Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category

Oma­gah, It’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Gay man with a com­plete­ly se­ri­ous tone: It is go­ing to take a lot of brown­ie mix and a lot of sex ‑but I am com­mit­ted.

–W 52nd & 9th

Over­heard by: I wish I knew what they were speak­ing about

Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I got­ta go. I have a meet­ing in a lit­tle bit and I want to mas­tur­bate first.

–Wag­n­er Col­lege Din­ning Hall

Queer: Any­one can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an ex­it.

–Christo­pher Street

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Queer: And then I was so glad I mis­car­ried be­cause get­ting knocked up and be­ing preg­nant is like, such a has­sle!

–Sarah Lawrence Col­lege

Over­heard by: bit­ter­fame

Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out be­cause a cou­ple of bitchy fags sprayed you with al­co­hol?

–23rd & 7th

Black queer: My pil­low is Guc­ci! Raaaaaah! [He be­ings to at­tack peo­ple with said Guc­ci pil­low.]

–Pil­low Fight, Union Square

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was re­al­ly great meet­ing you all. You are such an in­ter­est­ing group of peo­ple. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo!

–Hol­ly­wood Din­er, 17th St & 6th Ave

Wednes­d­say Ca­nin­ers

Mid­dle-aged suit to an­oth­er: You def­i­nite­ly don’t want to be on the streets with three minia­ture Dachs­hunds on the loose.

–46th & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: alexan­der

Guy at din­ner with friends: No, slap­ping her ass is­n’t per­vert­ed, it’s just in­ap­pro­pri­ate. Per­vert­ed would be jerk­ing off on­to my dog’s face or some shit.

–23rd & 10th

Over­heard by: Matt

White gay man to an­oth­er: Every time I see a dog chained to a park­ing me­ter and the own­er is like in the store, it makes me want to call the NAACP.

–M7 Bus

Over­heard by: HarlemAll­Day

Ghet­to woman on cell: A Mal­tese dog. A Mal­tese! (pause) One of them lit­tle dogs that don’t nev­er grow.

–27th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Flam­boy­ant gay man to cou­ple push­ing bull­dog in stroller: Oh my god! Your dog ate your ba­by!


Over­heard by: Sarah

As Op­posed to the “Fuck Me Gen­tly Lat­er” Way

Girl: …yeah, I can’t wait. He is kin­da cute.
Guy: Oh yeah?
Girl: Yeah, in a sort of “fuck me hard, fuck me now” kind of way. But that’s what I’m look­ing for right now.

20 min. lat­er:

Guy: I re­al­ly like him. He is a good guy.
Girl: He’s an al­co­holic and in­sane! He’s great though, I like him too.

–2 train

Chick: I just have to go home and mas­tur­bate tonight. An or­gasm would feel so good right now.

–42nd Street sta­tion

Over­heard by: The Orig­i­nal Dan­ger

You Think You’re Sick, and Then New York Shows You What ‘Sick’ Re­al­ly Means

Guy: Is it just me, or does be­ing sick make you re­al­ly horny?
Girl: I’m pret­ty sure it’s just you.
Guy: Oh. Well that may be be­cause I’m just re­al­ly horny all the time.
Girl: Then get away from me and watch some pornos.
Guy: I don’t think that’s the rem­e­dy I had in mind.
Ran­dom guy: There’s no shame in mas­tur­bat­ing, my brotha. It’s to­tal­ly nat­ur­al. Hell, I do it all the time. I just did it five min­utes ago in the Star­bucks bath­room.
Girl: Run!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: was on my way to Star­bucks un­til I heard this!

He’ll Be Hap­py to Share Some WD-40 Mem­o­ries with You, Though

Prep­py guy #1: I hate geese shit on fields.
Prep­py guy #2: It’s not so bad. It’s a good lu­bri­cant for when you slide-tack­le peo­ple. You know, you just keep slid­ing…
Prep­py guy #3: Dude, I can’t re­mem­ber the last time I jerked off us­ing geese shit. It can’t be that good a lu­bri­cant!

–Cen­tral Park

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Al­ways PC

Young teen girl: I’ve done cy­ber­sex so of­ten I for­got how to type with two hands.

–A Train

Suit on cell: I have noth­ing to blog about. I have noth­ing to video blog about. Man, yes­ter­day I had to force my­self to tweet!

–Up­town 4 Train

Over­heard by: cow­girly

Girl sell­ing peach­es to an­oth­er: Yeah, my dad was so un­sym­pa­thet­ic when I told him my com­put­er crashed that I went straight to the Ap­ple store and charged a new hard dri­ve to his cred­it card. I was re­al­ly proud of my­self.

–Fort Greene Farm­ers Mar­ket

Over­heard by: Morn­ing Glo­ry

Teenage girl to friend: I don’t see why we’re even here. We could see all this stuff on the in­ter­net for free.

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: Derek