Archive for the ‘On Cell’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Say It, But They Don’t Really Mean It

Queer to hipster chick: Honey, you’re not a hipster! … I’m sorry I said that.

–New School University

Overheard by: smoon

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out. If you could give me just one penny, I’d really appreciate it. [Yuppie woman hands him a quarter.] I asked for one penny. You gave me 24 cents too much [hands the quarter back and walks away].

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Conservatively-dressed lady: I’m so sorry! My birth canal was showing!

–Atlantic Ave & Clinton St

Overheard by: amalthya & schizo

Dude on cell: I didn’t know you wanted to become priest… What?! You have to go through all that shit just to be a deacon?! My god! … Sorry man, I didn’t mean it like that…

–Union Square

Man on cell: I’m sorry, but I’m in New Jersey right now… When? Okay, Monday night… Of course I’ll be there, you have my word.

–M14 bus, Ave A

Lady suit: Now I am totally sorry I stalked you — it was so not worth the effort.

−−47−50 Rockefeller Center train station

Overheard by: SandmanEsq

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Rubbers

Girl: Those weather websites are so unreliable. They all say different things. The other day, I went to one, and it was like, ‘Partly sunny.’ Okay. Then I went to another, and it was like, ‘Party cloudy.’ They’re all different.

–NYU residence hall, Lafayette St

Overheard by: Rusty V 

Guy selling umbrellas: Acid rain in the forecast today. Acid rain all day. Get your umbrellas!

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: Wondering what the umbrellas were made out of

Girl: The rain is the tears of Republicans.

–Hamilton Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: alex

High school chick on cell: The glaciers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it doesn’t rain… I don’t know, I haven’t read that far yet.

–Spring St

Overheard by: Dan

Suit on cell: It’s raining like a whore!

–Penn Station

You Complete Me, Wednesday One-Liners

Blonde coed: After he finished yelling at me for a solid ten minutes, he’s like, “So, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: simon

Middle school girl to boy: I don’t normally get with sixth graders, but you’re different…

–10th St & 1st Ave

Woman on cell: You are not listening to me. (pause) When you say whatever it is you’re bitching about’, I know that you are not actually listening to me.

–Riverside Park

Guy on cell: I don’t treat you quite as bad as you say.

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Flooey

Boyfriend, about girlfriend enthusiastically cheering on Colbert: Why don’t you scream like that for me?

–The Colbert Report Set

Party girl to friend: So I asked my priest, and he said “I think you should see other people.”

–Park Ave & 29th St

Overheard by: petey

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It in the Family

Guy on cell: Well, right now my brother and my girlfriend share a bedroom.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Daniel

Young nanny to six-year-old girl, crossing the street: What do you care about more, your brother or your scooter?

–76th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Sonny

Daughter to obnoxious mom: Just because you are a member of my family doesn’t mean I won’t backhand you.

–NYU Coles Sports Center

Overheard by: Maria

Man to woman, while crossing street: Look, all I’m saying is there are a lot of men who like your sister even more then they like you – and that’s saying a lot!

–6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Wemily

Wednesday One-Liners Smell Like Victory

One Hispanic lady to another: How you gonna give a kid with stinky feet Botox?

–R Train

Overheard by: Ferna

Smelly granola girl on cell: I dunno, maybe Wilco is too big to have an opening act. The show was, like, two days ago. (stops, sniffs armpit and winces) Fuck, I need a serious shower. I haven’t been home since the show. Doesn’t that suck? When you forget to clean up after a few days? (laughs to herself)

–McCarren Park

Overheard by: AleKatz

Woman on cell: It smells like college!

–BrewFest, South Street Seaport

Office student: It literally smells like my ass.

–CCNY Computer Lab

Girl: Nigga, you smell like the crack in my titties.

–Q Train

Dude on cell: Man, she came six times last night. It was crazy! (pause) We were soaking wet, but I didn’t mind. It was nice to see her enjoying it. (pause) No, it didn’t smell. It didn’t smell like anything.

–Union Square

Overheard by: who are these people?

Habitual Offender Wednesday One-Liners

Three white guys are dressed in prison uniforms.

Huge black guy: Those mothafuckas wouldn’t last a second in Attica.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: acep

Guy on cell: Jeff, it’s me. Quick question — when you get arrested, do you lose all of your civil liberties or just some? … ‘Cause these guys won’t leave me the fuck alone…

–Staten Island Ferry

Drunk Fordham student: Have you ever been in a Mexican prison? You have no idea what it’s like in a Mexican prison!

–Pugsley’s

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Lady on cell: He just graduated from culinary school, and he said he got the best job in the class. He’s the chef at Michigan State Prison.

–Broadway & Spring St

Girl, after lady bumps into her: I mean, if God bumps into me, that’s one thing — I wouldn’t say nothing, ’cause that’s God, you know? But she ain’t God, and I’m about to go to jail over her ass.

–Target, Brooklyn

Overheard by: santos

Read My Lips, Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: No I’m not bringing anything, this is not a date, it’s 10 o’clock on a Friday night. I’m bringing my vagina, that’s what I’m bringing.

–Court St & 2nd Place

Girl on cell: I mean, there’s nothing obviously wrong with my vagina!

–23rd & 7th

Girl on bike: I feel like I’ve had a pencil up my vagina for 10 hours!

–Hudson River Bike Path

Distraught NYU student: I’m covered in vaginal cream.

–NYU Dorm, Union Square

Overheard by: Erica Fuld

Hurried young guy on cell: Well, you can’t just sniff anyone’s vagina!

–W 52nd b/w 9th & 10th Ave

Gay on phone: But what does her vag look like?

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Liz

Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: You keep talking over me – it makes me want to punch you in the uterus.

–Ray’s Pizza, 52 & 8th

Overheard by: Jarett

Guy to friend: You keep referring to me as “that guy” and we’ll see how long you stay conscious.

–33rd & 7th

Nervous man seated against the wall: I don’t like this seat. I don’t like sitting here. I like to sit on the aisle. What if there’s a fight? I don’t want to be trapped in a place with a fight.

–Off-Broadway Theatre

Overheard by: Hannah

Ghetto chick: Can’t you get somebody else to fuck him up? Why you gotta do it?

–W Train

Overheard by: sara n.

Man: He was trying to turn his alcoholism into a positive thing instead of attacking the guy who raped his sister.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Slightly confused, yet intrigued…

Girl on cell: Remember that time you got into a fight with an inch worm?

–Chambers St

Overheard by: Shooty