Archive for the ‘Offers and requests’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go for the Jugu­lar

Slut­ty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I’ve been shit­ting blood for two days.

–Citi Field Sta­di­um

Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.

–St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: jax

Chick laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: Fresh Man

Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleed­ing from his eye sock­ets and shit. (pause) So you wan­na meet up lat­er?

–Willough­by & Van­der­bilt

With This Ring, I Thee Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Woman on phone: The point is, I asked you to mar­ry me and you hes­i­tat­ed. You hes­i­tat­ed!

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Act­ing pro­fes­sor: Act as if you’re fas­ci­nat­ed by what they’re say­ing, while think­ing about some­thing else. That’s what boys learn to do when they get mar­ried.

–NYU

Over­heard by: Lisa

Man, ad­vis­ing an­oth­er flirt­ing with hot woman: You got­ta go for it–unless she’s mar­ried!

–2 Train

Five-year-old boy to an­oth­er: Yeah, well… I’ll let you mar­ry my daugh­ter!

–10th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Ricky

Man to male friend: So ba­si­cal­ly, I took her to a gay bar on our wed­ding night.

–Cen­tral Park

Chick to guy: Are we *se­ri­ous­ly* ar­gu­ing about whether or not aunt Jemi­ma would sup­port gay mar­riage?

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: La­dle

Now, Less Than Ever

Sales­guy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find any­thing?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The per­fume’s too much for us.
Sales­guy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out even­tu­al­ly.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Am­bu­lances are bad for busi­ness.
Sales­guy: I’ve al­ways want­ed to ride in the back of an am­bu­lance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Ac­tu­al­ly, it’s a bit of a role re­ver­sal. We’re wait­ing for my hus­band to fin­ish shop­ping.
Sales­guy: Oh, which one is your hus­band?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Sales­guy: The one with the pony­tail? Looks like a vam­pire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Sales­guy: Boy, you’re one lucky la­dy.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Sales­guy: Hey, does he have a broth­er?
Chick #1: Yes.
Sales­guy: Just kid­ding. Does he have a sis­ter?
Chick #1: No.
Sales­guy: Oh. Well, I was still kid­ding. You sure you don’t want to come in?

–Out­side The Body Shop, 76th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Wednes­day Undie-Lin­ers

Guy: Oh, man! It is not a good day to be my un­der­wear!

–Wine Store, 75th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Raven

10-year-old to lit­tle broth­er: Hey! C’mere! You wan­na play Cap­tain Un­der­pants?

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: dog­boy

Guy on cell: I’m not pay­ing her to smell your un­der­wear!

–57th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Lagsa­lot

Loud old­er gen­tle­man watch­ing peo­ple at sub­way en­trance: They don’t wear brassieres any­more!

–23rd St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Zom­bie Boyfriend

Old­er la­dy in fu­ner­al pro­ces­sion be­hind bag piper wear­ing kilt: I looked. He’s wear­ing un­der­pants.

–120th & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap

Glee­ful lit­tle boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts in­to gig­gles.]

–1 train

Over­heard by: caitlinj

Guy: I mean, I was­n’t ex­pect­ing be­ing fucked, ei­ther!

–55th & 8th

Over­heard by: Mari­ah

Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.

–For­est Hills

Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, bud­dy! Don’t fuck­ing push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!

–1 train

Over­heard by: wba

His­pan­ic la­dy with stroller, on cell: Moth­a­fuckin’ [Span­ish]… Fuckin’ ass­hole [Span­ish]… Son of a [Span­ish]… Fuckin’ moth­a­fuckin’ [Span­ish]… Bun­ny rab­bit [Span­ish]… Fuck.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Mike N (does­n’t speak Span­ish)

Call­ing Me on My Trans­par­ent Scam Like That

Home­less man to pas­sen­gers: If you ever have any left­over food or drinks or what­not, you can bring them to me at this ad­dress. (hands out busi­ness cards)
Suit: Umm… How’d you get the mon­ey to print out busi­ness cards?
Home­less man: Kiss my ass, give me that card back!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

He Won’t Even Use Old Ones to Line His Bird’s Cage

Wan­na-be prep­py: Hey! Is that the news­pa­per?
Slack­er: Yeah.
Wan­na-be prep­py: Let’s have a look at it.
(slack­er throws pa­per in­to lock­er and locks lock­er)
Wan­na-be prep­py: Aw, why did you do that?
Slack­er: I can’t let you see it. It’s not mine.
Wan­na-be prep­py: Whose is it?
Slack­er: My girl­friend’s broth­er. He’s re­al­ly sen­si­tive…
Wan­na-be prep­py: Re­al­ly sen­si­tive about the news­pa­per?

–Mid­town

Over­heard by: Kane