Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Tend to Ram­ble On

Old man at the bar: Every­day that I wake up and see that my name is­n’t in the obit­u­ar­ies is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Old­er woman, to friend: Then we’re go­ing to have to do the sun­tan lo­tion thing, and that’s go­ing to be a night­mare.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old peo­ple on this train. I bet they’re all wish­ing they were our age again. Suck­ers!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Old la­dy, to man play­ing steel drums as she dances along to the mu­sic: Shalom! That was awe­some, my man!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

El­der­ly woman to el­der­ly friends: So then Andy comes down in his biki­ni, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old la­dy look­ing in­to fan­cy cafe: An­oth­er shit­hole!

–74th near Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Old la­dy: Geral­dine, do you want to come up lat­er and play… With my wire­less router!

–Clark & Herny

Over­heard by: Lacy

Trans­la­tion: “God, I Need a Woman.”

Man: Yeah, my moth­er raised me right. I make sure I eat break­fast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sar­dines and grits every day.
Woman: Sar­dines?
Man: Hell, yes. Some­times I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don’t mat­ter if they just ate or noth­ing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usu­al­ly give them a lit­tle of what­ev­er I cook. You know, and then they ei­ther eat it or they don’t. They like turn their heads away if they don’t like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.

–B26 Bus, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

A Smor­gash­board Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman to man: I know! I don’t fry any­thing. I don’t even fry my food any­more.

–47th & 6th

Over­heard by: A very dis­turbed News­bun­ny

Old Jew­ish woman to hus­band hold­ing restau­rant left­overs: It’s a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Is­rael!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: What a waste!

Prep­py guy: At least *I’m* not the one mo­lest­ing fic­tion­al ce­re­al pitch­men.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl on cell, talk­ing loud­ly: I don’t know what I want, but what­ev­er I want, I want French fries with it.

–John St

Prep­py girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?

–Times Square

Fe­male new stu­dent to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole bur­ri­to-is-a-dick thing.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Over­heard by: Catie

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Mid­dle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Pros­ti­tute: Don’t wor­ry, I nev­er have.

–81st & Am­s­ter­dam
Head­line by: Sean

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — In­g­wall
· “Any Ex­tra Charge For the Lip Ser­vice?” — Hobo Whis­per­er
· “He Was Look­ing For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Pun­ished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Con­dom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Con­sid­ered ‘Mid­dle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Par­ents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Con­dom. She’s Been Test­ed, Too” — Andy Adele­witz
· “Take Your Fa­ther to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath

Hon­or­able men­tions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Pub­lic)” — Heather
· “They Were Talk­ing About Their Braces.” — Al­li­son

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