Archive for the ‘Office politics’ Category

Wednesdays Don’t Kill People; One-Liners Kill People

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the diamonds, then the other guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Overheard by: Seth Callaway

Teen, looking around: Where are we? Are we purchasing illegal arms?

–Turkish Restaurant, Montague St.

Overheard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perkily: … There was no exit wound, and no bullet.

–L train

Overheard by: Ladle

Girl talking to co-worker: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with machine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Tourette’s and won’t just start shooting their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Older suit, calmly, to his two female coworkers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say "Nickie do the right thing or I will blow your fucking head off."
[His companions nod in understanding.]

–Starbucks

Calm Jewish fraternity guy on cell: So, I’m being deported and drafted into the Israeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun after you!

–NYU Waverly Building

Don’t Bogart the Wednesday One-Liners!

Flyer guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it’s free! But my weed is not. I’ll be right here until five.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Engi

Yuppie guy: Hey, you wanna buy a bong and get pierced?

–MacDougal & Bleecker

Overheard by: Betty Noir

Guy listening to iPod: Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed!

–183rd & Audubon Ave

Overheard by: BB

Black guy to another: All those niggas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each other!

–A train, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she’s like, ‘O-M-G, you’re high.’ And I usually am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she always knows. And even so, I’m like, ‘Em, why do you have to comment on it every single time? At the dorms, at parties, even at Target one time!’ Hahaha… But anyway, we might come Thursday. I’ll see if my funds are in order to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stunna shades.

–6 train

Guy outside MTV studios: Stay calm. Everything is going to be okay. There will be marijuana giveaways.

–1515 Broadway

Overheard by: Rebecca

M4M Wednesday One-Liners

Teenager: Do you know where the Gay Pride Parade is?… I’m not gay!

–Astor Place

Guy: And so, this one gay guy in your office was wearing these pants, and his fly was open and this straight guy could see his penis, or some shit like that, right?

–9th St, Park Slope

Queer on cell: You really think she’s into gay guys?

–NYU

Guy, pointing to gay hipster: That’s like “I like it in the bum” written in hair.

–Peculier Pub, Bleecker St

Overheard by: Mad

Mom, to young son: It’s not a matter of being gay or not, darling. I just won’t let you participate in your school play.

–Broadway

Girl: Well, I couldn’t really sing the last part. We were both on our backs with our legs wide open. The only redeeming fact is that he was gay!

–Corbin Plaza, Brighton Beach

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

Flamboyant tween boy: I hate health class! You know what I’m going to do in health class today? I’m going to tell the teacher I’m gay! And that I like to suck dick!

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Cuba Gooding Jr: “Show Me the Wednesday One-Liner!”

CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!

–Q Train

Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!

–85th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jesse D

Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Greg

Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: DRC

Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.

–Pratt Institute

Wednesday One-Liners Feel Pretty and Witty and Gay

Flamboyantly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can’t I just be regular?!

–Christopher Street

Overheard by: JMcheer

Queer to another: I just want to bury my face in his ass!

–67th & Park Ave

Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love playing straight!

–1st Ave, East Village

Overheard by: B

Stressed gay worker: They always skip over my lunch break. Everyone else gets their lunch breaks but they always skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I’m gonna take my 15 minutes. I’m taking my 15 minutes. I close tonight… Ugh, this is not the road to success! (storms off)

–H&M Store

Overheard by: nyu kid

Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie… That movie made me gay.

–Restaurant, 19th & 8th

Overheard by: batou187

Queer on cell: I know… I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(bewildered elderly lady looks at him)
Queer to elderly lady (in shrieking voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the faggot said gay!

–Central Park

Wednesday One-liners Are in the Wrong Line of Work

Jamaican lady: You fucker! I sell drugs for the Police. They call them dealers because they make deals. I made a deal. Do you pay me? Am I your employee? Fuck you, brush your teeth!

–F train

Overheard by: z0mb13

Guy on cell: I’m off today. I ran over one of the kids with the bus.

–72nd & 1st

Overheard by: Todd Horan

Trader: I’m almost wishing to come back in my next life as the Jewish wife of a Jewish husband.

–Madison Avenue office

Man on cell: She’s got a summer job editing Harlequin romance novels. Yeah, which goes so well with…you know…her divinity degree.

–118th & Broadway

Security guard: One of my feet has five fingers less than the other one, but I don’t claim disability. I work three jobs: model, actor and security guard, I’m not stopping until I make fifty-two million.

–F train

Overheard by: Nico Westerdale

Store chick: I’m just sampling the food so I can explain to customers why it’s so expensive.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: jexe