Archive for the ‘On the Subway’ Category

Does Psy­cho Killer Start with P?

Girl: I’m think­ing of an an­i­mal that starts with a P.
Guy: Por­cu­pine?
Girl: No. Wait, are those big smears of blood all over that sub­way map?
Guy: I think they’re paint.
Girl: They’re to­tal­ly blood.
Guy: [looks hard­er] Yeah, you’re to­tal­ly right… Pen­guin?
Girl: Nope!

–1 train

Over­heard by: djlindee

A Re­al­ly Hor­ri­ble Per­son Would­n’t Have Used the Con­doms

Hip­ster #1: I can’t be­lieve you went home with that fat NYU chick last night.
Hip­ster #2: Yeah, I was out-of-my-mind drunk. But I to­tal­ly vin­di­cat­ed my­self im­me­di­ate­ly af­ter.
Hip­ster #1: Yeah?
Hip­ster #2: We must have wok­en up her hot blond suit­e­m­ate when she screamed out “Oh my God, fuck me with your gi­ant cock!“
Hip­ster #1: And how do you know?
Hip­ster #2: Be­cause af­ter­ward, she passed out, and I went out to her liv­ing room to have a smoke, and her room­mate came out in her PJs to join me for a smoke. Then I banged her on the couch.
Hip­ster #1: That’s awe­some.
Hip­ster #2: Yeah. The fun­ni­est part was, I snuck back in­to her room when she was passed out and stole some con­doms from her draw­er.
Hip­ster #1: You’re a hor­ri­ble per­son.
Hip­ster #2: I know.

–L train

Over­heard by: Slap­py McGee

And, by the Way, ‘Gram­mat­i­cal­ly Cor­rect­ly’ Is Need­less­ly Re­dun­dant

Bel­liger­ent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be try­ing!
Bel­liger­ent white woman: You should speak gra­mat­i­cal­ly cor­rect­ly!
Smar­tass: “I be try­ing” is­n’t un­gram­mat­i­cal. It’s stan­dard us­age in African-Amer­i­can ver­nac­u­lar Eng­lish.
Bel­liger­ent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smar­tass: I have a Ph.D. in lin­guis­tics from MIT.

–A train

Be a Good Sport, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor, on loud­speak­er: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watch­ing the Su­per Bowl on­ly for the com­mer­cials. The Gi­ants are go­ing to be so far ahead of… the oth­er team… it’ll be a bor­ing game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the com­mer­cials are go­ing to be great!

–A train

Over­heard by: love this con­duc­tor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black bas­ket­ball play­ers are bet­ter than white ones? Be­cause Je­sus was black, so they’re like Je­sus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Su­per Bowl! Su­per bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Su­per Bowl’? Did­n’t you ever think about how stu­pid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Over­heard by: There­sa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cow­boys game with­out the cheer­lead­ers. There go half the male tick­et hold­ers.

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Guy who is clear­ly not Eli Man­ning: What do I do? My name is Eli Man­ning, and I play for the New York Gi­ants.

–Up­per West Side

Guy ran­dom­ly wipes out on the side­walk, flat on his stom­ach with arms stretched out in front of him. Every­one stares.

Near­by cop: Safe!

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ba­nana­phone

Wheres­day One-Lin­ers

NYU guy to tourist friends: Well, here’s Grand Cen­tral!

–Broad­way & Wa­ver­ly

Guy on Side­kick to an­oth­er: I was­n’t sure if he was talk­ing about Buf­fa­lo or Bal­ti­more! I mean, I don’t even know where Buf­fa­lo is! Is it a state?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: amalthya

Ditzy girl sob­bing on cell: You don’t un­der­stand! They told me I was sup­posed to go to Penn Sta­tion but I just don’t know where that is!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: queenof­s­cots

Guy on cell: I don’t get it–why go all the way to Ire­land if you’re not go­ing to go see Stone­henge?

–Cost­co, Brook­lyn

Girl­friend to boyfriend: Is this Times Square?

–85th & 1st

Over­heard by: Spe­cial K