Loud chick #1: So, they instituted a dress code for the entire office because, like, one woman walks around with these low-cut blouses with her girls out.
Loud chick #2: Are yours girls? Mine are boys. One’s named Lou* and the other’s named Stan*.
–A train
Overheard by: aja
Middle-aged woman: I think her name was something like… Something like Charlemagne.
Barnard girl: You mean Chante?
Middle-aged woman: I was close! I was close!
Barnard girl: Yeah, I think Charlemagne was someone completely different.
–Barnard College
Overheard by: Miss Bonaparte
College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I’ve ever seen!
–Borders, Time Warner Center
Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re calling him L‑train.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Harker
Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m reading. It’s off the hook! They’re sending in this undercover agent, and I think it’s his sister, but he’s all getting ready to have sex with her!
–White Castle, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!
–Union Square
Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, “Don’t take her to McDonald’s!”
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Laura
Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl’s shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?
–Mott & Prince
Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.
–Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel
Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A‑S-S-H-O-L‑E, with an accent on the E… His mama named him Asshole!
–Bus, between 77th & 76th
Overheard by: It’s a Jersey thing
Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he’ll know I’m near.
–Franklin & Broadway
Hobo: It doesn’t take a genius to see it. He’s a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.
–Times Square
Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes
Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ asshole… Even in a wheelchair he’s a fuckin’ asshole!
–9th St & 2nd Ave
Chick: Oh, he’s much better than any other guy I’ve dated… He’s not an asshole, he’s not Type A… My only problem with him is that he’s not depressed enough.
–Amore’s Pizza, 14th St
Overheard by: dues
Guy #1: Yeah man, she’s kind of a hippie. I mean, her name is Maple.
Guy #2: Maple? You should tap that shit.
–3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Overheard by: thejosh
Little girl in stroller, pointing to fossil in subway wall: Look! A skeleton fish!
Mother: And what’s another name for a skeleton fish? (pause) A dinosaur!
–C Train
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.
–Macy’s, Herald Square
Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.
–Mail room, Financial District
Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!
–M14 bus
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.
–6 train
Overheard by: fridaholic
Little girl: How do you spell your name?
Father: D‑a-d-d‑y.
Little girl: Shark?
–Clean-R-Laundromat
Guy: Yeah, that date movie was dumb.
Girl: Oh, you saw it?
Guy: No, but I could tell by the font it would be dumb. It was the same font as Scary Movie and Not Another Teen Movie. I really hated those movies.
Girl: Ahhh, impact.
Guy: What?
Girl: The font. It’s called “impact.”
–Staten Island Ferry
Bimbette #1: Oh my god! I just realized my brother and I have the same last name!
Bimbette #2: Really?
Bimbette #1: Yeah, it never hit me before.
–BX10 Bus
Overheard by: My mom and I too
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
