Archive for the ‘Not New York’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Join the Jet Set

South­ern woman on cell: I could not feel worse than I do right now…You will…Oh my god, they are gonna have to land that air­plane so you can vom­it.

–66th be­tween CPW and Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Char­lie

Dirt­bag: Man, I have to get over to Eu­rope. I got­ta sell a fuck­ing kid­ney.

–St. Mark’s Place

Man on cell: Yeah ba­by, yeah, I’m still in Lon­don. Yeah, I’ll be back on Wednes­day, ba­by.

–West 4th & Jane

Con­duc­tor: You’re now en­ter­ing the coun­try of Brook­lyn. Please have your pass­ports ready…

–F train

Over­heard by: Paul Eng

The Pit­ter-Pat­ter of Tiny Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just go­ing to stay home and make ba­bies.

–1 Train

Col­lege pro­fes­sor: Every­thing that is wrong in this world can be traced back to ba­bies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Just Try­ing to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m go­ing to have to can­cel for a few dif­fer­ent rea­sons. First, the ba­by has­n’t got­ten all her shots. And more im­por­tant­ly, there’s some­thing peck­ing through my wall! I’m re­al­ly freaked out!

–Bleeck­er and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, af­ter watch­ing the el­dest push the mid­dle to the ground: What are you push­ing him down for? Are you try­ing to up­set my stom­ach so I lose this ba­by in­side me?

–St Marks Place, Stat­en Is­land

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have ba­bies so much, why don’t she just be a … doc­tor!

–52nd & 7th

Pro­fes­sor: 42-year-old ba­bies don’t have bones.

–Sch­enec­tady Coun­ty Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege

Why NY is not Min­neapo­lis

Mid­dle-aged man at the Min­neapo­lis air­port: “When Min­neso­ta first got the lot­to, they had the scratch-off lot­tery cards. I wait­ed on line in a cor­ner store, and the clerk asked me if I want­ed to buy one and I said, ‘No. I do not play the lot­tery.’ The per­son be­hind me, as I was leav­ing, bought a tick­et and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, ‘See, you should have bought a tick­et!’ and I said to her, ‘No, I’m glad I did­n’t. Be­cause I don’t play the lot­tery.’ ”

…Douchebag.

Judge, at con­clu­sion of tri­al: Well, I must say I was very im­pressed with the qual­i­ty of the at­tor­neys for both sides. It’s ex­treme­ly un­usu­al and re­fresh­ing to see at­tor­neys act­ing like lawyers.
At­tor­ney: I would sug­gest, your hon­or, that it would be more ac­cu­rate to say that it is un­usu­al and re­fresh­ing to see at­tor­neys not act­ing like lawyers.
Judge: Point well tak­en.

–Civ­il Court, Sut­phin Boule­vard, Ja­maica

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers– As Far As You Know

Man on cell, com­ing out of The Dark Knight: I’m sor­ry that I could­n’t pick up your call, I was in a very im­por­tant meet­ing with a client.

–Lowes Movie The­ater, 68th & Broad­way

Guy on cell walk­ing out of sub­way en­trance: I’m get­ting on the sub­way now.

–Park Place & Church Street

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Fe­male suit on cell: Well, I can’t talk long, I’m about to get on a plane. Yeah, JFK.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: pop pop

Over­weight woman to daugh­ter in pink tu­tu: You made me come here! Don’t lie! Don’t lie! Don’t lie!

–Ikea, Red­hook

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

An­noy­ing an­chor: I’m writ­ing a news­cast. I don’t have time to check facts.

–CBS News Head­quar­ters, 57th St

Over­heard by: The Shad­ow News Bun­ny

Oma­gah, It’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Gay man with a com­plete­ly se­ri­ous tone: It is go­ing to take a lot of brown­ie mix and a lot of sex ‑but I am com­mit­ted.

–W 52nd & 9th

Over­heard by: I wish I knew what they were speak­ing about

Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I got­ta go. I have a meet­ing in a lit­tle bit and I want to mas­tur­bate first.

–Wag­n­er Col­lege Din­ning Hall

Queer: Any­one can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an ex­it.

–Christo­pher Street

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Queer: And then I was so glad I mis­car­ried be­cause get­ting knocked up and be­ing preg­nant is like, such a has­sle!

–Sarah Lawrence Col­lege

Over­heard by: bit­ter­fame

Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out be­cause a cou­ple of bitchy fags sprayed you with al­co­hol?

–23rd & 7th

Black queer: My pil­low is Guc­ci! Raaaaaah! [He be­ings to at­tack peo­ple with said Guc­ci pil­low.]

–Pil­low Fight, Union Square

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was re­al­ly great meet­ing you all. You are such an in­ter­est­ing group of peo­ple. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo!

–Hol­ly­wood Din­er, 17th St & 6th Ave

Rab­bi: No, that’s To­tal­ly Cool

Ital­ian dude #1: No, it’s called Shalom in the Home. They send this Jew­ish guy in to tell you right from wrong.
Ital­ian dude #2: They send some Jew­ish guy in­to your house?
Ital­ian dude #1: Yeah, they send a Jew­ish guy in to, like, tell you if you’re do­ing some­thing wrong.
Ital­ian dude #2: So if you’re smokin’ crack, he’s all, ‘Don’t do that!’?

–Coop­er & 67th, Glen­dale

Over­heard by: Kim­ber­lee