Archive for the ‘One Night Stand’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Out the Door Be­fore the Con­dom Comes Off

Build­ing work­er on cell: Like her? No, I don’t like her. I have to like every girl that I bone? Ter­ri­ble? Why is that ter­ri­ble?

–52nd St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: blat­to

Guy on cell: I’m look­ing for some­one to, ex­cuse my lan­guage, fuck, not just have sex with.

–Man­hat­tan Ave

Over­heard by: Ja­son

Eu­ro­trash: So then I felt bad be­cause he could­n’t guess who I was and so I gave him a hint. I told him I would meet him at six o’­clock at the mo­tel, be­cause you know, that was like our place!

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy: You sleep with them once and they ex­pect you to bring your tooth­brush and loofa over the next time.

–Tad’s Mon­tana

Over­heard by: Mishen

Girl on cell: Re­mem­ber how I was talk­ing to that guy in Lon­don? Well, he’s com­ing to vis­it for five days. Yeah, it’s gonna be fun. I’ve de­cid­ed, af­ter he leaves, I’m not go­ing to talk to him any­more. What’s the point? It’s not even a re­la­tion­ship, it’s a pseu­do-re­la­tion­ship. You fight and get mad and what for? I’m not mov­ing to Lon­don, he’s not mov­ing to New York. Yeah, so we’ll have fun, and then when he leaves, I just won’t talk to him any­more. How is that shady?

–N train, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Mis­sPinkKate

Girl: Yeah, I feel like I’m ban­gin’ the whole world!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle sub­way ex­it

Noth­ing Like Be­ing Dou­ble-Teamed by the Clas­sics

Drunk cus­tomer: What kind of drunk re­turn pol­i­cy do you have?
Cashier: It’s a 14-day re­turn pol­i­cy.
Drunk cus­tomer: That’s not much of a drunk pol­i­cy. Most guys get drunk and wake up next to women they re­gret the next day. Me? I wake up next to Dos­toievsky and Dick­ens af­ter a ben­der. I love New York!

–Barnes & No­ble, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Ran­dom

I Won’t Blow Any­body Who Casts a Shad­ow

Trendy hip­ster: We went back to his place and I end­ed up go­ing down on him.
Trendy hip­ster’s friend: What? Not a month ago, I asked you if you two were gonna hook up and you said “No way!” I call slut!
Trendy hip­ster: He’s go­ing back home soon, so I was like, “what­ev­er.” You’d do the same thing, too. You know it.
Trendy hip­ster’s friend: But… I’m a ve­g­an.

–Union & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers by Dr. Ruth

Woman to male com­pan­ion: I told you about that guy I ac­ci­den­tal­ly slept with, right?

–Bar at Sushi Sam­ba, 7th Ave

Over­heard by: David Rus­so

Girl to friend: Be­cause it is more than just, sex­u­al, you know? (pause) Well, ac­tu­al­ly, it’s not, but…

–14th b/w 6th & 7th

Man to woman: You know Mesopotami­an sex? That’s me.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Man walk­ing dog on cell: My num­ber one con­quest since com­ing here was a 21-year-old Na­tive Amer­i­can.

–27th & Broad­way

Girl on cell: Mom, how am I sup­posed to have sex on a bed that has wheels?

–15th St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Steve Hof­stet­ter

Guy: So I fucked her on a bench, but I did­n’t fin­ish, be­cause I kept telling her about my girl­friend and how much I love her. So she got pissed of and took a taxi home to her par­ents.

–5th Ave

40-some­thing man: Just tell that land­lord that you don’t need no elec­tric­i­ty or no ca­ble be­cause you gonna be makin’ love all the damn time!

–14th St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: tracey

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Just Do It

20-some­thing on cell: So yeah, I hit a new low. So you know how I had sex with Dan, Steve and Dave? Well, I to­tal­ly just han­dled my friend from work who is mar­ried and we did it in his daugh­ter’s bed. If that does­nt say I’m crazy, I dont know what does? (pause) Are you kid­ding me? His wife nev­er gives it up, that man bust­ed four times in a mat­ter of min­utes.
(pause). Well, that’s now four men this week who said I have the best pussy they’ve had.

–159th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: mor­gan

Girl: She was fuck­ing every­body in this city–and no one even liked her!

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Over­heard by: bRon­wyn

20-some­thing man to girl­friend: You’re a grown woman! I can’t help it if you’re a whore!

–7 Train

Over­heard by: becky z‑dub

Girl on cell: Wait, so you and Sky­lar are dat­ing now? Ahh, so ex­cit­ing! (pause) No, you did­n’t al­ready tell me. You said that you woke up next to him. Since when does that mean you’re dat­ing some­one?

–Bed­ford & 8th

20-some­thing blonde on phone: All those peo­ple who laugh and snig­ger at you on­ly do it be­cause they too have ex­pe­ri­enced the walk of shame.

–Christo­pher & Bleeck­er

Man on phone: I can’t be con­stant­ly won­der­ing who you’re sleep­ing with! I tell you, I’m tired, I’m old, and I can’t do what I’m sup­posed to do. I’m a good 60, but I ain’t good enough to be wak­ing up every­day and chas­ing you around!

–Cof­fee shop, Crown Heights

Over­heard by: Er­ic

Hip­ster on cell: I don’t see what’s so wrong with go­ing up to some­one on the street and say­ing, “hey, what’s up? Let’s fuck!” I do it all the time!

–Great Hall, Coop­er Union

Over­heard by: NYUTSOA12

I Found the Hole, Looked In­side and Found My Dig­ni­ty, All Pale and Wrin­kled

Cowork­er #1: Man, last night was a big night. I don’t even re­mem­ber what hap­pened af­ter two. I woke up next to a half-eat­en piz­za.
Cowork­er #2: Yeah, I woke up next to a half-in­flat­ed blow-up doll. I had to sub­merge her in wa­ter in the morn­ing to find the hole.

–Bar, LES

Head­line by: like an al­bi­no shame-raisen

Run­ners-Up:
· “Be­tween La­tex and Pep­per­oni Lies Ine­bri­a­tion. By Calvin Klein” — Dan
· “He Was a Sharp One.” — C‑in-OH
· “Just Like When I Lost My Vir­gin­i­ty, Ex­cept This Time I Did­n’t Kill Her” — Sil­ver­fish
· “Pies and Dolls” — Mikkel Hun­de­wadt-Jensen
· “Star Trek Con­ven­tion: The Morn­ing Af­ter” — nicky c.

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