Archive for the ‘On the Bus’ Category

Trans­la­tion: “God, I Need a Woman.”

Man: Yeah, my moth­er raised me right. I make sure I eat break­fast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sar­dines and grits every day.
Woman: Sar­dines?
Man: Hell, yes. Some­times I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don’t mat­ter if they just ate or noth­ing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usu­al­ly give them a lit­tle of what­ev­er I cook. You know, and then they ei­ther eat it or they don’t. They like turn their heads away if they don’t like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.

–B26 Bus, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Or Was That an Episode of M*A*S*H?

Old fart #1, af­ter an­oth­er ex­its bus: Did you hear that old fart? ‘Damn cell phones! Ough­ta be il­le­gal…’ I was talk­ing low! Not both­er­ing him!
Old fart #2: Mmm-hm­mm.
Old fart #1: Hey, the 92nd Street Y — that’s where I saw my first naked woman!
Old fart #2: When was that?
Old fart #1: When I was 46! … Nah, when I was 16 — draw­ing class… They were nurs­es.

–Bus, 86th St

Over­heard by: ste­phie

What is Hard­core? (NYC Short Sto­ries)

Girl: Wow, last night I was so drunk. I can’t be­lieve that I got so
wast­ed off on­ly a pint of gin. In first year I could drink like twice that amount and par­ty all night.
Guy: So you were hard­core then?
Girl: Naw, I was­n’t hard­core, I was just an id­iot.

–NYU A bus

Guy: Have you ever drank the worm?
Girl: Oh, hell yeah. And that’s hard­core ’cause I’m a veg­e­tar­i­an.

–Mc­Cabe’s Liquor Store, 3rd Av­enue

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Lunch Hour

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Sales­woman to cus­tomer on busy day: Some days you re­al­ly should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Loud black la­dy on cell: Moth­a­fuck­ah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some oth­er… [whis­pers] bitch.

–Mail room, Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on any­one else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Over­heard by: Eye­teeth

Con­duc­tor: Jes­si­ca! Jes­si­ca! Girl, you on this train. Jes­si­ca Eliz­a­beth! I’m tak­ing you home, girl.

–6 train

Over­heard by: frida­holic