Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

Wow, “Long Is­land” and “Bet­ter” in One Dis­cus­sion

Suit #1: How long have you lived here?
Suit #2: How old are you? Prob­a­bly longer than you have been alive.
Suit #1: Born and raised in New York, huh?
Suit #2: No, a farm in PA. Got the fuck out of there, though. Met a girl from New York–well ac­tu­al­ly, Long Island–married her and moved out here. Thought she had mon­ey. Yeah…fooled the shit out of me.
Suit #3: Ha, you were that close to be­ing bet­ter than all of us.

–Wall & Wa­ter

The Kind Of Thing We’ve Come to Ex­pect from Blondie.

Blonde in con­vert­ible: Hey, cutie!
Suit: (turns around briefly, keeps walk­ing)
Blonde: Hey! With the nice ass, we were talk­ing to you!
Suit, walk­ing back to con­vert­ible: Yes?
Blonde: My friend here thinks you’re cute and wants your num­ber.
Suit: Uh… I’m flat­tered, but I have a fi­ancee, so I’ll pass.
Brunette dri­ver: I did­n’t ask if you were sin­gle, I said you had a nice ass and I want your num­ber.
Suit: Again, thanks, but no.
Brunette: How about I give you mine?
Blonde: You know, for when the mar­riage does­n’t work out.
Suit: Yeah, no. But you girls have a great day.

–3rd Ave & 46th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are the Fourth Sacra­ment

Girl: I can’t com­plain be­cause we’re not mar­ried — then I can com­plain all I want.

–Iron Sushi

14-year-old girl to mom: If you had mar­ried that oth­er guy I would have been so much taller!

–70th & Lex

Over­heard by: Eve­lyn

Hobo to by­stander: You’re gonna mar­ry a woman and not know she’s a gov­ern­ment agent? How re­tard­ed can you get?!

–Queens-bound V train

Chick: What you’re say­ing is, he could­n’t af­ford the waste­bas­ket so he got a wife?

–140th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chub­by fin­gers… I’m still not go­ing to mar­ry him.

–97th & Broad­way

Pro­fes­sor: Will you mar­ry me?! Your fa­ther is dead!

–NYU

Or If We Were an Alien Race That Mat­ed Through Our Hands

Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: What we do is not dis­grace­ful. There’s noth­ing dis­grace­ful about you.
Tall thin man, with boom box in hand: No.
Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: There’s noth­ing dis­grace­ful about me.
Tall thin man: No.
Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: It’s the sin that’s dis­grace­ful. Us, hold­ing hands, how we show our love, that’s fine. It would be a whole dif­fer­ent sto­ry if I was­n’t mar­ried, but I am.

–Es­sex & De­lancey

Over­heard by: nb

With This ‘Ring’, I Thee Wed…

Guy: So how come we can’t try butt lov­ing?
Girl: I’m sav­ing it for my hus­band.
Guy: Are you se­ri­ous? That’s like so…Victorian of you.

–So­da Bar, Van­der­bilt Ave, Brook­lyn
Head­line by: ax­a­m­endes

Run­ners-Up:
· “Ac­tu­al­ly, It’s More Victor/Victorian.” — Faith
· “And Call­ing It ‘Butt Lov­ing’ Is­n’t?” — Ante K
· “Gives New Mean­ing to ‘Do You Have Price Al­bert in the Can?’ ” — Ly­dia
· “I Want a ‘Brown Wed­ding’ ” — clarence rosario
· “I’ll Even Show You My An­kles as I Give You a Rim Job” — sara swank
· “Jane Austen’s First Draft: ‘Read­er, I Butt Loved Him.’ ” — Sarah
· “Monogamy Is Such a Pain in the Ass” — Kar­likit­ten
· “Next, on the His­to­ry Chan­nel: Felch­ing Dur­ing the Reign of King Richard” — Matt
· “Vic­to­ri­ans Were So Anal!” — eighty4sapphire
· “Vir­gin­i­ty, Fudged” — Sara
· “Yeah, I Know, But It’s the On­ly Thing Left in My Dowry” — ile­manz­er

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