Archive for the ‘One-liners’ Category

You Can’t Judge a Wednes­day by Its One-Lin­er

Col­lege stu­dent: This is the best Barnes & No­ble I’ve ever seen!

–Bor­ders, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Stu­dent: So, the au­thor of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re call­ing him L‑train.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hark­er

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m read­ing. It’s off the hook! They’re send­ing in this un­der­cov­er agent, and I think it’s his sis­ter, but he’s all get­ting ready to have sex with her!

–White Cas­tle, 36th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & No­ble. (pause) Nig­ga, I can read!

–Union Square

Lit­tle British boy: Oh my good­ness, dad, look! They have books on dat­ing. How to Date? is prob­a­bly like, “Don’t take her to Mc­Don­ald’s!”

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Tat­tooed art­sy guy, putting hand on art­sy Asian girl’s shoul­der: I read your book and re­al­ly liked it… lot­ta piss­ing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Lunch Hour

The Sum Of All Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman on cell: And when my broth­er got near him, his poop came out. That’s how scared he was.

–107th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are re­al­ly scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark re­al­ly loud, and that’s to­tal­ly worse than them bit­ing you.

–Ma­jes­tic The­ater

Girl on cell: I went in for ge­net­ic coun­sel­ing and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Over­heard by: Todd Fletch­er

Girl on cell: No, you can’t go! I’m too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Su­per­mar­ket, As­to­ria

Con­duc­tor: Nev­er fear! The phan­tom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Alex

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad

Wednes­day, with a One-Lin­er Chas­er

Fe­male day-drink­ing tourist: Oh shit, I left my vod­ka in the church!

–Out­side Trin­i­ty Church

Man on cell: If it’s pos­si­ble to fer­ment it, we have fer­ment­ed it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Mid­dle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the oth­er. I’m like that. My blad­der has room for the equiv­a­lent of one good cock­tail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Over­heard by: Ah.…middle age

Com­muter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Old drunk walk­ing in­to a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my pre­scrip­tion?

–Broad­way & 106th St

Over­heard by: rick­bruner

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

Wednes­days Are Pro­found­ly One-Linered

Yan­kees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yan­kees sta­di­um I’ll be like a re­tard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Da­nial

Po­lice of­fi­cer in van, on loud­speak­er: Move to the right! (peo­ple in cars ig­nore the or­der) Re­tards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, rant­i­ng: You can’t have sex with peo­ple who aren’t re­tard­ed be­cause they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Over­heard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I nev­er said that I was­n’t re­tard­ed. Tech­ni­cal­ly, I’m not a hyp­ocrite.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Ju­lia

Heav­i­ly made-up girl: Do you think re­tard­ed peo­ple are, like, con­cep­tu­al­ly aware that they’re re­tard­ed?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a re­tard­ed Jack Rus­sell Ter­ri­er is com­plete­ly for­eign to me, be­cause as I re­call, Wish­bone was ex­cep­tion­al­ly well-read.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty