Archive for the ‘Office politics’ Category

Wednes­days Don’t Kill Peo­ple; One-Lin­ers Kill Peo­ple

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the di­a­monds, then the oth­er guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Over­heard by: Seth Call­away

Teen, look­ing around: Where are we? Are we pur­chas­ing il­le­gal arms?

–Turk­ish Restau­rant, Mon­tague St.

Over­heard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perk­i­ly: … There was no ex­it wound, and no bul­let.

–L train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl talk­ing to co-work­er: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with ma­chine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Touret­te’s and won’t just start shoot­ing their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Old­er suit, calm­ly, to his two fe­male cowork­ers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say “Nick­ie do the right thing or I will blow your fuck­ing head off.”
[His com­pan­ions nod in un­der­stand­ing.]

–Star­bucks

Calm Jew­ish fra­ter­ni­ty guy on cell: So, I’m be­ing de­port­ed and draft­ed in­to the Is­raeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun af­ter you!

–NYU Wa­ver­ly Build­ing

Don’t Bog­a­rt the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Fly­er guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it’s free! But my weed is not. I’ll be right here un­til five.

–45th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: En­gi

Yup­pie guy: Hey, you wan­na buy a bong and get pierced?

–Mac­Dou­gal & Bleeck­er

Over­heard by: Bet­ty Noir

Guy lis­ten­ing to iPod: Pussy, mon­ey, weed! Pussy, mon­ey, weed! Pussy, mon­ey, weed!

–183rd & Audubon Ave

Over­heard by: BB

Black guy to an­oth­er: All those nig­gas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each oth­er!

–A train, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she’s like, ‘O‑M-G, you’re high.’ And I usu­al­ly am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she al­ways knows. And even so, I’m like, ‘Em, why do you have to com­ment on it every sin­gle time? At the dorms, at par­ties, even at Tar­get one time!’ Ha­ha­ha… But any­way, we might come Thurs­day. I’ll see if my funds are in or­der to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stun­na shades.

–6 train

Guy out­side MTV stu­dios: Stay calm. Every­thing is go­ing to be okay. There will be mar­i­jua­na give­aways.

–1515 Broad­way

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

First Ac­tion Item: Learn to Act Like a Man

Suit #1: I think we need to sit down with Yolan­da, Minet­ta, Julie […] and tell them, “Look, what hap­pened yes­ter­day can’t hap­pen again. We need to learn more about dis­patch. It’s time we had this meet­ing.”
Suit #2: It’s too late for a meet­ing.
Suit #1: Right, no, that’s what I’m say­ing. We don’t need a meet­ing, we need ac­tion.

–N train

M4M Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Teenag­er: Do you know where the Gay Pride Pa­rade is?… I’m not gay!

–As­tor Place

Guy: And so, this one gay guy in your of­fice was wear­ing these pants, and his fly was open and this straight guy could see his pe­nis, or some shit like that, right?

–9th St, Park Slope

Queer on cell: You re­al­ly think she’s in­to gay guys?

–NYU

Guy, point­ing to gay hip­ster: That’s like “I like it in the bum” writ­ten in hair.

–Pe­culi­er Pub, Bleeck­er St

Over­heard by: Mad

Mom, to young son: It’s not a mat­ter of be­ing gay or not, dar­ling. I just won’t let you par­tic­i­pate in your school play.

–Broad­way

Girl: Well, I could­n’t re­al­ly sing the last part. We were both on our backs with our legs wide open. The on­ly re­deem­ing fact is that he was gay!

–Corbin Plaza, Brighton Beach

Over­heard by: An­ti-Traf­fic Girl

Flam­boy­ant tween boy: I hate health class! You know what I’m go­ing to do in health class to­day? I’m go­ing to tell the teacher I’m gay! And that I like to suck dick!

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Cu­ba Good­ing Jr: “Show Me the Wednes­day One-Lin­er!”

CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make mon­ey.

–12th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Je­re­my

Old­er man wear­ing yarmulke, scream­ing in­to cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the ar­moire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so wor­ried! I will de­posit it to­mor­row! (pause) Yeah! I’m go­ing over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I got­ta go! Bye!

–Q Train

Frus­trat­ed girl on cell: I’ve on­ly got a metro card and $20! I can’t take the bus!

–85th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Jesse D

Fe­male stu­dent: My dad did­n’t pay two $200,000 for me to be a bar­tender.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Greg

Singing hobo: I work hard for the mon­ey, I work hard for the mon­ey, so you bet­ter work hard for me!

–W 4th St

Over­heard by: DRC

Bur­sar of­fice at­ten­dant: All we do is take yo mon­ey.

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Feel Pret­ty and Wit­ty and Gay

Flam­boy­ant­ly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can’t I just be reg­u­lar?!

–Christo­pher Street

Over­heard by: JM­cheer

Queer to an­oth­er: I just want to bury my face in his ass!

–67th & Park Ave

Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love play­ing straight!

–1st Ave, East Vil­lage

Over­heard by: B

Stressed gay work­er: They al­ways skip over my lunch break. Every­one else gets their lunch breaks but they al­ways skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I’m gonna take my 15 min­utes. I’m tak­ing my 15 min­utes. I close tonight… Ugh, this is not the road to suc­cess! (storms off)

–H&M Store

Over­heard by: nyu kid

Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie… That movie made me gay.

–Restau­rant, 19th & 8th

Over­heard by: batou187

Queer on cell: I know… I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(be­wil­dered el­der­ly la­dy looks at him)
Queer to el­der­ly la­dy (in shriek­ing voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the fag­got said gay!

–Cen­tral Park

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Are in the Wrong Line of Work

Ja­maican la­dy: You fuck­er! I sell drugs for the Police. They call them deal­ers be­cause they make deals. I made a deal. Do you pay me? Am I your em­ploy­ee? Fuck you, brush your teeth!

–F train

Over­heard by: z0mb13

Guy on cell: I’m off to­day. I ran over one of the kids with the bus.

–72nd & 1st

Over­heard by: Todd Ho­ran

Trad­er: I’m al­most wish­ing to come back in my next life as the Jew­ish wife of a Jew­ish hus­band.

–Madi­son Av­enue of­fice

Man on cell: She’s got a sum­mer job edit­ing Har­le­quin ro­mance nov­els. Yeah, which goes so well with…you know…her di­vin­i­ty de­gree.

–118th & Broad­way

Se­cu­ri­ty guard: One of my feet has five fin­gers less than the oth­er one, but I don’t claim dis­abil­i­ty. I work three jobs: mod­el, ac­tor and se­cu­ri­ty guard, I’m not stop­ping un­til I make fifty-two mil­lion.

–F train

Over­heard by: Nico Wes­t­erdale

Store chick: I’m just sam­pling the food so I can ex­plain to cus­tomers why it’s so ex­pen­sive.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: jexe