Middle-aged man at the Minneapolis airport: “When Minnesota first got the lotto, they had the scratch-off lottery cards. I waited on line in a corner store, and the clerk asked me if I wanted to buy one and I said, ‘No. I do not play the lottery.’ The person behind me, as I was leaving, bought a ticket and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, ‘See, you should have bought a ticket!’ and I said to her, ‘No, I’m glad I didn’t. Because I don’t play the lottery.’ ”
Midwestern child: Daddy, what’s that candle thing?
Midwestern father: It’s called a menorah. They use it on Jewish Christmas.
–Spamalot, Shubert Theatre, W 44th St
Hipster to 50-something tourist who is blocking the way: Hey, lady, where you from?
Woman, proudly: Kansas.
Hipster: Well, Dorothy, this is not Kansas. This is Times Square, New York City, now get the fuck out of the way! (crowd cheers)
Overheard by: G‑man
Tour guide: The school campus has been in many film and television productions, including The Good Shepherd, Law and Order, and most notably the classic Debbie Does Dallas.
Big Midwestern dad: I thought I recognized that library!
–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PrattStudent09
Midwestern tourist: Is she Spanish or retarded?
New Yorker: Retarded.
–19th St & 8th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Danny
Midwestern girl: Man, New York stinks! “How was your trip to New York?” “It stinks!”
New York lady: Why don’t you go back to where you came from, then?
Obese Midwestern tourist: So are we gonna go get that falafel thing?
Other Midwestern tourist: Well, if we’re gonna go to Hooters we don’t need to get the falafel thing.
Obese Midwestern tourist: Why not? I could eat both.
Other Midwestern tourist: Do you know what a falafel thing is?
Obese Midwestern tourist: It’s like ice cream.
Other Midwestern tourist: Oh, really? I thought that was gelato.
Obese Midwestern tourist: No, dumbass.
Other Midwestern tourist: Okay, well I guess you’d know…
Overheard by: Caitlin
Mid-western mother to suit crossing against light: Excuse me, sir?
Suit, in mid-intersection: Yes?
Mother: You’re setting a bad example for my daughter ‑crossing against the light.
Suit, continuing on his way: Yes, I am.
–45th & 5th
Woman: And you are not a lesbian either! You are only gay on weekends.
Overheard by: Adam Bozarth
Teen girl: I know Jimmy’s not gay because he stole my girlfriend.
Preacher: Mark my words–by sunrise you will be smothered in lesbians.
–53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Kaleena
Thoughtful guy: I always thought that if I were gay I’d be the manlier one. But now that I think about it I’d want to be the girly one for all the free stuff.
–26th & 1st
Overheard by: Charles
Guy on cell: Wait…Christ! It’s gayer than three snaps in Z formation in here.
–The Hangar, Christopher St
Overheard by: TK
Midwestern guy: That is complete bullshit! How do you make a dog gay?
Teen girl: It’s funny talking to him now. I mean, in the eighth grade we knew he was gay, but not take-it-up-the-butt gay.
–Uptown 1 train
Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?
Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that’s what you get for trying to be a hipster!
–Union Square Park
Overheard by: j
Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It’s huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)
Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee’s… Now I feel at home here!
Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.
Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.
–Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones
Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen