Archive for the ‘On the Subway’ Category

Lind­say Reps Her Own Urine These Days

Hobo putting hand on Justin Tim­ber­lake look-alike’s shoul­der: Oh, shit! It’s Justin Tim­ber­lake, every­body!
Look-alike: Uh, what?
Tourist teeny­bop­per: Can I have your au­to­graph, please?
Look-alike: I’m not Justin Tim­ber­lake.
Tourist teeny­bop­per: But you are.
Hobo, to look-alike: Dude, you work with me here, okay? We’ll do busi­ness. [To train] Ten bucks for Justin Tim­ber­lake’s au­to­graph, every­one! For 20 bucks he’ll dance for you.
Tourist teeny­bop­per: I have five dol­lars…
Hobo: We’re in busi­ness!
Look-alike: I’m go­ing to kill you.
Hobo, to look-alike: Damn, this is the best plan I’ve ever come up with! Ex­cept for the time I tried to sell Lind­say Lo­han’s piss for 20 bucks. Well, it was ac­tu­al­ly my own piss. I think God put me on this Earth to fuck with peo­ple.

–4 train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are One Baaaad Moth­er– Shut Yo’ Mouth!

Cute JAP talk­ing about all the stuff she gets: I don’t need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Over­heard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Lis­ten, John. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom.

–R Train

An­noy­ing 40-some­thing new mom: A good mom al­ways has a di­a­per in her pock­et!

–Barnes & No­ble, 18th & 5th

Over­heard by: I Am McLovey

Cowork­er: I got a boot­leg moth­er.

–Mid­town

Win­dow-shop­ping tourist to wife: Look, hon­ey! It’s the dress your moth­er wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Moth­er’s Day and she yells at me for not call­ing her for Moth­er’s Day like my broth­er did. So I go out­side and call her from my cell and say “hap­py Moth­er’s Day!” and she yells at me for be­ing an id­iot.

–37th & 7th

We Call Our Act “The Aris­to­crats”

Four-year-old kid, pick­ing nose: Mom! Mom! [Kid holds out booger.]Mom: Where the fuck did you get that? Your nose? What the fuck do I want that for?
Four-year-old kid: Um­mm…
Mom: That’s fuck­ing gross! Drop that shit! [Mom grabs kid’s wrist and shakes vig­or­ous­ly un­til booger is dropped.] Now, give me a chip! [Kid gives mom a chip with booger hand.]

–A train

Over­heard by: Adam Tet­zloff

How Could This Not Work?

Odd-Look­ing guy: At­ten­tion, hu­mans. I am an an­gel. An Earth an­gel. I used to speak on be­half of Je­sus Christ, but I have been pro­mot­ed to be an an­gel on Earth, to teach oth­ers how to be­come earth an­gels. I can teach you how to be­come an Earth an­gel. I can on­ly teach fe­males.

–Down­town 6 train

Over­heard by: Shi­ra