Archive for the ‘Meatheads’ Category

Take Me Out to the Wednes­day One-Lin­er Game

Drunk NYU dude: You guys know that loose skin around your shaft or what­ev­er? Push it over the tip of your dick. It feels like you have three balls. Three balls! Fuck­ing sweet!

–NYU

Over­heard by: Quip­py Pasqual

Dude: I swear to god dude, I can feel my balls mov­ing from side to side to­day!

–5th Ave

Hip­ster girl: Balls have no place in my mouth. Gum, chick­en, or any oth­er kind.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Teabag

Loud fat black chick : I wan­na kiss the balls of the per­son who made these cook­ies.

–Broad­way

Over­heard by: sounds yum­my

Meat­head on cell: I got some good shit for you for the gym. Shoot this shit in your ass three times a week and you’ll look like The In­cred­i­ble Hulk in no time… I can’t be­lieve you’re do­ing all this stuff to im­press your wife. We’ll see how im­pressed she is when you don’t have any balls any­more be­cause you’re on steroids. Who knows, maybe she’ll start fuck­ing me in­stead.

–48th & 8th

Over­heard by: vicky

Guy on phone: I know clas­si­cal mu­sic well enough to know that Vi­val­di had no balls.

–42nd St & 10th Ave

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Great for Bach­e­lor Par­ties!

16-year-old girl on cell: So like, for Hal­loween my mom told me about this strip club we could go to…

–110th & Cen­tral Park West

Over­heard by: so­phie Balis-Har­ris

Drunk stum­bling Yan­kee meat­head to fel­low meat­heads: Yo! Let’s get some fuck­ing strip­pers! I don’t give a fuck about my girl­friend! (paus­es and looks around) If I drop any more beer on this woman… (spills half his cup on her back) Ah, fuck.

–Yan­kee Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: seat 12 sec­tion 23

20-some­thing woman on cell: What, you had sex with that strip­per?!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Liz

Drunk suit: Yeah…we did it up fo’ my son’s 18th birf­day. He be grad­u­atin and all this year, so we sprung fo’ a strip­per.

–Q67 Bus

Over­heard by: Kate

Teen scream­ing in­to cell: Strip­per. (pause) No, strip­per!

–Lit­tle Italy

You Can Be No Hap­pi­er Than the Least-Hap­py Per­son in the Bed

Sad-look­ing tiny girl­friend: This was just an aw­ful shift and an aw­ful day.
Meat­head boyfriend. try­ing to cheer her up: Do you want me to sing the sleepy time song?
Sad-look­ing tiny girl­friend: No. I just want to drink.
Meat­head boyfriend: I have Jack at home.
Sad-look­ing tiny girl­friend: Fuck Jack, I need fuck­ing tequi­la!
Meat­head boyfriend: No! You’re mean when you have tequi­la!
Sad-look­ing tiny girl­friend: I’m go­ing to be mean­er than I am now if I don’t get tequi­la!
Meat­head boyfriend: Okay, I’ll get a bot­tle.

–A Train

Trans­ves­tite

(cou­ple en­ters el­e­va­tor, mak­ing out and grop­ing each oth­er as they en­ter)
Meat­head boyfriend to se­mi-at­trac­tive girl­friend: Are they go­ing to make me sign out and then sign in when we get back?
Se­mi-at­trac­tive girl­friend: I’m not sure, I think prob­a­bly.
Meat­head boyfriend: Well, if it helps keep you safe…
Se­mi-at­trac­tive girl­friend: Speak­ing of safe, I think I have an­oth­er stalk­er. But this time, he’s 6′3″, 230 pounds, and a fire­man.

–Co­lum­bia Dorm

Over­heard by: Z

Wednes­day One-Lin­er Is Per­for­mance

20-some­thing woman on cell: So I’m like, “Be a man and go in the ladies’ room!”

–19th & 7th

Over­heard by: ty­cho anom­aly

40-some­thing suit on cell: Why do I have to be the girl?

–Uni­ver­si­ty Place & 14th St

Over­heard by: rich

Meat­head: To the point where the hottest women in Thai­land are men. But I mean, no ho­mo or any­thing.

–Up­town 5 Train

Over­heard by: Can’t vouch for this

Woman on cell: So yeah, men and women are dif­fer­ent. Any­way…

–High Line Park

Over­heard by: hud­son williams-eynon

Guy, look­ing at friend’s iPhone: Ugh, I re­al­ly did­n’t need to see she­male pe­nis to­day.

–99 Be­low Restau­rant

Over­heard by: Calvin SC

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Raise the Roofie

Woman on phone: Mom­my, how many peo­ple do you know who have been raped as much as her? None, ex­act­ly!

–Mid­town East

Over­heard by: dtrain

Woman on cell: And I did­n’t get raped on the sub­way to­day! It’s al­ways a good day when I don’t get raped.

–6th Ave & 10th St

Over­heard by: that’s al­ways good

Teen meat­head on cell: Wait what? I can’t re­al­ly hear you. (pause) You got raped? Wait… phys­i­cal­ly or emo­tion­al­ly? (pause) Both? Shit.

–Amer­i­can Ea­gle Dress­ing Room

Over­heard by: Alyssa

Col­lege bro to friend: Nah, dude, it’s even bet­ter than a date rape drug!

–East Vil­lage

Girl: There are some girls who he would be more like­ly to rape. She’s not one of them.

–Gra­ham Ave