Archive for the ‘On the Subway’ Category

And Mom­ma Bear Said, “This Ad­vice Is Too Friend­ly”

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, due to an ear­li­er in­ci­dent, all Sixth Av­enue line trains are run­ning over the Eighth Av­enue line. Please be pa­tient.
Con­fused tourist la­dy: What does that even mean? I don’t un­der­stand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the or­ange line you trans­fer at the next sta­tion like nor­mal, but in­stead of go­ing down­stairs you just wait on that plat­form for the train you want.
Mid­dle-aged woman across aisle: They’re not or­ange line trains. It’s the B, the D, the F and the V. Re­al New York­ers don’t call it the or­ange line.
Suit: Hey, la­dy, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

–E train ap­proach­ing W 4th St

Does Psy­cho Killer Start with P?

Girl: I’m think­ing of an an­i­mal that starts with a P.
Guy: Por­cu­pine?
Girl: No. Wait, are those big smears of blood all over that sub­way map?
Guy: I think they’re paint.
Girl: They’re to­tal­ly blood.
Guy: [looks hard­er] Yeah, you’re to­tal­ly right… Pen­guin?
Girl: Nope!

–1 train

Over­heard by: djlindee

A Re­al­ly Hor­ri­ble Per­son Would­n’t Have Used the Con­doms

Hip­ster #1: I can’t be­lieve you went home with that fat NYU chick last night.
Hip­ster #2: Yeah, I was out-of-my-mind drunk. But I to­tal­ly vin­di­cat­ed my­self im­me­di­ate­ly af­ter.
Hip­ster #1: Yeah?
Hip­ster #2: We must have wok­en up her hot blond suit­e­m­ate when she screamed out “Oh my God, fuck me with your gi­ant cock!“
Hip­ster #1: And how do you know?
Hip­ster #2: Be­cause af­ter­ward, she passed out, and I went out to her liv­ing room to have a smoke, and her room­mate came out in her PJs to join me for a smoke. Then I banged her on the couch.
Hip­ster #1: That’s awe­some.
Hip­ster #2: Yeah. The fun­ni­est part was, I snuck back in­to her room when she was passed out and stole some con­doms from her draw­er.
Hip­ster #1: You’re a hor­ri­ble per­son.
Hip­ster #2: I know.

–L train

Over­heard by: Slap­py McGee

And, by the Way, ‘Gram­mat­i­cal­ly Cor­rect­ly’ Is Need­less­ly Re­dun­dant

Bel­liger­ent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be try­ing!
Bel­liger­ent white woman: You should speak gra­mat­i­cal­ly cor­rect­ly!
Smar­tass: “I be try­ing” is­n’t un­gram­mat­i­cal. It’s stan­dard us­age in African-Amer­i­can ver­nac­u­lar Eng­lish.
Bel­liger­ent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smar­tass: I have a Ph.D. in lin­guis­tics from MIT.

–A train