Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Panhandling’ Category

Night Train, Thun­der­bird and Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Crazy hobo with gui­tar to stranger: Damn… you in­vit­ed a lot of peo­ple.

–1 Train

Hobo to young mar­ried cou­ple: I have found the promised land. Se­ri­ous­ly. I’d get a plane tick­et right now, but it’d be cheap­er to go to con­fes­sion for a week and then get hit by a bus. Re­mind me to tell you about this lat­er.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Oliv­er

Grimy hobo: Hey, do you guys have any change? Hey, do you guys have any change?
(20-some­thing girl walks past him, with busi­ness­man a few steps be­hind) Hey, do you guys want to have sex? Uh, I mean…

–W 3rd & Thomp­son

Hobo, tak­ing do­na­tions to help the home­less, count­ing coins: 25…50…60… (grabs fist­ful of coins sticks in pock­et) Tax re­bate!

–Union Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Thank God for Their Pig­gy Banks

Lit­tle boy,jumping up and down: The Dow Jones is up! The Dow Jones is up!

–86th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Some Ran­dom Girl

Crazy man, shout­ing at no one in par­tic­u­lar: Fuck the econ­o­my, your ass­hole just dropped 200 points!

–8th Ave & 19th St

Slack­er on a smoke break: Yeah, Mc­Cain said he is go­ing to sus­pend his cam­paign so that he can work on the econ­o­my. I mean, re­al­ly. It would be like me say­ing I’m sus­pend­ing my pot dis­tri­b­u­tion so that I can work on quan­tum physics.

–For­est Ave., Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: po­lit­i­cal lis­ten­er

Hobo on sub­way to man in suit: Spare change? Any­one? Spare change for the home­less? You look like you worked for Lehman Broth­ers, you’re ex­cused.

–51st St

Over­heard by: Kate

If You’re Against Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Don’t Have One

Opera di­rec­tor, af­ter tech sticks a wire hang­er un­der the ther­mo­stat box to turn up the heat: Well, some­one just got an abor­tion! (every­one stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brook­lyn Mu­sic School

Com­e­dy club pro­mot­er: Cheap­er than a Chi­nese abor­tion!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Mick­ey

Bar cus­tomer to bar­tender: You’re on­ly 22? I have an abort­ed fe­tus that’s old­er than you!

–110th & Am­s­ter­dam

Man sell­ing tick­ets: Help me pay for my girl­friend’s abor­tion by com­ing to the com­e­dy club!

–Times Square

Man to very preg­nant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had got­ten an abor­tion.

–D Train

Over­heard by: blis­tex­ad­dict

How Do They Taste?

Hobo: Can any­one spare some change? Please, I’m home­less and hun­gry.
British tourist #1: Is that the same bloke from the ear­li­er train?
British tourist #2: No, I think it’s a woman.
British tourist #1: Oh! Poor thing. I wish we had a brassiere to give her.

–F train

The Man Has Earned His Quar­ter

De­cent­ly dressed man, who does­n’t look like he needs a quar­ter: Does any­one have a quar­ter? Does any­one have a quar­ter?
(no re­sponse, he sits down)
De­cent­ly dressed man, sound­ing like ra­dio an­nounc­er: You’re lis­ten­ing to pow­er 105… Pow­er 105… You’ve got the pow­er… Pow­er 105… Pow­er 105…
(lights cig­a­rette, and be­gins stand­ing on one foot in cen­ter of car with his arms stretched out)
Lit­tle girl to fa­ther: Wow, dad­dy… He’s good!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: john­ny­toma­toes

Wednes­days Feel Vir­tu­ous When They Don’t Eat One-Lin­ers

Weird hobo: Ladies and gen­tle­man, I am a dis­abled Viet­nam vet. I’m ask­ing help from all of you so I don’t wind up on the streets. While in Viet­nam, I was ex­posed to Agent Or­ange, which caused me my disability–I be­came a veg­e­tar­i­an.

–Down­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: An Amused For­mer Veg­e­tar­i­an

Ag­ing hip­pie to woman spout­ing PE­TA pro­pa­gan­da: I’ve been a ve­g­an for 30 years. You’re em­bar­rass­ing me. Why do you do that?

–F Train

Over­heard by: AeC

Guy: Yo, I’m veg­e­tar­i­an now, I don’t eat no meat, but man I love that chick­en. That chick­en just keeps comin’ back to me!

–Man­na’s

Over­heard by: eating­in­harlem

Crazy-look­ing woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was to­tal­ly a veg­e­tar­i­an yes­ter­day. Like lit­er­al­ly, I ate no meat.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Meat Eater

Clue­less 20-some­thing fe­male: Do you have an­oth­er menu? I’m a ve­g­an.

–Broth­er Jim­my’s BBQ, 31st St

You Can’t Wear That Kind Of Silk As­cot and Not Be at Least Bi

Hobo to girl who just gave him a two-dol­lar bill: Would you look at that, two dol­lars! Thomas Jef­fer­son is on this bill. He was a queen. That’s right, he was a gay old fag­got.
(girl walks away very quick­ly) Do you want to help me and Thomas Jef­fer­son go to Hawaii? That’s right! Hawai-ii­i­i­i­ii!

–13th & 6th