Archive for the ‘New School’ Category

The Teach­ings Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Pro­fes­sor: I have noth­ing against horse rapists, gen­er­al­ly speak­ing.

–New School Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Evan Gilmer

Psy­chol­o­gy pro­fes­sor: Choco­late may make you feel good, but co­caine will make you feel a lot bet­ter!

–Barnard Col­lege

El­der­ly his­to­ry pro­fes­sor: I’m not sure of the con­se­quences of what I’m say­ing, but I’m sure it’s ter­ri­bly im­por­tant.

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Se­ri­ous pro­fes­sor, on Freud: What’s the mat­ter, Anne, are you think­ing about pe­nis en­vy?

–Class­room, Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: Rara

Beard­ed pro­fes­sor: He drew an eye on the bird and asked me “do you know what this means?” (short pause) “I swal­low.” What do you say to that?

–94th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: DI

El­der­ly pro­fes­sor: You two ladies in the back want to cut the bull­shit and lis­ten to my bril­liance?

–Tisch School of the Arts

Over­heard by: Bruce Lee

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers 101

Psy­chol­o­gy pro­fes­sor: So with the gus­ta­to­ry sys­tem the mo­tor ac­tion is ba­si­cal­ly spit or swal­low. That re­minds me of… nev­er mind.

–NYU

Pro­fes­sor: As rigid as it may sound, I would re­al­ly pre­fer that you pro­vide me with the lit­er­al trans­la­tion of the Latin on all quizzes and ex­ams, rather than re­ar­rang­ing the gram­mar to make it sound less awk­ward in Eng­lish, so as to pre­serve the in­tegri­ty of the Latin prose. Yeah, that’s how I roll.

–Lin­coln Cen­ter, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Clas­sics Stu­dent

So­cial psy­chol­o­gy pro­fes­sor: The field of psy­chol­o­gy does­n’t run on… Dunkin’.

–New School Uni­ver­si­ty

Eng­lish pro­fes­sor to class of fresh­women: When you get drunk, does your judg­ment suf­fer? (silent awk­ward pause) Well, you girls might be a lit­tle young for it, but I know my judg­ment suf­fers!

–Barnard Col­lege

Over­heard by: High As­pi­ra­tions

Eng­lish pro­fes­sor: I know it sounds like an ass­hole thing to say, but that’s what I’m here for guys. I’m here to be your ass­hole.

–Eng­lish Sem­i­nar, Ford­ham

Tim Gunn?

Girl: Hon­ey, who’s that white guy in our class?
Boy: Which guy?
Girl: The white guy with the ac­cent? It’s like a gang­ster ac­cent?
Boy: Gang­ster ac­cent?
Girl: You know: “Yo yo, what’s up?” (throws up gang signs)
Boy: I did­n’t know gang­sters had ac­cents.

–Par­sons New School for De­sign

Head­line by: LJ

Run­ners-Up:
· “A Whole New Way to Ful­fill a Lan­guage Re­quire­ment” — Bill
· “And Since When Did “The Shock­er” Be­come a Gang Sign?” — cbeck
· “Clear­ly You Haven’t Spent Enough Time Watch­ing Bad Dance Movies” — mk
· “Keanu Reeves Deeply Re­search­es Yet An­oth­er Role” — Be­van
· “Par­sons New School Of Lib­er­al De­nial Is on 43rd.” — Ed­dieA
· “That’s Not an Ac­cent. He’s Deaf. Those Aren’t Gang Signs. It’s Sign Lan­guage.” — DB
· “The RE­AL Michelle and Barack” — Qasar

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Poly­glots

Frus­trat­ed bounc­er: You don’t speak Span­ish, you don’t speak Chi­nese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chi­na­town

Woman, talk­ing to friends: And I love how his “Do­mini­can” wife has an Irish ac­cent.

–109th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Cas­san­dra

Crazy guy run­ning: The British are com­ing! The British are com­ing!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talk­ing to friend: So this Chi­nese guy told me he was speak­ing Viet­namese. I nev­er knew that Viet­nam was in chi­na! I felt so ig­no­rant af­ter that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-some­thing woman to her fe­male friend: I did­n’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

For­eign woman, af­ter the en­tire au­di­ence has been scream­ing “Cunt! Cunt!” at the end of “Re­claim­ing Cunt” dur­ing “The Vagi­na Mono­logues”: I think my Eng­lish is im­prov­ing!

–New School