Archive for the ‘On the Subway’ Category

What Day Do We Post Wednesday One-Liners?

Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?

–1 Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Nora

Hot dog vendor: To go?

–Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Chrissy

Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?

–Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York

Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?

–Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St

Overheard by: Dianora

20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?

–Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park

Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn’t it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn’t food?

–W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Conductor: Next stop is…where am I?

–Uptown 1 Train

The Literal Opposite of “#1 Dad”

Guy #1: Bitches are all emotional, guys use their head. That is why I call emotional guys “bitches.”
Guy #2: Word.
Guy #1: But bitches are crazy, they will call the cops on you now. They will slap themselves in the face and when the cops show up they will point at you.
Guy #2: Fo’ sho’.
Guy #1: That is why I ain’t got no kids. I don’t want a bunch of my seed running around and people calling me a scumbag because I don’t take care of my kids. Bitch will turn on you for that child support.
Guys #2: I know my girl ain’t gonna be doing that because she know I’m only making minimum wage.

–1 train

I’d Give an Arm and a Leg for a Wednesday One-Liner

Young society reject to same: You’re the psycho-freak out! You touch people’s ears at random!

–AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center

Overheard by: G‑Lime

A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.

–Forham University

Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn’t attached to my neck!

–A Train

Overheard by: Don

Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.

–Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem

Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.

–1250 Broadway

Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!

–44th & Lexington

A Typical Saturday Night for David Hasselhoff

Angry drunk yelling at man: Fuck you! Fuck your mother! I hope you die, you piece of shit!
Angry drunk’s girlfriend: Will you just calm down?
Angry drunk: No, fuck that! I hope he dies! I hope his mother dies! I’ll fucking go back in time and terminate his mother!
Brave stranger: (laughs)
Angry drunk: What the fuck are you laughing at motherfucker?
Brave stranger: Going back in time and terminating his mother.
Angry drunk: Well, okay, that is funny… I like that movie too. (pause) Fuck him, I hope he dies!

–Q Train