Archive for the ‘Museum of Natural History’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Clean Every­thing Up Be­fore Their Par­ents Get Back

Black woman in trashy out­fit: And he said “But the par­ty just start­ed, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nig­ga please! My wa­ter just broke!”

–Low­er East Side

Asian bim­bo on cell: I just spoke to Per­cy and al­leged­ly they threw a par­ty af­ter we were fired, to cel­e­brate us get­ting fired…but we’re peo­ple too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Over­heard by: must not have liked you

Hip­ster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the co­bra snake at a par­ty, with a cig in my hand and Paul* be­tween my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Dayn

Tat­tooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bring­ing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Over­heard by: can I come to that par­ty?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why did­n’t you in­vite to your par­ty? Damn…c’mon! Re­mem­ber that time the chick in a wheel­chair was work­ing us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheel­chair! Re­mem­ber we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right–that was me! She was giv­ing us both head.

–BBQ Re­stroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-some­thing woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a hand­job?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jazz

Just a Lit­tle Bit Of Wednes­day One-Lin­er Re­peat­ing

Moth­er to child in front of dio­ra­ma of pil­grims and Na­tive Amer­i­cans: Well, that’s be­cause the In­di­ans nev­er met re­al peo­ple be­fore.

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Pe­ter R.

Young girl, ar­riv­ing through train tun­nel at Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion: I won­der if Har­ri­et Tub­man is down here.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Air­head: I think like… Colo­nial­iza­tion is like… The um­brel­la theme of, like… Diplo­ma­cy.

–Pommes Frites

His­to­ry teacher, about An­drew Jack­son: He tight, he kill mad peo­ple, he bug­gin’.

–High School

Teacher, dis­cussing Thomas Jef­fer­son­’s mis­tress: You see, guys? His­to­ry is ex­cit­ing! It’s full of sex!

–High School, Low­er Man­hat­tan

Over­heard by: SzN31

Wednes­days Make You Want to Have One-Lin­ers of Your Own

Lit­tle white boy to frus­trat­ed black nan­ny who is try­ing to hail a cab: My dad­dy al­ways gets a taxi!

–Hous­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Dan

Lit­tle boy: This place is like a dead zoo.

–Amer­i­can Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Four-year-old boy: Yo, this so­fa is mad com­fy!

–Used Fur­ni­ture Store, Stat­en Is­land

Four-year-old boy: That’s enough, I’m call­ing In­ter­pol!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Swar­les

Lit­tle girl to mom af­ter ter­ri­ble Skyride at­trac­tion: Mom­my, can we nev­er do this again?
(ran­dom guy be­hind her starts laugh­ing) Stop it! Stop laugh­ing at me!

–Em­pire State Build­ing

Over­heard by: Claire

Eight-year-old boy: This mu­se­um is in­ap­pro­pri­ate.

–The Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art, Greek & Ro­man Sculp­ture Wing

Over­heard by: Tay­lor

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Would Like to Thank the Acad­e­my

Sassy eight-year-old to moth­er: You don’t know Span­ish ex­cept what you learned from Se­le­na.

–2 Train

Chick on cell: Watch­ing 27 Dress­es in a chee­tah robe…

–110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Vir­ginia

Lit­tle boy, as his moth­er asks for di­rec­tions: Great, we’re lost in New York City. It’s like Home Alone!

–Across from Spa­malot The­atre

Fag to hag: Don’t you re­mem­ber that time on Ti­tan­ic when Leonar­do Di­Caprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your mo­ment. Spit, woman, spit!

–Nat­ur­al His­to­ry Mu­se­um

(at a screen­ing of The Shin­ing)
Woman: Ha­ha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!

–Em­pire-Ful­ton Fer­ry State Park

Thug to an­oth­er: And she said she wan­na go to the movies. And I said I don’t wan­na go to the movies, I want some pussy!

–57th & 9th

Over­heard by: JPM

Pan­han­dler on train: Please, I can’t af­ford the rent at the YM­CA be­cause they just raised it. So if any­one has some mon­ey or some food or some­thing to drink, it would re­al­ly help me out. Je­sus loves peo­ple who help poor peo­ple. Al­so, don’t for­get to see the new sum­mer block­buster Hell­boy II. It’s re­al­ly great.

–F Train

Over­heard by: JB

But, to Be Fair, We Al­so Said That About the Cast Of The Re­al World

Lit­tle girl #1, look­ing at Ne­an­derthal dio­ra­ma: I just saw her pupils move!
Lit­tle girl #2: I just saw her hair move!
Lit­tle girl #3: I just saw her blink!
Lit­tle girl #1: I just saw his pe­nis move!
Lit­tle girl #2: I just saw her boob move!
Lit­tle girl #1: I think those are re­al peo­ple!
Lit­tle girl #2: Me, too!
Lit­tle girl #3: Me, three!

–Mu­se­um Of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jen­nifer

Mau­ry Povich Says You’re the Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Guy on phone: His dad’s, like, crazy, and he lives in a house all by him­self, and the sad­dest thing is… the sad­dest thing is this guy’s dad is even ugli­er than our dad!

–Wa­ver­ly Place b/w Mer­cer & Greene

Woman: Don’t even think about hump­ing your fa­ther’s feet!

–Pres­i­dent & Co­lum­bia

[Be­fore the start of the NYC pil­low fight.]Pillow-fighter: I’m gonna beat you all down like you were my dad­dy! [Hits peo­ple with his pil­low.] Why weren’t you there, dad, why!?

–Union Square

Guy on cell: Hey dude, my flight has been de­layed like an hour, yeah it does suck… [Pause.] Dude, from this point on I’m call­ing you “dad­dy”. No: “big dad­dy”. Yeah, hey big dad­dy…

–US Air­ways Ter­mi­nal, La­guardia Air­port

Lit­tle girl point­ing at a griz­zly bear: Dad­dy! Dad­dy!

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry