Archive for the ‘Nostalgia’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Car­ry­ing Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she could­n’t be preg­nant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preg­gers to male friend: And that ass­hole came up and body-slammed me on the train plat­form! Of course, every­one was look­ing at me like I’m the an­i­mal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s sev­en months preg­nant and not feel bad?

–D train

Over­heard by: Jan­nine Ram­lochan

Preg­gers to la­dy push­ing to get to cup­cake ta­ble: La­dy, I am four months preg­nant. Get­ting be­tween me and those cup­cakes is a re­al­ly, re­al­ly good way to lose an arm.

–Mag­no­lia Bak­ery

Snot­ty ac­tress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my act­ing type. Her script is so like, like — preg­nant with promise.

–14th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Emil­ia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Be­cause then if I got preg­nant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose ba­by is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

British moth­er to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was preg­nant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daugh­ter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Var­ick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps get­ting preg­nant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Co­lum­bia cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ch­eney

Just Don’t Try to Fill Them Up With Dirt

Bim­bette daugh­ter: So, you like, had to, like, grow corn and shit when you were lit­tle?
Old hip­pie fa­ther: Yeah, be­fore I moved to Ore­gon. We had cows.
Bim­bette daugh­ter: Ewww! You had to milk cows?
Old hip­pie fa­ther: Yeah, but cows don’t help with house­hold chores, though. On­ly croc­o­diles can do that.
Bim­bette daugh­ter: Word.

–Barnes & No­ble

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Clean Every­thing Up Be­fore Their Par­ents Get Back

Black woman in trashy out­fit: And he said “But the par­ty just start­ed, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nig­ga please! My wa­ter just broke!”

–Low­er East Side

Asian bim­bo on cell: I just spoke to Per­cy and al­leged­ly they threw a par­ty af­ter we were fired, to cel­e­brate us get­ting fired…but we’re peo­ple too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Over­heard by: must not have liked you

Hip­ster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the co­bra snake at a par­ty, with a cig in my hand and Paul* be­tween my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Dayn

Tat­tooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bring­ing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Over­heard by: can I come to that par­ty?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why did­n’t you in­vite to your par­ty? Damn…c’mon! Re­mem­ber that time the chick in a wheel­chair was work­ing us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheel­chair! Re­mem­ber we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right–that was me! She was giv­ing us both head.

–BBQ Re­stroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-some­thing woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a hand­job?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jazz

I’m Too Sexy for My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers.

Co­me­di­an guy with fly­er: Girl, you have some sexy nos­trils!

–Broad­way

Gay man to an­oth­er: Next Hal­loween I am go­ing to be a sexy tub of lard.

–Broad­way & Spring

20-some­thing hot girl on cell: So, like, Kristin was sup­posed to go as a wa­ter-board­ing tor­ture vic­tim, which is hi­lar­i­ous, but then, she like, um, shows up as a *sexy* wa­ter-board­ing tor­ture vic­tim, which is bet­ter than be­ing, like, all gross and frumpy. But come on… that’s not fun­ny.

–Q Train

Creepy old man: When I was was a kid… Coney Is­land was hot! I mean “sexy.” I mean it was… Bam!

–Nep­tune Ave

Over­heard by: tay­lor

Girl on cell: It’s re­al­ly not like a sexy stab­bing.

–Cen­tre St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Say a Mouth­ful

Loud woman on cell: I suck your dick and we can’t be Face­book friends?

–20th St & 6th Ave

Guy to bud­dies in the pass­ing Sky­fari car: Yo, that build­ing over there… That’s the build­ing where I got that $5 blowjob.

–Sky­fari, Bronx Zoo

Over­heard by: Ste­fan Yonker

Young man, dis­mis­sive­ly: I could fuck­ing suck cocks for a liv­ing, it does­n’t mat­ter!

–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave

Mid­dle school­er, wrestling in Aids memo­r­i­al: Ooops, I sucked your dick!

–Hud­son Riv­er Park

Over­heard by: Ni­na & Phil

Mid­dle-school girl to moth­er: My e‑mail pass­word is “blowjob”.

–L Train

Wednes­days Feel Vir­tu­ous When They Don’t Eat One-Lin­ers

Weird hobo: Ladies and gen­tle­man, I am a dis­abled Viet­nam vet. I’m ask­ing help from all of you so I don’t wind up on the streets. While in Viet­nam, I was ex­posed to Agent Or­ange, which caused me my disability–I be­came a veg­e­tar­i­an.

–Down­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: An Amused For­mer Veg­e­tar­i­an

Ag­ing hip­pie to woman spout­ing PE­TA pro­pa­gan­da: I’ve been a ve­g­an for 30 years. You’re em­bar­rass­ing me. Why do you do that?

–F Train

Over­heard by: AeC

Guy: Yo, I’m veg­e­tar­i­an now, I don’t eat no meat, but man I love that chick­en. That chick­en just keeps comin’ back to me!

–Man­na’s

Over­heard by: eating­in­harlem

Crazy-look­ing woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was to­tal­ly a veg­e­tar­i­an yes­ter­day. Like lit­er­al­ly, I ate no meat.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Meat Eater

Clue­less 20-some­thing fe­male: Do you have an­oth­er menu? I’m a ve­g­an.

–Broth­er Jim­my’s BBQ, 31st St

Out of What, Now?

Old white hus­band: What are lamb chops?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for din­ner all the time.
Old white hus­band: What are they?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for you!
Old white hus­band: I don’t re­mem­ber, tell me what they are.
Old black wife: They’re like pork chops, but made out of lamb.

–D train

Over­heard by: daniela

Wednes­day Does­n’t Eat Enough to Keep a One-Lin­er Alive

Skin­ny pro­fes­sor: John* [a chub­by pro­fes­sor] and I start­ed Weight Watch­ers to­geth­er at the same time!

–Hos­tos Fac­ul­ty Din­ing Room

Over­heard by: glad she’s leav­ing

Skin­ny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy sub­sti­tute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on loves Thanks­giv­ing food

Girl or­der­ing Cof­fee Coolat­ta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorex­ic. Every­thing tast­ed good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Over­heard by: al­li­son

Jew­ish grand­moth­er­ly type: Women with anorex­ia seem to have such strange eat­ing habits.

–Up­per West Side

Anorex­ic-look­ing girl: I want a tic tac. I’m hun­gry.

–95th & 2nd