Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

How Many Weight Watch­ers Points Are in a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Young man: You’re fat be­cause you need to re­lease. Look at me, that’s why I’m slim and sexy. I beat off every day.

–Prospect Heights, Brook­lyn

Sales­girl to sales­girl friend: I wan­na thank you for tak­ing the time to re­peat­ed­ly hit me in my arm fat and make it jig­gle.

–Hen­ri Ben­del

Over­heard by: Stephan Dion

Pro­fes­sor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around class­room and no­tices there are some fat girls) …most­ly.

–Fash­ion In­sti­tute of Tech­nol­o­gy

Suit to an­oth­er: All I’m try­ing to say is, she’s not tall enough for her weight.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: ed­napon­tel­li­er

Black girl: Fat peo­ple can do splits be­cause they have no bones.

–Piz­za Place, St. Mark’s Place

Five-year-old to very over­weight man while wait­ing for Thanks­giv­ing Day pa­rade: Are you one of the bal­loons?

–Broad­way & 50th St

Over­heard by: Pe­ter

Jel­ly Roll Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Chick: … So she had sex with both Rush Lim­baugh and Bernie Kerik? Ewww, I would­n’t want to be her vagi­na!

–10 E 53rd St

Over­heard by: I thought ewww, too

Fat lati­na: You mean it don’t shake and jump up and down? Girl, what kin­da clit do you have?

–Stan­ton & Clin­ton

Old guy sweep­ing side­walk: You won’t see me beg­ging for no pussy. No way.

–118th & 5th

Over­heard by: robin b

Girl in skirt to boy, both stand­ing in the cold: If you could see my un­der­car­riage right now you would see that it’s quiv­er­ing.

–21st & Broad­way

Guy on cell: Yeah, girl. Well, just wait, ’cause I’m gonna ter­ror­ize your pussy tonight.

–Flat­bush Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pe­ter Rice

Les­bian: … So I was like, ‘Fine, bitch. You can shove your own fuck­ing fin­gers up your own fuck­ing cooch. I’m go­ing to put on my clothes and sit in the cor­ner and change my Face­book sta­tus…’

–Re­stroom, Stuyvesant High School

Teen boy: I ate too much pussy. Now I have pussy poi­son­ing.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: sara swank

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m se­ri­ous, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and mas­tur­bat­ing burns a lot of calo­ries, too.

–Brook­lyn

Very up­set drunk hobo, af­ter con­duc­tor an­nounces last stop: Your kickin’ all these peo­ple out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowl­ing Green Sta­tion

Street dancer: Every­one on earth was born as a re­sult of an or­gasm. Every­one mas­tur­bates. And if they say they don’t, they’re ly­ing. Even the Pope mas­tur­bates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throw­ing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Ass­hole mas­tur­bat­ed in my tea!

–Out­side Star­bucks

Teen thug: I wan­na plea­sure my­self while writ­ing an es­say, what’s the prob­lem with that?

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Robert G.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Wor­ry That Truck­er Hats May Be Out

Hip­ster girl: I hate it when ob­vi­ous­ly un­cool peo­ple wear flan­nel.

–E Train

Over­heard by: dru

Hip­ster girl: Shark Week is a week? It last­ed like a month last year.

–N 6th St, Williams­burg

Frumpy hip­ster: No! Hip­sters melt in the rain!

–Mc­Car­ren Park Pool, Green­point

Hip­ster on cell: No, I’ve nev­er heard of a noc­tur­nal squir­rel… Do you even… Wait, are you try­ing to tell me you’re gay?! No? Well, this is awk­ward…

–Cen­tral Park

Hip­ster guy to an­oth­er: Have you ever played with your­self un­der a black­light? There’s like all kinds of shit on your dick!

–Union Hall

Over­heard by: Cass

Frumpy mom, hold­ing up item for hip­ster tween daugh­ter: Cather­ine, is this iron­ic?

–Bea­con’s Clos­et, Williams­burg

Looks Like a Job for the Wednes­day One-Lin­er Whis­per­er

Ur­ban Tarzan: I grew up in a house of mon­keys. My moth­er was a mon­key, my fa­ther was a mon­key, my broth­er was a pig.

–Main St, Roo­sevelt Is­land

Over­heard by: king vol­cano

Cus­tomer on cell: Well, the kids fi­nal­ly found Grand­ma’s python.

–Dol­lar Store, Ful­ton St

Over­heard by: fi­at lux

Ge­nius: I re­al­ly can’t stand cats. They’re just fur­ry rats.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Woman: I feel so guilty when the cat catch­es me mas­tur­bat­ing.

–B&J Fab­rics, 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Sham­rock

Young man on cell: Wait. Are you talk­ing about what’s nor­mal for pen­guins or what’s nor­mal for four-year-olds?

–El­e­va­tor, Belle­vue Hos­pi­tal

Over­heard by: pa­tient

White teen: Turkeys are mad strong, you know that?

–Bleeck­er be­tween Lafayette & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Mid­dle-aged woman on cell: I have to get home to cook spaghet­ti for my cat.

–3rd Ave, be­tween 53rd & 54th

Oma­gah, It’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Gay man with a com­plete­ly se­ri­ous tone: It is go­ing to take a lot of brown­ie mix and a lot of sex ‑but I am com­mit­ted.

–W 52nd & 9th

Over­heard by: I wish I knew what they were speak­ing about

Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I got­ta go. I have a meet­ing in a lit­tle bit and I want to mas­tur­bate first.

–Wag­n­er Col­lege Din­ning Hall

Queer: Any­one can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an ex­it.

–Christo­pher Street

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Queer: And then I was so glad I mis­car­ried be­cause get­ting knocked up and be­ing preg­nant is like, such a has­sle!

–Sarah Lawrence Col­lege

Over­heard by: bit­ter­fame

Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out be­cause a cou­ple of bitchy fags sprayed you with al­co­hol?

–23rd & 7th

Black queer: My pil­low is Guc­ci! Raaaaaah! [He be­ings to at­tack peo­ple with said Guc­ci pil­low.]

–Pil­low Fight, Union Square

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was re­al­ly great meet­ing you all. You are such an in­ter­est­ing group of peo­ple. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo!

–Hol­ly­wood Din­er, 17th St & 6th Ave

Wednes­d­say Ca­nin­ers

Mid­dle-aged suit to an­oth­er: You def­i­nite­ly don’t want to be on the streets with three minia­ture Dachs­hunds on the loose.

–46th & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: alexan­der

Guy at din­ner with friends: No, slap­ping her ass is­n’t per­vert­ed, it’s just in­ap­pro­pri­ate. Per­vert­ed would be jerk­ing off on­to my dog’s face or some shit.

–23rd & 10th

Over­heard by: Matt

White gay man to an­oth­er: Every time I see a dog chained to a park­ing me­ter and the own­er is like in the store, it makes me want to call the NAACP.

–M7 Bus

Over­heard by: HarlemAll­Day

Ghet­to woman on cell: A Mal­tese dog. A Mal­tese! (pause) One of them lit­tle dogs that don’t nev­er grow.

–27th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Flam­boy­ant gay man to cou­ple push­ing bull­dog in stroller: Oh my god! Your dog ate your ba­by!

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Sarah