Archive for the ‘Medicine’ Category

High-Motility Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: Skeet is when a man pulls out of the vagina or anus and has an orgasm on the man or woman. It’s also come to refer to the ejaculate itself.

–NYU classroom

Woman on cell: Nice. I just realized I’ve been wandering around with doughnut glaze stuck to my cheek like dried cum.

–44th & 8th

Sex ed teacher: The penis can’t urinate and, um, spermate at the same time.

–Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope

Overheard by: i believe it’s ejaculate

Man on cell: I hired you to be a fucking porn director, not to make some artsy documentary! I mean, she’s supposed to get that on her face!

–Times Square

Woman to her Grizzly Adams-like companion: But, honey, you don’t have any sperm!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy on cell: Yeah, I called the sperm bank and told them your test came back positive… Yeah, they said it was no big deal.

–114th & Amsterdam

Dude on cell: I just ordered some soup and am drinking tea, so we’re on the same page. Except about cum, it seems.

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Argopelter

Someone Get Him a Manpon, STAT!

Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.

–4 train

Overheard by: Anna

The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That’s how scared he was.

–107th & Broadway

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that’s totally worse than them biting you.

–Majestic Theater

Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Overheard by: Todd Fletcher

Girl on cell: No, you can’t go! I’m too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Supermarket, Astoria

Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Alex

Medsday One-Liners

Radiology nurse: I have been asked out before. But never while giving a barium enema!

–Radiology Medical Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paper

Doctor on cell: I have to get oriented as to the location of those cadavers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabrini Medical Center

Older doctor to younger doctor in a group: You actually tried to get a dermatology consultant to come in the middle of the night? That was pretty dumb. You know those guys wouldn’t get out of their Shea butter body wraps unless the world was ending.

–Kings County Emergency Room

Suit to lady friend: If you really wanted to smoke crack you’d go to the hospital!

–Nassau St & Ann St

Overweight girl to female friend: Wanna play gynecologist?

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

And Who Are You?

College student #1, with Brooklyn meets Boston mystery accent: My uncle is a doctor. Well, he’s like a doctor. I mean he works in a hospital, but you know, once you work in a hospital for 15 years you might as well be a doctor cause you know it all by then, anyway. Well, he says that food comas are real. Yeah, you know, it’s like the cyanide in the turkey or something.
College student #2: I have no idea what you are talking about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dara

Wednesday Accidentally Leaves a Sponge in the One-Liner

Woman: I told him I wasn’t opposed to dinner just because he’s had a vasectomy.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Preppy guy: They took cartilage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

UES woman: I’m going to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Overheard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it removed
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–Elevator in the Hudson Hotel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay — it’s just routine anal surgery!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Tam