Guy: The thing is, when you’re a pothead all of your friends are going to be potheads because when you’re out of pot, that’s who you’re going to call.
–The Magician, Rivington Street
Archive for the ‘One-liners’ Category
Wednesday One-liners Spell It “Aminals”
Guy: …and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.
–Fulton & Gold
Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors
Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!
–Columbus Circle
Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)
–Cab, Broadway & Houston
Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?
–Battery Park
Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C’mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!
–Cab, Washington Heights
Overheard by: Gene Gray
Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.
–Queens
Overheard by: Fiasco
Lady In Red
Woman (wearing red pants & with red fingernails): I just made the greatest discovery: if I always dress in red, then I will always match and always look good! I’m now in the middle of getting rid of all my old clothing and buying only red clothing.
– Subway
Wednesday One-liners Are All About Location
Mom: Don’t think of it as losing a friend…but as gaining a holiday destination.
–A train
Overheard by: Clacky
The Annunciation of Wednesday One-liners
Woman: I always thought the Purple Pieman was Satan. Isn’t that one of his many names?
–K‑mart, West 34th Street
Overheard by: CC
The Unbearable Lightness Of Wednesday One-Liners
Rastafarian man to white basketball female player with dreads: Hey! Why you white people always trying to look like me!
–Union Square
Black guy selling Empire State Building tickets: You’re from Scotland? I love the Scots… They’re puuuuuuurrreee white!
–Outside Empire State Building
Black woman to another, about frat guys nearby: Man, white people are so loud.
–109th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Becks
Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neighborhood with your white crotch! You don’t belong here!
–Upper West Side
Black woman to cops walking away: But I’m a Caucasian!
–Bed-Stuy
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Pamprin
Woman: When it’s a tampon, you can stick it anywhere.
–59th St
Overheard by: Rich
Woman on cell: …and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached into the toilet and squeezed it to make sure it wasn’t a baby…
–13th & Broadway
20-Something chick: My shit bled like it’s never bled before.
–Elevator, 57th & 6th
Overheard by: Matt
Mulleted queer: Imagine if Virginia Slims designed a tampon!–Bushwick, BrooklynOverheard by: ‘nuther black charlie chaplin
Creative genius: Just imagine if I had a tampon gun!
–St. Mark’s
Woman on cell: Well, you can’t just go handing out sanitary napkins to everyone!
–15th & Union Square East
Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was going for it, and I was like, “No, baby, I can’t tonight,” and he was like, “Why?” and I was like, “I got it today,” and he was like, “Aww, then nothing for a whole week!”
–CVS, 58th & 9th
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Wednesday One-liners Have Cool Spiny Backs and Tiny Tiny Brains
Woman: That movie’s so stupid! They got King Kong and the dinosaurs fighting even though they are from different centuries.
–Mama’s Pizza, 106th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Kyle T
Teen girl: You know, I don’t think I even believe in dinosaurs.
–Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Paul
Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Lot Better Now
Guy to friends: A girl farted on my head once, and I dated her for three years.
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: MC
Woman to friend: And then he farted in my mouth.
–Ding Dong Lounge
Overheard by: Rosalind
Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That’s for you, you fucking bitch!
–Yellow Line Subway Station
Overheard by: Craigalanche
Latina on cell, firmly: I’m not bi-curious, I’m just fart-curious
–49th & 5th
Overheard by: olga
Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!
–1 Train
Overheard by: nella
