Archive for the ‘Metrosexuals’ Category

Booty­li­cious Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the sec­ond-biggest butt! Se­ri­ous­ly, what is wrong with them?

–6th Ave & 12th

Woman get­ting on a crowd­ed train, look­ing for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of be­hinds on this train!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Some be­hind lucky enough to find a seat.

Thug to an­oth­er: Af­ter I wipe his ass, I’m gonna beat his ass!

–86th & Park Ave

Woman on cell: So, what are you go­ing to tell him? “Sor­ry, I can’t mar­ry you–your ass is bro­ken”?

–1st & 23

Teen to friend: Why did­n’t he use a ten­nis rack­et? It would have left that waf­fle fry look on your ass.

–Bus to Penn Sta­tion

Skip­ping tween girl to met­ro­sex­u­al fa­ther: I’ve seen your butt, you know!

–72nd & Lex­ing­ton Ave

Over­heard by: Shan­non

The Waste­land Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy to se­cu­ri­ty guard: We’re not fuck­ing tourists, man, we’re just try­ing to get back to our home in Jer­sey.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Met­ro­sex­u­al guy: There are two kinds of peo­ple I will nev­er, ever, date. One are peo­ple who are cul­tur­al­ly ig­no­rant. The sec­ond is peo­ple from New Jer­sey.

–45th & 5th

Over­heard by: Mr. Pink

Prop­er British woman to loud drunk guy: Go back to Jer­sey!

–BB King Con­cert, Christ Unit­ed Church

Over­heard by: bb

Up­tight 40-some­thing white guy: I can’t wait to get safe­ly back in New Jer­sey!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Josh­Bob

It’s Too Hard Pre­tend­ing to Be Who I Al­ready Am

Met­ro­sex­u­al: Have you gone to that hair sa­lon I told you about?
Scruffy artist: I walked by…
Met­ro­sex­u­al: It’s beau­ti­ful.
Scruffy artist: I can’t go in. It’s too hip­ster.
Met­ro­sex­u­al: No! It’s an­ti-hip­ster.
Scruffy artist: Well, I can’t do the cul­tur­al math.

–Ft Greene apart­ment build­ing lob­by

How Copy Ed­i­tors Blow Off Steam

Met­ro­sex­u­al guy: If I was some fish…
Girl, not look­ing up from her bus sched­ule: Gram­mar just cried.
Met­ro­sex­u­al guy: I don’t fol­low you.
Girl: Good, be­cause if you did, I would have to have you ar­rest­ed.
Met­ro­sex­u­al guy: I am so con­fused.
Girl: Do the words ‘you are an id­iot’ con­fuse you?
Met­ro­sex­u­al guy: I hate you.

–28th & 5th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Re­mem­ber When It Just Meant “Hap­py?”

Drunk queer: I am not gay! Just re­mind me of that lat­er.


Over­heard by: un­in­vit­ed par­ty guest

Lem­ming: Are we still fol­low­ing the Gay­lords or are we be­com­ing In­de­pen­dent?

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Col­le­giate Cutie

Mid­west­ern­er: I had a dream that I had a lot of fun­ny fag­got friends. It was so much fun! Then I woke up.


Met­ro­sex­u­al: So, I’m think­ing of be­com­ing gay. What about you? Are you still gay?

–35th & Broad­way

Chick on cell: I mean, when it’s just the two of us, he’s re­al­ly gay — and I’m talk­ing gay­er than you — and frankly, that’s gay… And I don’t un­der­stand why he can’t just be that gay on stage… So hey, did you hear about that plane crash? Yeah… yeah… yeah, New York­ers are re­al­ly sen­si­tive to planes crash­ing in­to build­ings — some­thing must have hap­pened a while ago or some­thing… Yeah, so I think I’m go­ing to have sex with that guy from Craigslist… Al­though, he is ten years old­er than me, so if he’s look­ing for com­mit­ment he can have sex with me while he’s look­ing… It is not trashy — you can’t do any­thing trashy in your ear­ly 20s. I still have four more years un­til I have to even start think­ing about be­ing too trashy… Hey, can I call you back? I have to call my mom.

–10 ex­press bus

French woman: So this Gay­dar… It is like a radar? For the gays?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

Lati­na on cell: I’ll fuck­ing kill him. I will. I’ll fuck­ing kill him. I don’t know. No. He’s not. I just hate it that he thinks he can treat you like that. I mean, I’ll fuck­ing kill him even though he’s a man, you know? I’ll fuck­ing walk up to him and, like, stab him or some­thing. Fuck yeah, I got a knife. I mean, maybe he’s gay, though. That must be it. He’s gay. No, no, no. He’s gay.. He has to be. No, I know he is. It’s a fact. That’s the on­ly thing that makes sense, right? I mean, what oth­er op­tion is there?

–Gra­ham Ave, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Fol­low­ing Qui­et­ly Be­hind