Archive for the ‘Mets’ Category

There’s No Cry­ing in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Con­duc­tor: This is Wil­lets Point/Shea Sta­di­um. You know, home of the oth­er team. (pas­sen­gers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one re­al­ly likes the Mets. Any­hoo, have a nice day, every­one. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors.

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Kris­ten

20-some­thing guy wear­ing Red Sox hat to girl­friend: There’s no way we can have kids in New York. They’d be go­ing to school with a bunch of brain­washed Yan­kee fan off­spring, and every night we’d have to be telling them bed­time sto­ries that end with “and they all lived hap­pi­ly every af­ter, ex­cept for Derek Jeter, be­cause he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole.”

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I’m from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It’s hard be­ing a Yan­kees fan sur­round­ed by fuck­ing Red Sox fans. I can’t do it any­more.

–L Train

Over­heard by: I agree…

Sub­way con­duc­tor: Yan­kees fans. This is a Bronx-bound ex­press D. This will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. Trans­fer at the next sta­tion to the B. (20 min­utes lat­er) Yan­kees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. You can trans­fer to the B at the next sta­tion. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-some­thing moth­er to an­oth­er, try­ing hard to look knowl­edge­able: The Yan­kees and Mets are play­ing two games to­day, the first at Yan­kee sta­di­um and the sec­ond at Fen­way, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & No­ble Cafe

Woman in Je­sus t‑shirt: Je­sus hates the Yan­kees.

–Up­town C Train

Over­heard by: Pen­ny

Con­duc­tor to packed train: At­ten­tion, at­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. To all Yan­kee fans on this train, please have a safe day to­day, and en­joy the game. Per­son­al­ly, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Up­town 4 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Love Drunk Talk

Drunk girl with tin­sel in her hair: Al­right, so why is in my his­to­ry that it says “”?

–Star­bucks, Sheri­dan Square

Drunk guy: The Amazins? Fuck them! The on­ly amazin’ thing about them is they nev­er fuck­ing win…

–Down­town 6 Train

Drunk man at 1:30 am: Vagi­na bar!

–49th St, As­to­ria

Drunk girl­friend to even drunk­er boyfriend: Ohmigod! I have to get up in five hours and teach!

–116th St

Grand Slam Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Man sell­ing CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my al­bum!

–8th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: nicole

Mets fan: I don’t care if I have one lung, or on­ly have half a pan­creas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I’m good to go.

–7 train

Ass­hole, point­ing to guy with Red Sox bumper stick­er on his wheel­chair: He’s a Boston fan; let’s kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.

–126th & St Nick

Con­duc­tor, on PA: That John­ny Da­mon. He sure looks like Je­sus. But he sure throws like my lit­tle sis­ter.

–Am­trak train out of Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Lisi­ta

MTA work­er: All peo­ple for the Mets game, go to your right. All peo­ple for the US Open, if any, go to your left.

–Wil­lets Point-Shea Sta­di­um sub­way sta­tion

Over­heard by: Emi­ly

Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show busi­ness, I will not speak to Ben Af­fleck. When I found out he’s a Red Sox fan, I de­cid­ed then and there.

–Q65 bus

Over­heard by: A White Bear

Con­duc­tor: 161st Street, Yan­kee Sta­di­um. Let Big Pa­pi know who the re­al MVP is.

–D train

Over­heard by: Lind­say J.

Don’t Hate the Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Hate the Game

(a pi­geon flies up to a ram­bling bike mes­sen­ger)
Bike mes­sen­ger: Hey, bird. Whad­da ya say? How you do­ing? You play base­ball? What po­si­tion? First base? Third? Catch­er?

–47th & Madi­son

Ditzy teen on cell: Why can’t they, like, have two foot­balls in­stead so both teams could score?

–Doc­tor’s Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Robert Gley­ber­man

Pro­fes­sor: Did I tell you guys I’m get­ting in­to pro­fes­sion­al wrestling?

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Did­n’t want the de­tails

Guy to an­oth­er, scream­ing at the top of his lungs: It’s fuck­ing field hock­ey! It’s a girl’s sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Scott Ju­rkows­ki

Train con­duc­tor, an­nounc­ing stop: Wil­lets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *oth­er* team.

–Wil­lets Point, Queens

Over­heard by: Ran­dom Asian Chick

Well Met on Open­ing Day

Guy on cell: Hey, what’s up?…I’m at the Met game…The Mets are up 2 to 1, but Wash­ing­ton has 2 men on and no­body out…Two-one. No outs.
Guy #2: There’s one out.
Guy on cell: Oh, sor­ry. One out. We’ve been here since 8 and I’ve been drink­ing since 8:30. I’m wasted…Listen, Ma, I got­ta go, I’m miss­ing the game.

He hangs up.

Guy #1: My moth­er calls to get the score. Turn on the ra­dio!

–Shea Sta­di­um

Dude: Hey, Car­los! Steal sec­ond, I won’t tell any­body!

–Shea Sta­di­um

Dude: Get off your knees; you’re blow­ing the game!

–Shea Sta­di­um

Those SOBs Prob­a­bly Had It Com­ing

Guy #1: Well, you know, I am a Mets fan.
Guy #2: Dude, then you’re okay in my book. You could mur­der pup­pies and that’s okay so long as you’re a Mets fan!
Guy #3: Um, he does.
Guy #2: Ex­act­ly! You can to­tal­ly mur­der pup­pies if you’re a Mets fan!
Guy #3: No, he re­al­ly does.
Guy #2: To­tal­ly!
Guy #3: He’s a vet.
Guy #1: I am.

–Par­ty, 74th & 1st

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need Ex­tra Sup­port

Woman on cell: He al­ready start­ed call­ing me ‘boo­bie’ so we did it last night.

–33rd St sta­tion

Queer: I’m so sick of her and her breasts!

–W 4th St sub­way

Over­heard by: Jessie

Teen boy, walk­ing in­to woman and child: Oh, sor­ry, my fault… [To his girl­friend:] See what yo’ tit­ties got me in­to!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Drunk bim­bette: I’m so glad I have tits. I don’t know what I would do if I were a man. I call it the pow­er of the oys­ter.

–Cro­ton-Har­mon line to Man­hat­tan

Over­heard by: Evan

Drunk woman: I got ketchup on my boob and I did­n’t even eat any­thing!

–Yan­kee Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Ryan

Drunk frat­boy: Show your boo­bies if you love the Mets! Nu­di­ty for the Mets! Nu­di­ty for the Mets!

–Man­hat­tan bound 7 train

Over­heard by: lets go mets