Archive for the ‘One-liners’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Spell It “Am­i­nals”

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Hang Weird Shit on Their Mir­rors

Cab dri­ver, get­ting cut off: Yeah, dri­ve like you want that cheese­burg­er!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Cab­bie: I got in some trou­ble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I nev­er re­al­ized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets bet­ter than my own clos­et! (laughs)

–Cab, Broad­way & Hous­ton

Cab dri­ver to col­league who just honked af­ter he stopped for a pedes­tri­an: What, you want me to kill him?

–Bat­tery Park

Mid­dle East­ern cab dri­ver: I used to have a video store in Wash­ing­ton Heights. But the black bas­tard put me out of busi­ness! Can you be­lieve it? Af­ter ten years the black bas­tard put me out of busi­ness! Do you now the black bas­tard on Dy­ck­man? C’­mon! Every­body knows the back bas­tard! Black bas­tard! Black bas­tard video!

–Cab, Wash­ing­ton Heights

Over­heard by: Gene Gray

Cab dri­ver: When you dri­ve for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of dri­vers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Over­heard by: Fi­as­co

La­dy In Red

Woman (wear­ing red pants & with red fin­ger­nails): I just made the great­est dis­cov­ery: if I al­ways dress in red, then I will al­ways match and al­ways look good! I’m now in the mid­dle of get­ting rid of all my old cloth­ing and buy­ing on­ly red cloth­ing.

– Sub­way

The Un­bear­able Light­ness Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Rasta­far­i­an man to white bas­ket­ball fe­male play­er with dreads: Hey! Why you white peo­ple al­ways try­ing to look like me!

–Union Square

Black guy sell­ing Em­pire State Build­ing tick­ets: You’re from Scot­land? I love the Scots… They’re pu­u­u­u­u­u­ur­rreee white!

–Out­side Em­pire State Build­ing

Black woman to an­oth­er, about frat guys near­by: Man, white peo­ple are so loud.

–109th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Becks

Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neigh­bor­hood with your white crotch! You don’t be­long here!

–Up­per West Side

Black woman to cops walk­ing away: But I’m a Cau­casian!

–Bed-Stuy

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need a Pam­prin

Woman: When it’s a tam­pon, you can stick it any­where.

–59th St

Over­heard by: Rich

Woman on cell: …and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached in­to the toi­let and squeezed it to make sure it was­n’t a ba­by…

–13th & Broad­way

20-Some­thing chick: My shit bled like it’s nev­er bled be­fore.

–El­e­va­tor, 57th & 6th

Over­heard by: Matt

Mul­let­ed queer: Imag­ine if Vir­ginia Slims de­signed a tam­pon!–Bush­wick, Brook­lynOver­heard by: ‘nuther black char­lie chap­lin

Cre­ative ge­nius: Just imag­ine if I had a tam­pon gun!

–St. Mark’s

Woman on cell: Well, you can’t just go hand­ing out san­i­tary nap­kins to every­one!

–15th & Union Square East

Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was go­ing for it, and I was like, “No, ba­by, I can’t tonight,” and he was like, “Why?” and I was like, “I got it to­day,” and he was like, “Aww, then noth­ing for a whole week!”

–CVS, 58th & 9th

Over­heard by: Kate Melvin

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Have Cool Spiny Backs and Tiny Tiny Brains

Woman: That movie’s so stu­pid! They got King Kong and the di­nosaurs fight­ing even though they are from dif­fer­ent cen­turies.

–Ma­ma’s Piz­za, 106th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Kyle T

Teen girl: You know, I don’t think I even be­lieve in di­nosaurs.

–Star­bucks, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Paul

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Feel a Lot Bet­ter Now

Guy to friends: A girl fart­ed on my head once, and I dat­ed her for three years.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: MC

Woman to friend: And then he fart­ed in my mouth.

–Ding Dong Lounge

Over­heard by: Ros­alind

Hobo, fart­ing loud­ly, turn­ing at girl walk­ing be­hind him: That’s for you, you fuck­ing bitch!

–Yel­low Line Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Craigalanche

Lati­na on cell, firm­ly: I’m not bi-cu­ri­ous, I’m just fart-cu­ri­ous

–49th & 5th

Over­heard by: ol­ga

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eat­ing Crack­er Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I fin­ished the box, I fart­ed in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week lat­er, I got the sur­prise of my life!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: nel­la