Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Did Chop Down That Cherry Tree

Well dressed party-goer: No, like, I went to Princeton -we lied all the time.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Cuny Graduate

Dude on cell: Okay… Great. Yeah. But I gotta go. My mom’s calling. [Hangs up, shoves phone in pocket.]

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Overheard by: Squiggs

Woman on cell: I just don’t understand why he got so freaked out about it. I said "I love you" -big fucking deal. That doesn’t mean anything. I could have been lying. I was lying, for Christ’s sake.

–L Train

Crazy hobo: Hillary Clinton is a liar, she lies. We’ve been married for 28 years and she won’t admit to it. Liar. Afraid of integration, that’s Hillary.

–E Train

Overheard by: Liz Beaux

Suit on cell to his wife: Yeah… Yeah… Oh, honey, I have to go, this is it, the train’s here. Bye! [Clicks over to the other line.] Hey buddy! How’s it going!

–125th St. Subway platform

Overheard by: EthanK

Twentysomething player on cell, picking fresh hairs off him : I feel you, I feel you, I can’t meet up with you now, I have to go to Forest Hills to get my haircut.

–N Train

Overheard by: john

Guy on cell: Most people lie to get out of jury duty and here I am being honest about NAMBLA.

–73rd & 2nd

Overheard by: melissa

Hope You Had a Happy Independence Day, NY

A couple watched the fireworks.

Wife: Oh my god! They was so close! I got ashes in my hair! Ashes in my face! They were all over the fucking place!
Husband: Too bad they weren’t shootin’ off corned beef!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Gurnsonian the Lesser

Guy: The smell of fireworks always reminds me of fucking a dead hooker.

–McCarren Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Dan

Stewardess: To all US citizens aboard this flight, happy 4th of July. We would like to thank England for divorcing us several centuries ago and giving us our independence!

–JFK flight into Heathrow

Overheard by: Jeanne Fu

Girl #1: Are you able to go on your roof to watch the Macy’s fireworks?
Girl #2: I don’t even know if my building has a roof.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Room 3

Girl on cell: How the hell am I supposed to know what time the fireworks start? Who do you think I am, America?

–Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Chris

It Would Probably Start to Grate

Girl #1: My husband had such a hair across his ass last night. He was getting on my last nerve.
Girl #2: “Hair across his ass”? What do you mean?
Girl #1: You’ve never heard that phrase before? “Hair across his ass”?
Girl #2: No, I haven’t. I don’t get it.
Girl #1: Well Jen, tell me, would you be happy if you had a hair going across your ass?

–Gray’s Papaya, 8th Avenue

Poli-Sci 101: Clintonian Etiquette

Columbia girl #1: So wait, he cheated on his mistress??
Columbia girl #2: Nooooo, he cheated on his wife with his mistress.
Columbia girl #1: Oh, I was confused.

–116th & Amsterdam
Headline by: nj2nc

Runners-Up:
· “And by ‘Confused’ I Mean Impressed” – colleen
· “Apparently, So Was the Admissions Staff” – goes to a better NY school
· “He Did Cheat on Both with a Hooker in Vegas, But That Stayed There.” – Deborah
· “It’s OK, Extra-Marital Affairs Is a 300-Level Course.” – Tyson Jurgens
· “It’s a Mobius Strip of Poon.” – prefekt
· “Just as Long as There Weren’t No Damn Queers Getting Hitched. That Would Ruin the Holy Union That Is Marriage.” – Colin McCleod
· “Most Likely to Transfer to a SUNY” – lascouine
· “Professor Giuliani Should Remove His Bio from the Syllabus” – Dave Ellis
· “Shouldn’t be. It’s How You Got into Columbia.” – abby
· “So How Did the Monkey Fit into All of This Again?” – Fleetline
· “You Better Start Learning the Difference If You’re Going to Get That MRS Degree” – SlickRicks
· “You Can’t Cheat on the People You Are Cheating on Your Wife With…It’s in the Bible.” – Sean
· “You’d Think the Concept of Cheating Would Be More Familiar at Columbia” – bri b

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Happens Sophomore Year for Most, But It’s Never Too Late

92-year-old mother-in-law: It’s a two girl wedding?
Daughter-in-law, passing by second reception hall: Yes, two women are having a wedding reception, they got married.
Mother in law, as she studies the two women: Well, that one [Points.] isn’t so bad. she could have gotten a man.
Daughter-in-law: She didn’t want a man. she’s attracted to women.
Mother in law: I never had a chance to try that.
[Then proceeds back and forth to the bathroom several times during reception, to check.]

–Wedding Reception, Essex House

Overheard by: bridesmaid

Marriage Requires a Different Kind of Acting

Little girl, holding Phantom Of The Opera playbill: Mommy, were those two people married?
Mother: What two people?
Little girl: Those two people who kissed.
Mother: No. Those were actors. They were just acting in a play.
Little girl: But then outside, I saw them hug.
Mother: I think they were just saying, “Good job.” That’s how they say, “Good job.”
Little girl: Well, I saw them kiss so they better have been married!

–LIRR train

Overheard by: sara swank

Wednesday One-Liners for Diane Keaton

Straight guy in hot pink underwear: Yeah, I've fallen asleep in deer stands, and all kinds of weird places.

–Gold's Gym, 54th St

Overheard by: Johnny V

Girl on cell: His hair is wiry and weird. He had a party and sold raffle tickets, the winner got to restyle his hair. He's weird.

–1 Train

Overheard by: whirlygirlie518

White teen girl to friends: No, no, no! I told you guys, if I marry a Japanese, then there's all that weird sex stuff. I'm marrying Korean. They're adorable, and don't have that weird communism thing the Chinese do.

–Chinatown

Girl from Nashville on cell: They serve like weird pasta here with weird vegetables and weird meat. My favorite meal here is breakfast. I am so ready to go home!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: D-Law

CNN Needs More Scratching and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, after watching Eliot Spitzer’s apology: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmhmm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it real.

–Edward R. Murrow High School