Mother: Did you read that psychology literature I picked up for you?
Daughter: No. You know I want to become a teacher!
Mother: I don’t know why. You hate children!
–Peter Cooper Village
Overheard by: timbale
Archive for the ‘Moms’ Category
The Coppertone Girl’s Mom Knew a Moneymaker When She Saw One
Mother: Do you sell M&M booty shorts for little girls?
Cashier: Um… No.
Mother: Oh well… thank you.
–M&M’s World
It’s the Official Restaurant of Hell
Little boy: Do kids go to jail?
Mom: No, kids don’t go to jail.
Little boy: What if they kill someone?
Mom: Well, when kids are real bad, sometimes they go to juvenile, which is a sad place where they don’t let you do things you want.
Little boy: And they don’t feed you!!
Mom: Well, no, the kids there get fed. But maybe the food isn’t very good.
Little boy, to himself: They feed you McDonald’s. Because McDonald’s is bad for you.
–Downtown 1 train, 50th St
Overheard by: riding the train
And That Turd Looks a Lot More Like St. Ignatius
Little boy: I see Jesus, I see Jesus!!
Mother, pulling on little boys arm: Stop using that word, Billy!
–Ladies Room, Brooklyn Restaurant
Preferably with Uprooted Oaks, although Maples Usually Get the Message Across
Young mom to disabled son: I do everything for you — I move trees for you, and then you fuck it up and I have to wale on you!
–24th & 2nd
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Good Manners Sometimes Skip Two Generations
Daughter, loudly licking her fingers: Wow! That was great!
Mother: Stop that!
Daughter: What? It was good…
Mother: Stop that! It is not appropriate.
Daughter: Would you lower your voice?!
Mother: No, what you’re doing is disgusting!
Daughter: Please keep your voice down. It’s embarrassing!
Mother: No, not until you stop smacking your lips! Do you do that when you’re out with your friends? They must be embarrassed when you do that.
Daughter: Um, no, we all do it.
–Virgil’s BBQ
Overheard by: trying hard not to laugh
Wednesday One-Liners Worry That Trucker Hats May Be Out
Hipster girl: I hate it when obviously uncool people wear flannel.
–E Train
Overheard by: dru
Hipster girl: Shark Week is a week? It lasted like a month last year.
–N 6th St, Williamsburg
Frumpy hipster: No! Hipsters melt in the rain!
–McCarren Park Pool, Greenpoint
Hipster on cell: No, I've never heard of a nocturnal squirrel… Do you even… Wait, are you trying to tell me you're gay?! No? Well, this is awkward…
–Central Park
Hipster guy to another: Have you ever played with yourself under a blacklight? There's like all kinds of shit on your dick!
–Union Hall
Overheard by: Cass
Frumpy mom, holding up item for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic?
–Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners With Teardrop Tattoos
Tall thug to another: Yo,… I love jail food!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Never had it
Dad to overly excited daughter: Yes, you can tell your mom you went in the bouncy castle in front of the prison.
–Atlantic & Smith
Screaming four-year-old to mom: Are you going to put me in jail?
–Q Train
Young mother to baby, pinching his cheeks: Daddy's in prison! Prisonprisonprisonprisonprison!
–Jackson Heights, Queens
Overheard by: Giving up all hope Newsbunny
And Don’t Think You’re Sleeping Inside Tonight
Mom: Nigga, you can have it when you got your own money!
12-year-old son: What you talkin’ about?! That ain’t your money. You bought that shit with food stamps.
Mom: Then you can have it when you get your own food stamps, Nigga!
–117th & Manhattan Ave
For the Next Three Seconds, Anyway.
Mother to noisy, restless son: You know what? As soon as we get home I’m calling your doctor. You’re going back on medication.
Kid, screaming: Nooo! [Spotting boarding passenger] Oh, he has a wrestling shirt! I want a wresting shirt!
–M101 bus
Overheard by: Glad it’s not my kid