Preschool girl: W W W.
Helpful Mom: Dot.
Preschool girl: WWW dot porn!
–Uptown 4 train
Archive for the ‘Moms’ Category
Maybe Next Time You Won’t Smoke Crack During the Third Trimester
Mom: Look at this! Look at all this! You’re in nature! Aren’t you having fun?
Little boy: No.
Mom: Well then there’s something wrong with you.
–The Great Lawn, Central Park
Almost No One Pickles Children These Days
Mom: Honey, what’s the matter?
Girl: Am I going to turn green for being a bad girl too?
Mom: Honey, I was just kidding about that!
–Gershwin Theater
Overheard by: Rogue
Different Strokes for Different Wednesday One-Liners
Guy saying goodbye to lady friend: Then I masturbated, and rubbed this sandwich all over myself! (proceeds to rub sub sandwich over his chest)
–46th St & Broadway
Overheard by: James
Man to woman pushing stroller: That guy’s kid beats the meat all day long!
–66th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Wow.
Guy in trench coat: He masturbated the other day in order to expel…
–Union Square
Overheard by: Amused
Girl: You really need good hand-eye coordination to masturbate.
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Guy on phone: So, even though we’re not together anymore, you don’t want me seeing other people? (pause) What am I supposed to do? (pause) What do I need to use my hand for?
–White Plains Road
Overheard by: Chad
She Tried to Take My Fluorescent Light Away
Woman #1: They confiscated my fluorescent light because they said it was a fire hazard.
Woman #2: Oh yeah?
Woman #1: Yeah…They should have been there when I set my mother on fire.
–Target, Erskine St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Courtney C.
Besides, You Need to Learn to Make Do
Young daughter: I want an eight-inch one.
Mom: No, honey, eight inches is too long for you.
Young daughter: But I really want it.
Mom: No, you’ll just get the five inches, and it will be good.
–Quizno’s, 5th Ave
It Stands for Keeping Us Safe from the Terrorists
White mom: Does this train stop at Canal Street?
Black guy: Yeah, it goes there, it goes there. It’s not going there anytime soon. ‘Cause you know what the MTA stands for? Might Take Awhile.
–E train
Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap
Gleeful little boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts into giggles.]
–1 train
Overheard by: caitlinj
Guy: I mean, I wasn’t expecting being fucked, either!
–55th & 8th
Overheard by: Mariah
Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.
–Forest Hills
Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, buddy! Don’t fucking push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!
–1 train
Overheard by: wba
Hispanic lady with stroller, on cell: Mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Fuckin’ asshole [Spanish]… Son of a [Spanish]… Fuckin’ mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Bunny rabbit [Spanish]… Fuck.
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N (doesn’t speak Spanish)
…Away from Witnesses
Mom on stoop: Don’t you skate too far from the house!
Four-year-old boy on skateboard: Moooooooom! Go insiiiiide the hoooooouse! I don’t need you!
Mom neighbor: Did he just tell me to go inside the house? Boy, you just wait till *you* come inside the house!
–Monroe & Franklin, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Tigertail
Ssshhh! DSS Is Listening.
Mother: Honey, put on your shirt. This is a shirt and shoes kind of place.
Small boy: But you let me at home!
–Brooklyn Botanical Garden
Overheard by: Jonathan K.
