Overheard by: Laughing my ass off

Queer to his yappy dog: No, no, no! You’ve already peed on that. You’ve peed on everything!

–28th St & 8th Ave

Woman to dog in baby talk: Yes, other people’s poo makes me very happy, yes!

–48th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Your Editors Are Terrified

Jrsey tan Carrie Bradshaw: Oh. My. Gawd. This naybahood look jus like Charlotte’s! (King Charles Spaniel walks by) Oh my gawd! Thats Charlotte’s dawg!
Jersey tan long summer dress: Oh my gawwwd, it is… That’s so weird!
Jersey tan Carrie Bradshaw: Everything is sooo Sex and the City right now! It’s scary that like everything in my life relates back to Sex and the City!

–81st & Columbus Ave

Overheard by: Andy

He Means the Dog, You Crummy Jerk!

A Lab suddenly breaks free from the parking tenant and runs into the street and starts nipping at the skirt of a lady walking with her boyfriend.

Parking guy #1: Yo! Come on, pooch! Get your ass over here! Fuckin’ bitch!
Parking guy #2: Yo! That bitch is crazy, B!
Lady: What in the fuck is that?
Guy: Clearly it’s a dog, hon.
Lady: No shit! Get it the fuck away from me!
Passing dude: Damn…see that’s the beauty of the hood…that bitch would have been shot. No question, yo!

–48th & 8th 

Overheard by: E‑nigmatic

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Ups and “Downs”

Dog owner to another: Dogs are funny. They’re like little retarded kids.

–Tompkins Square Park Dog Run

Guy on cell: She went from Debbie downer to Debbie Down Syndrome.

–62nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Timo Lipping

Dad: I thought she would like Carolina, so we took her to see four schools there. I asked her if she liked them and she said, “I liked the schools… But everyone there seemed slightly retarded.”

–W 54th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Johnny V.

Southern woman who just ran NYC marathon to Southern friend: Well, we can’t have a baby now because it would be retarded… because I’m 35, you know?

–Becco Restaurant, Theater District

Overheard by: mersayseh

If Paris Hilton Comes Into Red Lobster, We’ll Discuss It

Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We’re from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it’s because in New York we know that you can’t bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can’t?
Woman: No, you can’t. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y’all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.

–Red Lobster, Times Square

Overheard by: Lynne & Craig

The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That’s how scared he was.

–107th & Broadway

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that’s totally worse than them biting you.

–Majestic Theater

Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Overheard by: Todd Fletcher

Girl on cell: No, you can’t go! I’m too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Supermarket, Astoria

Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Alex

Wednesday, with a One-Liner Chaser

Female day-drinking tourist: Oh shit, I left my vodka in the church!

–Outside Trinity Church

Man on cell: If it’s possible to ferment it, we have fermented it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Middle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the other. I’m like that. My bladder has room for the equivalent of one good cocktail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Overheard by: Ah.…middle age

Commuter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: baconista

Old drunk walking into a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my prescription?

–Broadway & 106th St

Overheard by: rickbruner