Hippie to doorman: I know this is a weird question, but is there an office in this building called “Planet Hemp”?
Doorman: Nah man, sorry. (under his breath, as hippie turns and walks away) I fucking wish there was.
–23rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Wanna get High?
Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade.”
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Dashing Dan
Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.
–21st St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.
–10th & 1st
Overheard by: ED
Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.
–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens
Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.
–50th St & 9th Ave
Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.
–F Train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Woman #1: Wow, those fingerless gloves are great! You look like you could get into a fistfight, but in a totally adorable way!
Woman #2: It would be the cutest, fuzziest, bluest fight ever!
–5th & 22nd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Suit #1: There was some great tail at that funeral.
Suit #2: Oh yeah!
–28th & 5th
Overheard by: brp
Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don’t need a man, I have my mom.
–Rare View Bar
Overheard by: white guy
Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.
–R Train
Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!
–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.
–Midtown
Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It’s the dress your mother wore when they buried her!
–Union Square
Overheard by: CJ
Guy: I go over to the house for Mother’s Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother’s Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say “happy Mother’s Day!” and she yells at me for being an idiot.
–37th & 7th
Guy #1: Hey…Sam?
Guy #2: No…Sam’s my brother.
Guy #1: Oh…sorry. Dude, you look just like him.
Guy #2: Well, we’re brothers.
Guy #1: Me and my brother don’t look anything alike.
Guy #2: Huh. Guess your mother was a whore.
–37th & 3rd
Man on cell: Yeah, so do you know that show Dancing with the Stars? They got the idea for it from the camera in my shower.
–6th Ave & 55th St
Overheard by: Alicia
Aging badass to lady friend: Yeah, I totally got escorted out of a Tom Petty concert for dancing in the aisles.
–17th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Original Badass
Black guy: Hey everybody! Stop what you’re doing! There’s two black guys about to dance on this train! That’s something you don’t see often!
–A Train
Flamboyant gay man to friend: You can’t sashay in there. There’s no room to sashay at all.
–Outside LGBT Community Center, during Fur Ball
Overheard by: pandarants
Drunk Asian girl: It’s always time to dance in North Korea.
–2nd St & Ave B
Man shouting to woman nearby: Yo! You better hurry up. I got you a ride. I’m going straight to the bridge, and I ain’t stopping for no crack!
–Amsterdam Ave & 92nd St.
Overheard by: Dana
Girl in dress to friends: And that was the first time I sucked dick for crack…
–10th St & Ave A
Man to another as he walks away: Don’t spend it all in one crackhouse.
–SoHo
Woman, yelling at man twenty feet ahead: Hey! Don’t walk away from me. At least you got crack yesterday!
–Broadway & 96th St
Dorky bookstore guy: Teaching is like the biggest safety net of all.
Cute dorkette: You’re my safety net!
Dorky bookstore guy, seeing her: Aw, you’re my safety net.
–The Strand, Broadway & 12th St
Overheard by: Ian
Student #1: Is lettuce a vegetable?
Student #2: No. It’s a salad.
–24th St & Lexington
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
