Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?
–A train
Overheard by: LSB
Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category
You’re Invited to My Circle Jerk
30-something #1: What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?
30-something #2: Getting high and masturbating.
30-something #1: Man, married life is great.
–Palladium Gym, NYU
Headline by: Pseudonym
Runners-Up:
· “Because she’s out shopping for a vibrator” — trish
· “He celebrates Palm Sunday the same way” — Kate
· “He’s An Up & Comer” — Rod W
· “Little Johnny took the comeback “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” a little too seriously.” — Cloud
· “When Harry Met Righty” — Vasyl
This Year Fellatio Is the New Black
Guy #1: What time are we going to beat off?
Guy #2: What, together? Midnight, of course!
Guy #1, exasperated: No, not together! That’s so last year!
–6th & 1st
Different Strokes for Different Wednesday One-Liners
Guy saying goodbye to lady friend: Then I masturbated, and rubbed this sandwich all over myself! (proceeds to rub sub sandwich over his chest)
–46th St & Broadway
Overheard by: James
Man to woman pushing stroller: That guy’s kid beats the meat all day long!
–66th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Wow.
Guy in trench coat: He masturbated the other day in order to expel…
–Union Square
Overheard by: Amused
Girl: You really need good hand-eye coordination to masturbate.
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Guy on phone: So, even though we’re not together anymore, you don’t want me seeing other people? (pause) What am I supposed to do? (pause) What do I need to use my hand for?
–White Plains Road
Overheard by: Chad
Like That Song “Beat Me Off Before You Go Go”
Construction worker #1: Yeah, she brought out the body oil and was rubbing it every! I was like “I don’t think I’m going to last too long now!“
Construction worker #2: That’s one of those dates where you really need to beat off before you go! You really gotta hit the testicles!
–42nd St & 8th Ave
He Totally Sucks
Teen boy #1: Okay, tell the truth. Have you ever tried to lick your own balls? I’ll be honest, I’ve tried.
Teen boy #2: I’ve thought about it, I just know I couldn’t do it.
–108th & Columbus
My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife.
–B train
Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff
Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.
–F train
Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!
–63rd & 3rd
Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”
–33rd & Park
Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.
–Park Slope
Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?
–55th & Madison
Overheard by: Matt
Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!
–Atlantic Avenue gas station
Overheard by: Megan
Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.
–Newark airport
Overheard by: jk
Eventually Monologues Become Dialogues
Girl #1: I love masturbating.
Girl #2: Yeah, I totally love touching my vagina!
–Sultana Hookah Bar
Overheard by: rich
How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?
Young man: You’re fat because you need to release. Look at me, that’s why I’m slim and sexy. I beat off every day.
–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.
–Henri Bendel
Overheard by: Stephan Dion
Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) …mostly.
–Fashion Institute of Technology
Suit to another: All I’m trying to say is, she’s not tall enough for her weight.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: ednapontellier
Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.
–Pizza Place, St. Mark’s Place
Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?
–Broadway & 50th St
Overheard by: Peter
Jelly Roll Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: … So she had sex with both Rush Limbaugh and Bernie Kerik? Ewww, I wouldn’t want to be her vagina!
–10 E 53rd St
Overheard by: I thought ewww, too
Fat latina: You mean it don’t shake and jump up and down? Girl, what kinda clit do you have?
–Stanton & Clinton
Old guy sweeping sidewalk: You won’t see me begging for no pussy. No way.
–118th & 5th
Overheard by: robin b
Girl in skirt to boy, both standing in the cold: If you could see my undercarriage right now you would see that it’s quivering.
–21st & Broadway
Guy on cell: Yeah, girl. Well, just wait, ’cause I’m gonna terrorize your pussy tonight.
–Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Peter Rice
Lesbian: … So I was like, ‘Fine, bitch. You can shove your own fucking fingers up your own fucking cooch. I’m going to put on my clothes and sit in the corner and change my Facebook status…’
–Restroom, Stuyvesant High School
Teen boy: I ate too much pussy. Now I have pussy poisoning.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: sara swank
