Man: I just don't know why it had to be so dramatic.
Woman: Joe, she kicked me in the face. Twice.
–R Train
Overheard by: LH
Archive for the ‘On the Subway’ Category
His Next Move Was to Ask a Friendly Police Officer Where He Could Procure Some
Foreigner, showing bong: And here is what I bought today.
Ghetto kid: Yeah, whatcha gonna put in there? Tobacco?
Foreigner: Yes, I put the tobacco in here. The tobacco.
Ghetto kid: No, man. You gotta put some weed in there. You ever heard of weed?
Foreigner: Weed? No…weed? I don’t understand.
Ghetto kid: Get some weed. You put a little weed in there, smoke it up, and you’re set.
Foreigner: Yes, thank you. Weed.
–Brooklyn bound B train
Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl
His Bowels Found It Moving
Guy #1: Dude, I just shit in my pants.
Guy #2: My story wasn’t that funny.
Guy #1: No, I really took a shit in my pants.
–N train
Less Than Truthful Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. I promise it will never. happen. again.
–uptown C train
Man screaming on cell : Nah, I didn’t lie to you about nuthin’. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho’ wouldn’t tell you about it!
–43rd & 6th
Overheard by: C Mike
Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother– Shut Yo' Mouth!
Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.
–Rare View Bar
Overheard by: white guy
Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.
–R Train
Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!
–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.
–Midtown
Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!
–Union Square
Overheard by: CJ
Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.
–37th & 7th
She’ll Need It When She Gets Her Ass Kicked
A woman on a crowded train has put her bag on a seat and is standing in front of it.
Girl: Are you going to sit down?
Lady: Yes.
Girl: When?
Lady: Soon. I’m warming it up.
–A train
Overheard by: LSB
Are You Tired Of Non-Cooking Sluts?
Thug #1: Does she love you?
Thug #2: I know she loves me. She did my dishes!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Lauren
Mary Magdalene Was a Preppy Asian Chick?
Preppy Asian girl #1: Look! The crazy religious people gave me a key chain.
Preppy Asian girl #2: What's it say?
Preppy Asian girl #1: That I'm number one with Jesus.
Preppy Asian girl #2: I don't think Jesus will appreciate the fact that you're a slut.
–N Train
Children Shouldn’t Be Kicked at All
Girl #1: You want to hear something crazy? My sister, you know she’s pregnant with her second kid, right? The baby’s due date is the same exact day as her first kid’s birthday.
Girl #2: That’s so crazy. Maybe they only kick it once a year.
–6 train
Those Wacky Homeless
Hobo: It’s not like I even mean to keep talking. I don’t wanna keep talking. They fucked up when they started making Taco Bell Doritos. They take away the molasses! Why? Because they know I like it. I smoked crack with the FBI. Hasta la vista, nigger. Next time I see you, I’m gonna blow crack smoke into your head, you fucking bitch.
–W Train