Archive for the ‘Medical Workers’ Category

He Said It with an Omi­nous Voice and a Mr. Burns Fin­ger-Touch

El­der­ly woman on stretch­er: Is the am­bu­lance heat­ed?
Han­dle­bar-mus­tached am­bu­lance dri­ver: Yes.
El­der­ly woman on stretch­er: I’m gonna freeze to death.
Han­dle­bar-mus­tached am­bu­lance dri­ver (smil­ing, ten­der­ly): No, you’re gonna sweat to death.

–63rd b/w Park & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Paul Tabach­neck

Tonight on E!: Rap­per 50 Cen­t’s Giv­en Name, Re­vealed

Nurse #1: I know, I still can’t be­lieve she signed that name on the birth cer­tifi­cate.
Doc­tor: What name?
Nurse #2: When Dr. Smith* de­liv­ered the af­ter­birth, this mom said, ‘Oh my god, what is that?’ and Dr. Smith said, ‘That’s the pla­cen­ta.‘
Nurse #1: Yeah, and then the freakin’ id­iot says, ‘That’s the most beau­ti­ful name I ever heard! I’m gonna name my ba­by Pla­cen­ta.‘
Doc­tor: No, don’t tell me–
Nurse #2: Yep.
Doc­tor: I’m sor­ry I asked.

–Hos­pi­tal cafe­te­ria

Over­heard by: 2nd time gram­ma

Lucky His Mit­tens are Pinned to His Jack­et

Health ser­vices as­sis­tant: Can I help you?
20-some­thing male: Yeah, okay. See, so I woke up in a hos­pi­tal this morn­ing, and I have no idea how I got there, and I can’t find my Co­lum­bia ID card and so I can’t get back in the dorm.
Health ser­vices as­sis­tant: Um…
20-some­thing male: My wal­let had every­thing left in it ex­cept my ID card. I asked all over the hos­pi­tal and no one knows where my ID card is. I asked every­where.
Health ser­vices man­ag­er: Which hos­pi­tal? St. Vin­cen­t’s?
20-some­thing male: Yeah, St. Vin­cen­t’s.
Health ser­vices man­ag­er: Do you know who brought you there?
20-some­thing male: No, I have no idea how I got there.
Health ser­vices man­ag­er: Um… So how can I help you?
20-some­thing male: How can I find my ID card?
Health ser­vices man­ag­er: Maybe check with the Lost and Found at the hos­pi­tal, or go to ID ser­vices and see if some­one turned it in.
20-some­thing male: Okay. Thanks. Bye.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Ur­gent Care Clin­ic

Af­ter Five Min­utes of Me, You Are Go­ing to Want to Change the Chan­nel

His­pan­ic male hos­pi­tal work­er: You know what women hate? When men take for­ev­er and a day to fin­ish. Let’s say the av­er­age woman likes five min­utes of sex, but he keeps go­ing and go­ing and thir­ty min­utes lat­er she’s think­ing, ‘Hey, let’s watch TV.‘
In­di­an vir­gin hos­pi­tal work­er: We on­ly like it for five min­utes?

–Star­bucks, 17th & 1st

‘Cause, Baby…You’s a Heart­break­er

Young man, af­ter un­suc­cess­ful­ly hit­ting on young woman: Yo, a nurse’s job is to take care of the pa­tients.
Young woman: Mmm hmm.
Young man: Yo, but I’­ma be a nurse prac­ti­tion­er. They do the same thing doc­tors do.
Young woman: Oh?
Young man: I could per­form heart surgery on you. Not legal­ly. But I could do it.

–4 train, 2:30 AM

Over­heard by: Bran­don

…And Added Some Strych­nine To Her Birth Con­trol Pills

Phar­ma­cist: You should prob­a­bly re-sign your card.
Woman: Why?
Phar­ma­cist: Well, you signed over the mag­net­ic strip. You’re sup­posed to sign over the white part down here.
Woman: Then how would the ma­chine read my sig­na­ture? That does­n’t make any sense.
Phar­ma­cist: No, it’s a mag­net­ic strip. It reads the in­for­ma­tion, not the sig­na­ture.
Woman: I don’t think you know what you’re talk­ing about. That’s not how the ma­chines work. You’re a phar­ma­cist, not an elec­tri­cian.

Then the phar­ma­cist gave up.

–Zit­o­mer, 76th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: He­le­na