Archive for the ‘Nerds’ Category

The On­ly Thing That Could Make Rent Bear­able.

Rent­head #1: He was­n’t *that* bad as Roger.
Rent­head #2: Weren’t you drunk last time you saw him?
Rent­head #1: Yeah. That’s prob­a­bly why. When I’m drunk I’m more like “Oh, his hair’s shiny,” rather than “Wow, he has no emo­tion.“
Rent­head #2: His hair is shiny. (pause) Next time he’s on as Roger, let’s get drunk.

–Ned­er­lan­der The­atre

All the Nerd-Boys in Earshot Had a Si­mul­ta­ne­ous Mo­ment in Their Pants

Cute nerd-girl play­ing scrab­ble #1: Did you see that episode where Da­ta made a daugh­ter? It was so good, and so sad!
Cute nerd-girl play­ing scrab­ble #2: Yeah, it was.
Cute nerd #1: And do you re­mem­ber the episode when the lit­tle boy idol­ized da­ta…
Cute nerd #2 in­ter­rupt­ing: I re­mem­ber all the episodes.
Cute nerd #1: But there was this one scene…
Cute nerd #2: I re­mem­ber that scene.
Cute nerd #1: But I did­n’t fin­ish…
Cute nerd #2: I re­mem­ber all the scenes. Se­ri­ous­ly. There was one time when my friend was flip­ping chan­nels, and she flipped to Star Trek. And I on­ly saw like, a quar­ter of a sec­ond of it, with Dr Crush­er bend­ing over a pa­tient, and I said, “ ‘his blood is turn­ing to some kind of liq­uid poly­mer.’ ” and then Dr Crush­er said, “His blood is turn­ing to some kind of liq­uid poly­mer!” It’s like when some peo­ple hear like 3 sec­onds of a song and can iden­ti­fy it. I can do that with Star Trek.

–Star­bucks, 2nd & 9th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need to Be Con­soled

Tech guy: It would suck to be a cow, then you could­n’t play Street Fight­er.

–Mary­mount Man­hat­tan Col­lege

Blond girl, re­gard­ing Egypt­ian ar­ti­facts: This is just like a video game!

–The Met

Over­heard by: Rachael and Ben

Mind­less dude play­ing PSP: Damn! Why is this bitch call­ing me? (an­swers cell) What do you want, you made me stop my game! (pause) My game as in “my video game,” psh! (pause) Shit, if I had any game I would­n’t be with a bitch that looks like you, now what do you want?

–A Train

Over­heard by: to­ken white chick

Ghet­to kids, as 95-year-old Chi­nese la­dy walks in­to mov­ing traf­fic: Damn, she think she play­ing Frog­ger!

–Chi­na­town

Friend to friend: I won­der how Su­per Mario Bros will in­flu­ence my de­ci­sion?

–Hous­ton St & Broad­way

One-Lin­ers Are All Wednes­day Can Af­ford

11-year-old girl: Yo mam­ma’s broke cuz she spend all her mon­ey on rhine­stones and cig­a­rttes!

–River­side Branch Li­brary

Over­heard by: al­ways lis­ten­ing

Po­lite la­dy: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects–don’t wor­ry, they’re mixed income–and you’ll see it when you come out on A.

–1st Ave & 5th St.

Over­heard by: Mrqs

Old la­dy wait­ing for the bath­room: How long do peo­ple stay in toi­lets? Je­sus! It’s a pub­lic toi­let! There are all these peo­ple from the streets that come in, and they al­ways pee on the floor. Well, that’s what hap­pens when you’re poor.

–NY Pub­lic Li­brary

Over­heard by: Av­ery

Home­girl to friend: So she was like “oh, my name’s Di­a­mond. And this is my sis­ter, her name’s Ru­by. Our dad­dy named us af­ter stuff he can’t af­ford.” I was like, shit, if that was the case, my dad­dy woul­da call us “lights” and “gas.”

–Prospect Park

Nerdish teen: What the hell was a war­lock do­ing in a dun­geon when he had no mon­ey?

–C Train

Over­heard by: An­drew

Q: What’s Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Em­bar­rassed Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most em­bar­rass­ing thing in the bath­room.

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: V

Woman to room­mate: When we get home, we’ll have em­bar­rass­ing sex­u­al ac­ci­dents!

–Path­mark, Mas­s­ape­qua

Over­heard by: Are they re­al­ly ac­ci­dents if you plan ahead?

Nerdy TA: The the­sis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It’s a lit­tle em­bar­rass­ing, no one re­al­ly wants to give it, but it’ll make you grow as adults.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Girl to friend: I’m not em­bar­rassed that I peed in his bed. I’m just not.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, “how em­bar­rass­ing would it be rid­ing on a bike with a nun.”

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: gal­gal

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Re­al­ly Bug Me

Geek speed­walk­ing through rush-hour crowd with hands over head: Par­a­sites, par­a­sites, par­a­sites!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: it is what it is

African-Amer­i­can la­dy: The se­cret life of… What? Who’s “bees”?

–Loews Kips Bay

Over­heard by: Robert Gley­ber­man

Woman: I’m a fruit fly. That’s like a fag hag, on­ly pret­ti­er.

–3rd & St. Mark’s

Fe­male suit on cell: We’re deal­ing with racist la­dy­bugs here.

–44th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: LP421

Wow, A Re­al Life Su­per­hero

Com­ic book guy: As soon as I get on the train I felt some­one reach over and start muss­ing my hair. And with­out even look­ing up I said to my­self, “Yup, that’s Lou”. He was go­ing on the stairs–he was go­ing to trans­fer for the N–and there were all these peo­ple yelling, “Oh my god! Some­one got pushed in­to the tracks!” So he goes, “Well, looks like I’m tak­ing the Q!”

–Mid­town Comics (east)

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Black His­to­ry Month

Russ­ian woman to Russ­ian friend: I want to see No­to­ri­ous be­cause it’s about black peo­ple.

–Re­gal Cin­e­ma, 13th & Broad­way

High school boy: Hey, look–a black kid!

–B1 Bus

Over­heard by: Robert Gley­ber­man

Black guy: Don’t wor­ry, its al­right! I’m not that black! I haven’t mugged any­body in two weeks, and I love all white peo­ple un­der six feet tall!

–Time Square

Over­heard by: Jen­nie

Mid­dle-aged black woman, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: That George W. Bush! He walks like an ar­ro­gant black man!

–Queens

Over­heard by: Big­Fat­Tiger

Nerdy Jew­ish guy: I don’t know what went wrong. I should be a black girl by now!

–Queens Col­lege

What’s “Wednes­day One-Lin­er,” Any­way?

Earnest side­walk poll­ster: Sir? Have you got a minute to talk about the san­i­ta­tion de­part­ment? Do you think it’s nor­mal?

–51st St & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: jake‑e

Con­duc­tor, bend­ing down be­fore faint­ed man: C’­mon! Dude! What did I tell you be­fore? Get up and sit down and pass out in the seat like reg­u­lar nor­mal peo­ple. Peo­ple think you’re dead. Get up.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: I guess not a nor­mal per­son

Girl, dur­ing His­to­ry of Is­lam class: Mir­a­cles show us what’s nor­mal and what’s, like, su­per above nor­mal.

–Hunter Col­lege

Woman, bend­ing down to ad­just child: You have to walk nor­mal­ly now–like a nor­mal per­son.

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Nerd guy to friend: It would­n’t be child la­bor. You just hook them up to elec­trodes, con­nect them to the the pow­er grid, and have them play on the play­ground like nor­mal!

–Shut­tle to Times Square