Archive for the ‘Old People’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners–Easy As 1, 2, 3

Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for “brighten up your day” train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–B Train

Overheard by: ryder

Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in “money,” the N as in “Nick,” and the R as in “Romeoooooo!”

–D Train

Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line… No, D as in “David.” D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay…then you walk down to Hoffman Street… Hoffman Street, as in “Dustin Hoffman.” He’s that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that’s in that movie about your life…yeah…yeah! He’s a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That’s you, bro!

–Arthur Ave

Overheard by: eternal student

Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for “vagina”. We’re on the F. F for “fuck.”

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: CL

Conductor: There is no C train like “Charlie” all weekend. The D train like “Dick” is helping us out. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It’s okay, you’ll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.

–A Train

Overheard by: Nay

Wednesday One-liners Bring It

Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years. 

–Bobst Library, Washington Square South

The New-Car Smell Of Wednesday One-Liners

Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!

–Brooklyn

Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.

–74th St & Park Ave

Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!

–Union Square

Overheard by: rpk

Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick-up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… “Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent.”

–St. John’s University, Queens

NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!

–Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: Angie

Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: “I programmed my car to sound just like you!”

–89th St & 5th Ave

Seems Bats Lose Their Sonar When They Get Old

Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can’t miss ’em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight…Go up the stairs…when you get to the top…make a left.
Old woman: So I’m making a right, then going up the stairs…
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn’t he rude!
Cop lady: Ma’am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I’ll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma’am.

The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: mshorty