Archive for the ‘Offers and requests’ Category

…By Glazing Over the Truth.

Old lady covered in baby powder: Give me six donuts.
Donuts clerk: Okay, which ones?
Old lady covered in baby powder: Six donuts.
Donuts clerk: These are all donuts… Which ones?
Old lady covered in baby powder: Six donuts.
Donuts clerk: Okay, I’ll just give you a selection of six. (starts putting random donuts in bag)
Old lady covered in baby powder: Six donuts, don’t trick me.

–Flatbush, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Save the Whales, Save the Whole Thing

Wednesday One-Liners Go for the Jugular

Slutty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I’ve been shitting blood for two days.

–Citi Field Stadium

Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.

–St. Mark’s

Overheard by: jax

Chick laughing hysterically on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Fresh Man

Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleeding from his eye sockets and shit. (pause) So you wanna meet up later?

–Willoughby & Vanderbilt

With This Ring, I Thee Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on phone: The point is, I asked you to marry me and you hesitated. You hesitated!

–Grand Central Terminal

Acting professor: Act as if you’re fascinated by what they’re saying, while thinking about something else. That’s what boys learn to do when they get married.

–NYU

Overheard by: Lisa

Man, advising another flirting with hot woman: You gotta go for it–unless she’s married!

–2 Train

Five-year-old boy to another: Yeah, well… I’ll let you marry my daughter!

–10th St & University

Overheard by: Ricky

Man to male friend: So basically, I took her to a gay bar on our wedding night.

–Central Park

Chick to guy: Are we *seriously* arguing about whether or not aunt Jemima would support gay marriage?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Now, Less Than Ever

Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume’s too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I’ve always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Actually, it’s a bit of a role reversal. We’re waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Salesguy: Boy, you’re one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don’t want to come in?

–Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday Undie-Liners

Guy: Oh, man! It is not a good day to be my underwear!

–Wine Store, 75th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Raven

10-year-old to little brother: Hey! C’mere! You wanna play Captain Underpants?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: dogboy

Guy on cell: I’m not paying her to smell your underwear!

–57th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Lagsalot

Loud older gentleman watching people at subway entrance: They don’t wear brassieres anymore!

–23rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Zombie Boyfriend

Older lady in funeral procession behind bag piper wearing kilt: I looked. He’s wearing underpants.

–120th & Broadway