Archive for the ‘Only in New York’ Category

Non-Re­cy­clable Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor: Please throw away your news­pa­pers and garbage in the trash cans on sta­tion plat­forms and know that the trash cans can on­ly hold two hu­man bod­ies at a time.

–LIRR

New York Post guy: New York Post! Free New York Post! (hands huge stack of pa­pers to passer­by) Thanks, broth­er. Just throw the rest in the trash can down the block.

–40th & 6th

Car­riage dri­ver to horse: You see that chest­nut? That’s called “Eu­ro­trash.”

–Cen­tral Park South

Over­heard by: Andy

Gi­ant old man to scream­ing and jump­ing chil­dren: You look like Garbage Pail Kids. Stop it.

–Madi­son & Nos­trand, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: g

Con­duc­tor: Please place any­one who has be­come garbage en route in the ap­pro­pri­ate re­cep­ta­cle.

–R Train

Over­heard by: Jess

Woman walk­ing down the street with a small bag of garbage: Fuck it. (drops bag of garbage non­cha­lant­ly, keeps walk­ing)

–W 19th

Scenes from the Strike

Suit: Where are you go­ing?
Guy: Why does it mat­ter to you? I nev­er got in some­one else’s cab be­fore.
Suit: How about an area: Mid­town, Down­town, West Side?
Guy: Maybe if you got in­to a cab on a down­town av­enue and not 2nd Av­enue, you would have your own cab.

–Cab, 75th & 2nd

Over­heard by: The front seat

When We Took Your Wal­let and Di­vid­ed It Up Amongst Us, for In­stance.

Drunk guy in full New Year re­galia: Well, I’m from fuckin’ Penn­syl­va­nia and I nev­er seen any­thing like this! This shit is fan­tas­tic! Woo!
Ir­ri­tat­ed sober woman: Re­al­ly? No one on this train had any idea you weren’t from New York!

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

The Ug­ly Busi­ness of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Ag­i­tat­ed pa­pi: I love him like a broth­er, but he a fuckin’ in­con­sid­er­ate, un­grate­ful, self­ish bas­tard! And he got a ug­ly ba­by!

–14th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Man­hattman

Young Kid: New York is ug­ly!

–JFK

Over­heard by: La­toya Sir­atana

Wise teen girl: That’s not giv­ing up on him. That’s let­ting him fuck ugli­er girls.

–Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: walk­ing the bridge

Gig­gling lit­tle girl in stroller: I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly…!

–Down­town R train

Old­er woman to com­plete stranger: You should re­al­ly stop eat­ing that crap be­cause it’s go­ing to make you ugli­er than you al­ready are!

–Fair­way, W 73rd St

Over­heard by: just try­ing to buy my gro­ceries…

B&T guy: As I was say­ing, just ’cause you’re ug­ly, don’t mean you’re smart.

–Low­er East Side

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

NYC Rules Re­quire at Least One Per­son to Drop the F‑Bomb

Hot hip­pie chick: Ex­cuse me, you need a hand?
Old blind man: Nah, I’m just get­ting to the n train. Thanks so much, though!
Hot hip­pie chick: Al­right, you have a great day!
Blind man: Same to you!
Over­look­ing suit to friend: Nice New Yorkers…they just blow my mind.

–Union Square Sub­way Sta­tion